I Just Wanted to be Edgy Too

Chapter Sixty-Seven

Ellie

He disappeared into the emptiness of the house minutes ago.

Van. The man who despite what he thought, wore his heart firmly on his sleeve and cared greatly if someone noticed it. He just walked away silently into the corners of the room. Without so much as a good night or a nod. He just left. A regular Houdini, evaporating into thin air and not finding his way back. I waited for several minutes before looking back to the place he'd stood moments before to find it still empty. The ghost of him was all around me though, striking me down with icy eyes, burning holes into me.

He'd been silent since the airport. He was rigid the whole ride to the flat, stiff and sharp, keeping conversation minimal and ignoring me altogether.

Larry had been the one who drug me through the airport as if I belonged to him. He'd been the one to get me my first drink and to check on me throughout the night, ask me for a fag, or see if I needed a refill. Van attached himself to the shadows in the corners, growing more malcontent by the second. Eventually, I'd stopped looking at him, because the only thing I felt when I caught his gaze, was disappointment.

I excused myself from Allie and Bob and dipped out the side door of the flat and onto the patio. The surrounding homes cradled the yard, creating a man made fence for us, their exposed brick sides cracking their way to the grass below. We were the only flat that had access to the little courtyard, and it was the first thing that reminded me of home. Something green and alive. I sank into the wrought iron chair and blew smoke toward the sky, the sound of the city beyond the walls buzzing with car horns and voices.

Van had gone into full incognito mode when we landed. I wasn't surprised. I knew they were bigger here, in the country they hailed from, I just didn't know to what capacity people would recognize him. And I severely underestimated that. Fans crowded him every few feet, some snapping pictures with no warning, burrowing their faces against his shoulder as they waited for him to look at their phones. He never broke character. Never looked angry or displeased, and he didn't turn anyone down either. But he looked worn, aged five years from the normal looks he wore around me.

I knew what it was like to have to be somebody for thousands of people. Barns informed me often that turning on the charm was a difficult task, which is why he often attributed his drug use to the lifestyle. He said it was too much of a mind game to go into it sober. He needed something to take the edge off. All of his words were bull shit, I knew that now. But Van was different than Barns. Van had accomplished the task of transforming into his alter ego immediately, and he never faltered. But he also didn't pay any mind to me. He'd let Larry lead me away from the fans while he finished his obligations to the girl's following him through the airport.

I didn't know what I expected out of him that left whatever silence he was giving me filled with dread, but it was more than this.

Maybe he wanted to keep me out of sight of the press. I understood it. I'd seen the social media pages and the fan accounts dedicated to him online. I knew what people thought of him, what they said of him and the speculations of his relationship status. Things were still new with us, and we had something ominous following us around. Barns. We didn't need him to come find us. We didn't need to give him a reason to find us.

Maybe he didn't want to expose me to whatever life he led with the public. Maybe he didn't want to have to thrust me into that dog and pony show. It made sense. There was nothing glamorous about those moments. They weren't anything to yearn for. I didn't envy that part of his life, or anyone's for that matter.

I sucked on another hit of nicotine and sighed. I might have been able to understand whatever flipped the switch for him, but I didn't understand why he'd treat me so cold. Sure. I could have given in. I could have called him out on his move, told him how I felt. It would have been very adult of me to take that road. Instead, I fell in line with everything around me. I didn't want my first night in England to be tied to a sour memory. I had too many memories of places I'd been, that were outlined in some bent out of shape emotion. I didn't need another to add to the list.