I Just Wanted to be Edgy Too

Chapter Thirty-Seven

Van

I was still on a high from the song I wrote.

Sometimes, after indulging myself in the creative process, I'd feel dead peaceful. I was having one of those moments now. Considering all that was happening around me, it was odd for me to be in this state, but something about the song I had just written was cathartic. It had more of me in it than I intended to. It forced me to come face to face with the truth on how I was feeling, and with the guilt
I felt over all of this. Shame is usually easier to feel because it's release. I let it wash through me in the form of a song, and she'd end up hearing all about it.

I was nearly back to Ellie's room as I sorted through the words again and rested on a title for the song. It was the first song of the new album to have a title. The album was starting to come together in my head. The patchwork of it had been laid down, now I just needed to follow the pattern and get it right. We needed to get it right, and we would, especially with the song I'd just written. Sometimes, I just knew and this was the kind of song I knew about, the same knowing I had with Hourglass. I stepped through the door of her room and pocketed my thoughts for later.

Bondy was smiling, looking away from me as I stepped into the room. He looked tired as he sank into the shadows of the late afternoon. I wondered how many hours I spent in the confides of the coffee shop. Sometimes it was easy to forget about the world when I was locked into a song. How long had I been down there? How long did I leave Bondy to sit here?

He turned to me and his smile widened a bit, showing off his usual sneer. I hadn't seen that look in a while and part of it made me instantly homesick. He turned back to the bed and I followed his gaze. Ellie's eyes nabbed me first, and I froze, a lump forming in my throat. Her eyes weren't as piercing as usual, and they lacked the light she normally kept behind her pupils, but they were open, wide open, fixated on me.

The corners of her lips curved upwards slightly when she recognized me. I tried to avoid the pained look that crept to her features when she breathed in too deeply, or the bandages running parallel to the bruises on her body. I tried to avoid the urge I had to find Barns myself and kill him, but those thoughts were there, living inside of me. I wanted to take all her pain away.

"El." My voice cracked on the first syllable of her name and I left it at that, too nervous that trying to say it again would lead me to choke on tears that I was holding back. I'd done good since breaking down to Larry the night it happened, and I blamed a million aspects for leading me to that moment. It wasn't just Ellie and the fact that I didn't know if she'd be okay, it was the whole debacle that had been Ellie and me. It was the never ending touring. The pressure of album four. The pain from Barns. It was everything. I let it all out to Larry, but I'd kept it in since.

Now though, now I wasn't sure if I could keep it together. Seeing her awake, seeing how small she was in the grand scheme of everything she went through, and knowing I could have stopped it if I'd spoken up, all of those things were tearing through me and I was on the edge of losing it.

Her smile curved more when she heard my voice, and instinctively I stepped to her, carefully positioning myself on the edge of her bed and reaching for her fingers with my left hand. She wrapped them loosely through mine and frowned at the bandage wrapped around my hand.

"S'alright." I said lowly. She looked at my jaw, reaching her other hand toward me and resting the pads of her fingers over the sutures that clung there. I closed my eyes, not because it hurt, but because the feeling of her fingers on my face made all of this seem too real. I craved her touch more than I should want to. I needed it more than I should have.

"I'm sorry." She whispered as her eyes filled with tears. I let go of her hand and reached for her face, thumbing away one that rolled down her cheek. I never thought I'd be the type of person to do this. Last time she cried in a hospital, I just stared at her. Now I understood her on a level I didn't before. Now I wanted to be the one who could save her, even if I didn't think I could. I wanted to.

She kept her eyes on me as I wiped it away and leaned my face closer to hers. "No apologies, love. Not today. Not like this. Not ever."

"But if I hadn't messaged you, if I hadn't met you-"

"There's a good chance you wouldn't even be here if it hadn't been for me. I intensified his reaction. I didn't step back. I'm guilty of this. I knew you were his and I still couldn't keep away from you. He's not stupid. He caught on, and he woulda caught on either way."

Another tear rolled down her cheek, and I rested my palm against the nape of her neck, catching anything that'd fall. Bondy cleared his throat behind us.

"I'm gonna step out for a bit, I'll be back in a little while though. I won't leave without saying goodbye." He smiled to Ellie as he spoke and I wondered what type of conversation they had before I arrived. I wondered what Bondy might know of her that I didn't. He patted my back reassuringly on his way by.

Silence breathed into the room and fell between us. I kept my hand on Ellie's neck, my thumb tracing lines down her jawbone soothingly. She kept her eyes on me, not taking them away, locking me into her gaze.

"Bondy said you were staying."

I nodded once. "At least until you're well."

"I don't deserve you."

I moved closer to her, wanting to engulf her in a hug, to pull her to me and keep her there, but I knew she was in too much pain for that. I settled for pressing my lips against her forehead as she shook with tears beneath me.

"You need to calm down, love. You're going to need to try to breathe easier. You've been through a lot, and every breath you take like that is going to hurt." She nodded and her breathing slowed. Her eyes locked back on mine and she looked like she did in the hotel. Fear gripped every corner of her soul. She was scared.

"I'll stay right here. I'm not going to leave you like this."

She was silent for a few moments while her breathing regained its normal rhythm. I felt my shoulders slouch as the tenseness I was feeling rolled off of me. Her eyelids began to flutter and I rose to my feet, pulling her blanket up over her and walking toward the chair Bondy was sitting in. "You need rest, love." I sat on the edge of the chair and rested my hand on the armrest.

"Do you think he'll come back here?"

I looked up at her, the terror still heavy on her face.

"If he does, I'll be here."

"What happens when you go home?"

A shudder rippled through me. "By then someone will know where he is."

It sounded like there was more to her question, but I couldn't think about that right now. I couldn't comprehend leaving her like this, possibly even at all.

She blinked several times before keeping her eyelids closed, a look of peace settling over her features.

"Are you in much pain, love?" My voice was barely above a whisper. She shook her head no in response. Even that looked like a lie.

I relaxed into the chair, keeping my eyes fixed on her, too afraid that if I blinked, if I fell asleep, I'd wake up and she'd be gone. Her fingers moved nervously against the edge of her sheet and I reached forward, interlocking them with mine.

"I'm not going anywhere. I'll be here when you wake up." I whispered again.

She gripped onto me tighter. "And after that?"

I sighed. "I'll take you anywhere with me."

Because I would. I didn't care what Steve would say, what the lids would say, I didn't care about any of it.

She'd go anywhere with me.

*I updated this from my office at work so I'm sorry if it's a bit blah, but I wanted to get you guys something. It's not as long as I'd hoped and is a bit of a filler chapter. But I'm hoping to have another chapter up tonight! Expect more uploads this week, I've got loads of free time and I'm quite happy to share what's coming with you all!*