I Just Wanted to be Edgy Too

Chapter Ninety

Barns

"I'm here with Van, Johnny Bond, Benji and Bob of Catfish and the Bottlemen , and guys, I gotta tell you, I'm really excited for this today."

The radio DJ's tone gave away what I already assumed; they were releasing a single. A single followed by an album, an album followed by a tour, and that would mean a lot of tied up time for Van McCann. I smiled as I sat outside my hotel room in London and took long drags of my joint.

I couldn't stay in Llandulas. When Slim skipped town, I realized how utterly alone I was. I disappeared into the heart of London until I could figure out my next move, and I couldn't make my next move until Van was gone. I knew they had a radio interview scheduled, I'd been keeping tabs on the band like crazy. I'd been paying too much attention to their social media and their

"We're excited to be here."

His voice was like poison, and I shuddered. I should have ruined him when I had the chance.

"So...album number four, rumor has it we can expect it soon, and you're here to give us a little sneak peak today?"

"That's right. We've got a track we're gonna share with all of you."

"Fantastic news. I can almost hear the sound of a thousand fangirls screaming. I want to chat about this track about it before we get into it."

I chewed on my thumbnail as I waited.

"So the name of it is "Lockjaw" and it's the first single off of The Edge. What can you tell us about it before we play?"

Bondy spoke up first. "It's heavy. It's got a weight to it that doesn't pick up until the chorus, but then it drags that weight around for the rest of the song. The whole album's kind of like that I suppose. Lots of build up to get you to a plateau of sound. The crescendo if you will."

"Lyrically, what's the inspiration behind it?"

"It was the first song I finished after being in a bit of a rut for a while. I started writing it last fall when we were stateside, still. It didn't make a lot of sense to me at first, but in hindsight..."

Van paused and I sat up a little straighter in my seat.

"In hindsight, I was working through feelings and I didn't know how else to cope other than to write. It starts off as almost an homage to a person, and ends up in a sort of longing for them, even though they long for things that aren't necessarily good for them."

"Is this song personal? Is this how you personally felt?"

"Yes."

"You're usually not this open about your feelings."

"Right, but I'm getting older. And I've got nothing to hide. There's going to be a lot of secrets revealed when this album comes out out anyway."

"So there's more to this song than what the lyrics say?"

"I s'pose you could say that."

"Well let's give it a go and then and chat more after. From their fourth, upcoming album, we are proud to be the first ones to debut this new song. Fresh for the airwaves, here is Lockjaw, from Catfish And The Bottlemen!"

The song started slow, kind of reminded me of Longshot. I took a sip of my brandy and tried not to notice my book tapping to the best. It pissed me off how good of a band they were. I never had a solid band. I'd always been Barns Courtney, the cowboy. Outlaw. No one stuck around for long. I craved a band like theirs, but stuff like that is born and boyhood. It doesn't show up if you pass the age of twenty-five. You've gotta latch onto that kind of synchronized camaraderie when you're young. They did. And they were the kind of band that wouldn't replace members, at least not now, after they'd made it. So I hated that I liked their music. Hated that they worked so well together, and that they sounded so good together.

McCann's vocals tore through my balcony as I adjusted my sunglasses.

"You came out of the back room
Smoking my last cigarette
Can't imagine you any other way.
Came into the front room,
Dared me to take a step,
I can't imagine knowing what to say.

But I do,
"I know you".
And I want to
Take control of all the things you get into.

And when you lock down,
That jaw into that dress
I'd beg your pardon, but you'd just get upset.
So I bow out, go out, take it out on the town,
And I come home to the bathtub pouring out.
You sayin save me, save me.
Save me

So I do,
"I know you"
And I want to
Take control of all the things you get into.
But you won't let me
"You don't get me"
All bets aside you won't forget me,
But I do. I try to.

You say save me save me save me,
I don't know what to do.
You say baby, baby, baby,
"I just wanted, to be edgy, too."

I do.
"I know you"
And I want to, get you out of all the shit he does to you.
You say "save me"
I say baby, all this love is too damn crazy,
And I do,
I do I do I do.

The song ended and went straight into a short commercial break. I was seething. My fists were bound into white knuckles that could have tossed holes into walls easily. My nails dug harshly into my palms, and I squinted against the sharpness I felt there.

The line...that line "Get you out of all the shit he does to you." That line rattled me. So this whole thing with Van and Ellie, it was premeditated. He wrote this song last fall, which meant he was paying attention to her then. Too much attention. What else happened that I didn't know about? Maybe she'd been sleeping with him all along. My mind wandered to moments from that tour that were clouded in questions. The day he found her at the bar when she disappeared. The way she leaned into him when she saw me. How did I not notice it? I smacked my fist in the table.

Hate. That's what this feeling was. Hate. They'd made a fool out of me, and I didn't know for how long. They ruined any shot I had at being a successful musician. They ruined everything. She...Ellie, Ellie ruined it.

Maybe she didn't love me.

But this, this wasn't excusable.

All the glances they shared. The moments they disappeared together. How could I have been so stupid? What was I thinking? I yelled as I tossed my head back and rattled the table.

I stood up quickly as ran my fingers through my hair. I didn't know what to do. All I knew was the band was in Manchester now, and according to what I'd heard, they'd be in London in a few days. Maybe getting to where Ellie was, wasn't where I needed to be. Maybe I had to start with him.

I weighed my options before running to the phone in my room and calling the front desk. It rang twice while my head spun with hate, rage, and new ideas. This wasn't about love anymore. This was about revenge.

"I need to extend my stay for another week."