I Just Wanted to be Edgy Too

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Ellie

Van avoided me for days.

The second half of the tour was well underway, and everyone was starting to wind down. The next few weeks were packed with shows and minimal breaks as they finished things up. I didn't know what to think about the end of it all. I didn't know what to make of going back home and not being on tour. I didn't know where Barns was going next, we hadn't really discussed it. I didn't know if I'd be going with him or if he'd prefer to be alone. I knew one thing though. Ever since the night Barns and I got back from Seattle, things had been off. Mainly with Van.

In a moment of complete desperation, I reached out to him. It was the night he left the bar, right after he hit me in the gut with a few choice words. One of his comments, one thing he said was haunting me more than the others though and I needed to know why he was acting like he was.

You wouldn't choose the good half if you knew it.

I played the comment over several times, analyzed it, lived through it and tried to make sense of it, but to no avail at all. He sounded wounded when he said it, but I guess it could have been the alcohol talking. He was in no shape to continue drinking, but it didn't look like he was going to stop anytime soon.

He didn't respond to my message, and now he wouldn't even look at me. We could be inches apart at soundcheck and it was like I didn't exist. I was a ghost to him.

I tried to keep myself occupied with other thoughts, blogging being the main thing, but it was hard to avoid Van when he was everywhere I was. In every city, every state, and in every bit of space I was in.

It was raining in Texas, so I spent the day in the back of the venue working on the blog. I typed up a story on a band we met early on in the tour, gave them a listen, and decided to feature them for a post. I was lost in thought when the metal door to the back room opened. I didn't look up as I typed quickly, lost in thought and in memory. Someone lingered too close to where I was, and I figured it was Barns. I glanced up to see Van looking down at me, eyes bloodshot, a bottle of water clutched in his hand.

It was the first time he had even looked at me in days, but this wasn't the kind of look I wanted to remember him by. He was pale and his cheeks looked thinner. Underneath his eyes were deep blue bags that looked like bruises. He didn't look good. He was all bones and flesh, a sight for sore eyes. I raised my eyebrows at him and he took a sip of water, not breaking eye contact with me. Even the color left his eyes. They weren't easy to look into, but hard to look away from in the same sense.

"New laptop?" His voice rattled me. It was void of all life, angry. It wasn't the voice I knew.

I glanced at the silver MacBook Air that Barns bought me in Seattle and nodded slowly. Barns broke my original one the night I went to the hospital. I didn't anticipate on getting a new one at all, but during our trip to see his Mom he said he owed it to me. He owed it to me for how things had been, for what he did, and everything else in between.

Van didn't say anything else just took a long swig of his water and tapped his foot on the floor.

"Are you alright?" I didn't mean to say anything, but I couldn't help it. I wanted him to notice me.

He laughed and rolled his neck to the side. "Why do you care?"

That stung, but I tried to pretend it didn't. This wasn't the Van I knew, not the Van I met months ago. This was wrong, all wrong. He was too rigid and too angry.

"You don't look well."

"Par for the course then, I 'spose."

"Why do you think I wouldn't care?"