I Just Wanted to be Edgy Too

Chapter Twenty-Six

Van

I felt hollow. Like everything inside of me had been carved out, left out, and now I was just existing empty.

I hadn't seen Ellie in two days, and the last time I saw her, I crossed a line with her. Hadn't passed her in the hall or bumped into her in an elevator. There was nothing but emptiness in the all the areas she wasn't, and even though I pretended not to notice, it was written all over me.

I'd crossed a line. She wasn't mine, she didn't belong to me, and no matter how much I cared, how much I tried to save her, she still wasn't mine.

We'd kissed and then some. My hands found her waist, and her fingers found my hair. We'd stopped before things became irreversible, thanks in large part to Bondy banging on the door. I hid her in the bathroom and pretended to be lost in songwriting. I'm sure I looked tightly wound, I was panicked the entire time he was in the room, and tried to make it look like I was caught up in my own head creating.  I don't think Bondy believed me. He's eyes lingered on the messed up bedsheets, the closed bathroom door, and the way my hair was tossed to the side. He smirked as he left the room.

The silence that filled the room consumed me when I realized what was happening. I sank to the bed and rested my head in my hands. I'd been the cheater before, and now I'd been the other person. My stomach rolled at the thought. Ellie emerged from the bathroom a few minutes later, her lips puffy from mine leathering hers, a look of pure shock dancing across her features. A look of regret. That gnawed at me, and made the empty places ache more.

"We can't do this." I whispered as she stood feet away from me, creating a bigger divide between us. Not seconds prior my hands were all over her. Now, I couldn't touch her if I tried. Fingers retracted into fists as I sat aching on the bed, waiting for her to agree with me, to say anything. 

She brought her fingers to her lip and unknowingly started chewing on her nail. "I'm...I'm so sorry, Van. I just-"

I held up my hand. "Please don't apologize. Not for that. Please." I let myself fall victim to her then. My eyes scanned her frame, and my fingers flexed at the memory of what the curve of her jaw bone felt like. I didn't want her apologies. I wanted the opposite. I wanted all of her, but I knew that wasn't an option.

She shook her head and rubbed her temples quickly. "I should get back to my room."

"Let me at least walk you." I grabbed my jacket and my pack of fags, knowing I'd need more than one by the time this was all over. We stepped awkwardly into the hall as I shrugged on my jacket, the only sound cutting through the air was the door latching behind us. I followed her lead this time, watching the sway in her steps and the nervous way she kept pulling at her hair. We climbed into the elevator, still not speaking and rode it up two floors.

I stole a glance at her any second I could. I knew it was wrong; all of it. The way it felt to be near her and the way my hands felt against her. I was treading on thin ice, walking in places I shouldn't be. She let out a long, dissatisfied sigh and looked up at me.

"Van..."

I shook my head. "Please don't say anything that's going to make this more difficult on us."

The doors opened and I followed her to her room, slower than I would have if we hadn't crossed a line. I knew the minute she disappeared behind the door, that all of this was over, and all those future moments of comfortable silence would be replaced with the agonizing awkward tension between us. I didn't want that.

She hesitated and fumbled with the card at the door. I leaned into the wall, shoulder resting against it and kept my eyes on her. She pushed the door gently with the palm of her hand and held it there. Her eyes were full of sorrow, of guilt, of discontent. I knew that look anywhere. It was the same look that looked back at me in the mirror every morning. I hadn't been the same person I was after I'd cheated, and I never looked at myself quite the same again. The last thing she needed was to have this on her conscious now. This would just ruin her more, and if Barns found out. I shuddered at the thought of what he'd do to her.