I Just Wanted to be Edgy Too

Chapter Four

Van

I didn't mean to stare, and I didn't mean to come off as arrogant, but sometimes it came a little too naturally for me. I leaned against the frame of my door and folded my arms over my torso. I had a million questions as to why she was standing in front of my door, but they all seemed too strange to ask. I barely knew her, apart from a brief encounter that ended up awkward.

She bit her lip and looked down the hall toward her room. I followed her gaze, hoping I wasn't going to rest my eyes on Barns. The hallway was empty, no sign of life.

"You alright?" It sounded more like a statement than a question.

She turned back to me and nodded, before letting out a long puff of air. "I just wanted to apologize for him. Sometimes he can be...a lot."

I smirked. She had no idea just how much he could be. Not in the slightest.

"It's truly not your place to apologize for someone else, love."

She blinked a few times.

"I'm not trying to sound cruel." I spoke the words flatly and raked my fingers through my hair. "It's just...it's okay. I swear it." I waved my hands in front of me in surrender. Sometimes less was more with conversation. Sometimes words got you in more trouble than you bargained for. I also didn't trust myself enough to keep Barns' secrets to myself.

She half smiled and nodded but said nothing. I cleared my throat when she failed to respond with words.

"Besides, I should be the one apologizing to you for yesterday. It was...rude of me to assume you were a journalist. I shouldn't have spoken to you like that."

"I get it." She shrugged her shoulders and pushed her hair behind her ear, relaxing a little. "I wouldn't want to talk to as many journalists as you do either. I'm sure it's exhausting answering the same questions over and over."

I laughed lightly. "You have no idea."

There was a moment of silence in the space between us that seemed calm, peaceful even. I looked behind me into my room and decided to pull the door shut. I stepped further into the hallway and Ellie backed up.

"I'll get out of your way, I just wanted to apologize."

"It's all water under the bridge, love." I smiled. "Just hopping down to the hotel bar for a pint."

She nodded like she understood me, but something in her eyes gave away her questions. "Beer." I said on another smile.

"Do you call every girl, love?"

I hesitated before answering, tossing around the thought. "Mostly yes. It's like when you Americans say "dude"...or "babe" I guess."

"It's funny, sometimes your accent is easier to understand than others."

"The longer I'm here, and the longer I'm away from home, the less intense it gets."

"You're being Americanized. What a tragedy."

"Proper Americanized." I laughed loudly and realized instantly that it was the first deep, guttural laugh I'd had in ages. The jokes with the lads after shows didn't count, those were reactions anymore. But this was the first time I enjoyed a laugh, and it wasn't even that funny.

Ellie covered her mouth and giggled softly. Barns yelled out from just down the hall and I watched Ellie react. Her hand dropped to her side and she began fumbling with the fabric of her top. "Well...thanks for being cool. I-I appreciate it." She stuttered one her words and began walking off before my I could respond.

I reached for her and grabbed the back of her arm softly. I didn't realize I had done it until my hand was brushing over her arm. She jumped lightly and narrowed her eyes at me.

"Anytime. It was a pleasure having a real conversation with ya." I flashed her a smile as I let go of her arm. She returned the favor and disappeared behind her door moments later.

***

"So what drove you to a drink?" Benji was on his second beer, and he hadn't spoken a word to me until now. His eyes were fixated on whatever sport was being featured on the bar's television. Benji didn't care what was on, he simply just liked to get lost in shows. It was easier than forcing him to have a conversation with someone. That trait came when he finally got to know you, and there were times I wondered if he felt like he really knew me. Times he'd clam up and go days without speaking to me. But that was just the way Benji Blakeway worked.

Tonight though, tonight he wanted to talk.

"Too much quiet up there and in here." I pointed to my temple and reached for my glass.

Benji sat his glass down and ran his finger around the rim. "Not gettin' any words out then?"

I pursed my lips together after my drink and felt my jaw lock down. "Nope." The concept of me not being able to write anything worthwhile was maddening. It'd never happened to me before, always came naturally and easily. I'd made fun of artists who couldn't write or claimed they suffered writer's block. That was just an excuse to me, something people said when they didn't want to try harder to pull their feelings to the surface. But right now, I felt just like all of the artists I'd ever made fun of.

"Nothin' at all?"

I held my head in my hands and glanced down at the bar's counter top. "Bits here and there, but nothin' to go off on, nothin' that sounds like somethin'."

"Guess there's a first time for everything." He took another swig of his beer. "You do realize that we're due in the studio after this tour ends next year. They want four-"

"And I'll get it to them." I cut them off.

"I'm just sayin' Van, if it's not comin' out on it's own, maybe it's not meant to come out."

"What are you getting on at?" I nodded in his direction, leaning back on my bar stool and crossing my arms.

"Nothin' that's worth somethin'." He did his best to match my tone from minutes before and cracked a wry smile to lighten the mood.

"I've got somethin' I'd like to write about, but it's different, not like anything I've done before. It's there, but I don't know how to get it out yet. It's like an itch I can't scratch at."

"Good, work on that. Maybe we can write an album that's not entirely about a girl."

I shoved his shoulder. "Oh come on lad, three was about more than a girl!"

"And if you believe that you're full of it." Bondy closed the space between Benji and I and draped his arms around our shoulders.

"Where's Bob?" Benji looked over Bondy's shoulder and frowned.

"Out taking pictures of the night life." Bondy rolled his eyes and smirked. "He is damn good at it though. Why are we talking business when we could be talking beers?" Bondy grabbed what was left of mine and downed it, and signaled to the bartender for another round.

I lost track of time after that.

***

I practically fell out of the elevator and into the foyer. I could hear Bondy's echoing laugh from the other side and it made me laugh silently as I followed the wall to my door. I fumbled with the key until the light turned green and pushed on the door hard with body, stumbling in and landing on the bed. It was nearing three am and the light on the alarm clock was blurry as I tried to make out the date below it.

The haze of a blackout tapped on my brain, but this wasn't the kind of sleep I wanted. This was sleep in the form of liquid release. Nothing about it was genuine, and I knew I'd be paying for it later. On the edge of surrender, I reached for my notebook and the pen from the hotel desk, I scribbled words into the book before re-reading my sloppy lines.

You came into the front room, dared me to take a step. I can't imagine knowing what to say.

I read the line over as a beat filled my head. It was the last thing I heard before I gave in to sleep.