I Just Wanted to be Edgy Too

Chapter Seventy-Eight

Barns

I'd started routinely smoking cigarettes again. I hadn't smoked much since my late teens; a drag or two here or there, but the absence of what I didn't have was everywhere, and I needed something to take the edge off.

I'd caved. Given in to management and told them where I'd been living. Told them I'd been bumming around friend's houses and avoiding being found. They scheduled a meeting with the label, and threatened to drop me unless I confessed to the charges at the hotel. Money sometimes talked loudly, and in times like these, it screamed. Money was getting me out of time in jail time and out of a bigger mess, but it was also money that was going to be taken from my own pocket. The label had cut my salary to reflect the damages I'd made to the hotel, but the state didn't seem too keen on pressing charges; that was up to Ellie or Van.

And if Ellie and Van didn't know about the situation or where I was for that matter...

I was basically a free man.

I use the term "free" loosely.

Management didn't want me making a scene; at least not yet. They were keeping me on a tighter leash than normal, pushing me to record new songs and spend hours in the studio. I had nothing, at least nothing they liked. It was all bits and pieces of broken love. I couldn't find a song inside of me that wasn't tethered together with the hate I felt for Van, and I couldn't get Ellie out of my brain.

I never realized how badly I wanted her, until she wasn't mine to want. Never realized how hard it was to get to someone, who wants to get away from you. My fingers twitched at the thought of them touching her. My chest heaved with every breath when I realized she wasn't sleeping next to me anymore.

For weeks, I'd waited for more information from Slim. He'd casually loomed around the alleys of Manchester, keeping tabs on Van but never officially seeing Ellie. He'd heard she was north, likely with Van's parents and that's where he wanted to check next, and I'd been waiting for an update.

I knew they had a new album coming out and I knew they were promoting it. I'd been in their shoes, and I knew what it was like to be pulled into interviews and lose track of your personal life. I knew how easy it was to forget about the people in your life while you're pushing yourself forward. In the past, Ellie was forgettable to me. Replaced by thoughts of gold records and dollar signs, screaming fans, and one night promises made by girls in other cities. Girls I never saw much less spoke to ever again. Van was no different than me, no matter how he painted himself. He'd given into temptation, and as the dates lagged on and he'd grow further and further from El, he'd fall into temptation. It was just a matter of time.

I knew about the radio interviews and their scheduled events. Slim kept me informed while I plugged away in the studio and silently planned my next move. It was easy for me to slip questions into the funnel the radio station pulled from. I knew they'd pick out the most personal ones. When you're in a position where all eyes are on you, you're going to get asked a lot of ugly questions. The uglier the more appealing. So I purposely threw in the questions about the tour ending abruptly, and the altercation with myself. I knew it would catch them off guard, and there was only so much they'd be able to bull shit their way through. And then I threw Ellie's name in because I knew Van would become territorial. I wanted him to worry, I wanted to make him sweat. To get under his skin and make him feel uncomfortable. I wanted to shake him up.

But my plan backfired and after the personal questions started digging too deeply, the radio station switched gears. I'd kicked a hole in the wall of the studio apartment I was staying in when I listened to the interview online. But at least I'd made him a little nervous. I could hear the bite in his tone. It was the same bite he had the night everything went to Hell. The night I lost it and nearly killed Ellie. In truth, it was him I wanted to kill. But El was always good at getting in the way.