I Just Wanted to be Edgy Too

Chapter Sixty-Six

Van

I glanced at the clock at 11:11 before my eyes danced back to Ellie, sitting cross legged at the bar near the kitchen, music just loud enough that I couldn't make out what she was saying. Her hair pulled in a loose ponytail, hanging loosely over her shoulder, waves spilling over her frame.

We'd arrived at the flat hours before, and hadn't spoken since the airport. We were welcomed in with applause and cheers, smiles from the lads plastered all over their faces. She was genuinely happy when they hugged her, and I was still empty from the incident at the airport.

As the night wore on, the space between us grew wider, and I spent too much time watching her from the background and trying to figure her out.

She'd been driving me crazy all night. Slinging back shots and chasing them with a beer, laughing easily with Bob's girlfriend, Allie, the two of them acting like old school mates rather than strangers. It wasn't that that bothered me, or the gleam in her eyes when she was reunited with the lads, and how she pulled Bondy into a hug, and thanked him for being at the flat when we arrived.

It wasn't the way she seemed to have a million things to say to everyone, and a million smiles to give to everyone. It wasn't the way that she belted out the lyrics to an old Beatles song with Larry, laughing loudly at their pitch, or lack there of.

It wasn't any of those things, although they didn't help to dull the ache of reality down for me. It was the way she recoiled from me in the car and the unsteadiness in her gait, as I took her through the flat and showed her around. It was the way she backed away from me, and didn't get too close to me when she passed me in hallway to go outside and have a fag. She'd feed me short responses timidly, but there was malice to them, woven in between her clipped answers.

She wouldn't even look at me.

That's what did me in. The girl that I flew across the world for, that flew back across the world for me, hadn't looked at me in hours. I tried to numb the nervousness in my gut, but it weighed my down like iron and not even shots of whiskey could cure it.

That's how you know you're in for it.

When alcohol doesn't calm you down, but instead speeds you up. When it amplifies you instead of liquifying you. It revs you up, gets you all set up for a big let down. That's where I was. Teetering on the line between losing it and laughing it off, and I was leaning toward the former.

Why could she do this to me? Why could she drive me so mental after saving me a few nights before? How could I be so vulnerable with someone, only to build a mountain of a wall around myself moments later? That's what drove me mad.

I slammed another shot glass down on the counter, eyes boring into Ellie as she laughed with Allie.

"Easy there, tiger. If she was paper, you would have cut her from your looks alone."

"If anyone's paper it's me, Bondy. I'm too easily folded by what's around me."

Bondy took a swig of his beer and raised his eyebrows. I pretended not to notice the questioning look on his face.

"What's the matter with you two?"

I shrugged. "Ask her."

"Christ." Bondy finished off his beer and slammed it on the table next to my shot glass. "Why does this always happen with you two? And it's always right after some stupid shit Barns has put you through."

"She's been weird since the airport."

"Well, she flew halfway across the world to be closer to you, and so she wouldn't be alone in her place anymore. I reckon that might make someone slightly abnormal for a bit."

I shook my head and ran my fingers through my hair, parting it down the center. "It's more than that. There were fans at the airport...I don't want to mix that side of me with her."

"Sounds like history's repeating itself with you."

"But I don't want it to. I don't want to lose someone because I can't differentiate between the sides of me. I don't want her around that part of me. I don't want to put her through anything like he put her through."

"So, you're just going to be a straight up asshole, then?"

I blinked at him quickly. "What? No..."

"Because you are. You both are. You're letting the past dictate the way your future plays out. She's going to have to see that side of you, Van. Allie had to with Bob, and they're alright. You can't be with her and not give her all of you."

"I don't want her to see that side. It's so...fake." And it was. Not always. There were times early on where I'd given all of myself to the fans, but those times faded the larger we became. I didn't have enough of myself to give to everyone anymore, so I gave away the pieces of myself that didn't have any attachment to me. The parts that made people laugh or smile. A wink and a nod. A lopsided grin and an arm around around their shoulder. That's what I gave; things that didn't matter to me if I got them back.

The pieces of myself that I used to give out, were tucked inside of me for the people who deserved them. Hidden away and only given out in private. Not many people knew the real me, and the ones that did were almost all in this room.

"It's your job, Van. Let's say this thing between you both is end game. You'll bring her on tour someday, and she'll have to see it all. Every bit of it. She's already seen some of those bits of you on the US tour anyway. She's no stranger to this."

"Exactly. Which is why she shouldn't have to deal with any more of it."

Bondy leaned against the wall and crossed his arms over his chest on a smirk. "You're afraid."

"Of what?"

"You're afraid that you're too much like him. You're afraid that she's going to see another side of you, and compare it to his two sides. You're afraid that she'll run."

I clenched my jaw and ground my teeth together harshly. "Maybe."

"You couldn't be like him if you tried."

"There was a time I wanted to be. I thought maybe it'd make her like me more. I thought maybe if I had more of an edge to myself, she'd lean into me to be cut up, rather than leaning into him."

Bondy sighed. "I just wanted, to be edgy, too. That's what the line means." His words sounded exasperated, almost as if he had figured out a big secret or solved a puzzle.

I didn't say anything. Just handed him a silent nod.

"You couldn't be like him." Bondy said again, brushing past me and nudging my shoulder lightly on the way by. I staggered lightly on my feet, letting the weight of him move me backwards.

He paused after a few steps and turned back to me. "Until you let go of all these expectations you have of yourself and of the two of you, this is going to keep happening. You're never going to be at peace with each other if you can't relax. And you're not going to be able to keep that side of you out of sight forever. You always say she deserves more. What she deserves is the truth, and there's truth in that side of you, even though you think there's not. Give her all sides of you. Stop cutting corners. And stop thinking you're going to ruin her the way he did. You already saved her."

Bondy turned on his foot and walked to the patio door, disappearing outside, his whereabouts only highlighted by the flame of his lighter. My gaze darted back to Ellie, and I sighed.

She laughed again at some joke I couldn't hear where I was standing, her eyes finding me for the first time in hours. I swallowed the lump in my throat and looked away from her, down at my feet.

Bondy was right.

That son of a bitch was always right.

I couldn't face this right now. I was in too harsh of a mood. Instead, I walked down the hallway toward my room and shut the door behind me, closing out the sounds of the party and the world.