I Just Wanted to be Edgy Too

Chapter Forty-One

Van

The phone rang three times before she picked up. It took me four days to muster up the confidence to dial her number. I promised Larry I'd do it, promised him by the end of the week, by the end of recording the vocals for the new album, that I'd do it. We'd finished our end of the album today, now the only thing left to do was mix it.

And the only thing left for me to do was to call her.

Her voice was soft, laced in nerves, wavering on her syllables.

"He-hello, Van."

I swallowed the lump in my throat that bobbed against the way her voice echoed off my ribs. The distinct way she said my name sent me over the edge. I closed my eyes tightly.

"Ellie." I whispered lowly.

I was alone in my room at the flat, sitting in the bay window that overlooked the field west of the house. We were just far enough from town to feel like we were alone, but I could still see the streetlights from the main drag. The silence that filled the air felt familiar, and I knew it was because of her.

"How are you?" I managed to get the words out between shallow breaths as I cracked the window open. I reached for my fags and flicked the lighter, the buzz of the nicotine steadying my thoughts.

She hesitated for a moment. "I'm alright." I didn't believe her.

"Why haven't we talked?" I asked nervously, cutting right to the chase.

"I don't know. I didn't know if you wanted to."

I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose. My fag smoked itself as the smoke twirled out the window. "What gave you that idea?"

She hesitated, the sound of her breathing quickening. I hated that she was so far away. I hated that I couldn't walk down the hall and find her. She always gave herself away in person, but on the phone, she was harder to read, harder to dissect.

"You were so kind to me when everything happened. You were...there for all of it. Even the really ugly parts. I didn't know if you'd still want to be there for me after you left. I didn't know if you'd still want me around once you knew I was okay. You have a big life, Van. I didn't know if there was room for someone as small as me in it, and I didn't want you to feel like you had to keep me around. Like I was a liability."

It was the most honest she'd been with me to date, and I wanted to convince her otherwise. I wanted to tell her she was crazy for thinking these things, but I knew no matter how much I tried to convince her of anything; she'd never believe it.

Ellie was broken. And quite possibly far more broken than I could repair. The thought came unbidden in my mind and I swallowed my nerves.

"El...I always want you around. My life isn't too big for you. If anything, it's too big without you in it."

"Then why haven't I heard from you until now?" Her voice cracked.

"Love...I could say the same thing." I was out of breath.

She started crying. I could hear the pitch change in her breathing, hear the muffled why she tried to disguise it.

"We've never been good at this. Never been good at saying how we feel about us. I've called you out on your flaws. You've called me out for being an asshole. I directed songs at you. I ignored you when you hurt me by going right back to Barns. We've never been clean with each other, El. And...and you've always belonged to him. Since I've known you, you were his. I didn't think I'd measure up."

"I don't love him."

"But you did. And you did the whole time I was falling for you." The words fell from my mouth easily.