I Just Wanted to be Edgy Too

Chapter Twelve

Ellie

I traded rooms with Slim.

Maybe I was making a bigger deal out of things than I should have, or maybe I wasn't. I should have just left the tour. I should have packed my things, hopped a plane, and went back to the East Coast to start over. But I didn't. I came back to the hotel, grabbed my things, and moved them into Slim's room instead. He was more than accommodating and said he'd crash in Barns' room until I figured out my next move. He knew as well as I did that I'd stay. I always stayed.

I hadn't seen Barns since it happened. He sent me a long message, all apologies and sincerities, and told me he wouldn't bother me until I was ready to see him. I didn't know when I'd be ready. The nagging ache in my stomach felt like it was growing each day. No amount of books, or Netflix series, or music could cure it. I felt hollow, which oddly, made me laugh. Barns wrote Hollow for me, it was his apology song for the times he'd ruined me in the past. As if writing a song for me and making it a single, would cure every single terrible thing he'd done. Or every single terrible thing we'd been through. Shame on me for letting it work.

The lyrics danced around my mind and the sour feeling in me stomach rolled over again.

Usually, it wouldn't mean shit
But you're alright
With eyes like lasers through the mist
Burning souls alive
With one shut eye untouched
By the brighter light
You could be denser than some
With 20/20 sight

I shuddered.

I didn't know what to do with the feelings I was sorting through, so I laid on my good side to avoid the cracked ribs I was nursing, and stared out the window. I wish I could tell you how I got here. I wish I could explain how I lost myself. I'm not even entirely sure anymore. Younger me swore she'd never put herself in this situation. My parents hated each other, and my Dad liked to show his hate to my my mom in the form of a slap across the face. I swore I'd never love someone like that, and I'd never let myself be in her shoes. Even after my dad died and my stepdad, James came into the picture and proved to me there were good men out there, you'd think that after that, I'd be cured of ending up with someone terrible. There was no cure for me apparently.

I knew I could leave. I knew that. I knew better than any of this. But I also loved Barns deeply. Maybe some of it had been loved based upon circumstance. We were bound together in ways that kept us lingering. We'd suffered through immense pain together, and that pain was like a binding glue that held us intact. Maybe it shouldn't have. Maybe the pain we went through should have torn us apart. It's a shame it didn't, especially times like now.

I clutched a pillow to my chest and buried my face in it. Slim and Agam knew minor details. They knew we had our problems, and they knew not to press Barns on them. They also knew they were replaceable. Barns went through band members quickly and sometimes harshly. Until a few nights ago, they'd never seen it this bad, and they didn't even know the half of what happened.

A thought pressed into my mind like a headache. Someone else knew something. And maybe it wasn't enough to go on, but knowing something was more than knowing nothing. Van. The image of him in the hospital was haunting to me, especially now, when the silence of the room and all the truths I kept hidden were pressing down on me.

I don't know why he came. I don't know what compelled him to think he could waltz into a hospital room and save me. I didn't need saving. He was too smart for his own good. Van McCann paid too much attention to the details, and because of that trait he could pick up on the smallest of things. You'd think someone like that would know better when it came to his own life.