I Just Wanted to be Edgy Too

Chapter Nine

Van

The smoke filtered into the morning air and disappeared. I swallowed the lump in my throat that Barns' put their the night before. His mania led him to indulge in more of Ellie's "problems" and "addictions" and I didn't trust a single word he said. It sounded more like he was talking about himself, but I wasn't going to let him know I thought that. I wasn't stupid.

I needed to see for myself what was true. So that's how I found myself outside of the hospital Ellie was in, while Barns Courtney and the rest of his band soundchecked for an hour. I had one hour, and I was wasting minutes of  it puffing through fags to ease my nerves.

If she was an addict, then this was going to be tricky. I knew how it felt to be interrogated about the things that get you through, and I didn't want to upset her. But I didn't think she was an addict, at least not to the things Barns eluded to.

I tossed my fag on the ground and pressed the heel of my boot into it before sliding through the hospital doors. I never minded hospitals much. They didn't make me nervous, but I'd never really come into one for a bad reason. Hospitals for me, were places to welcome new baby cousins. I wasn't around when people died or were sick. Maybe that was the one good thing about always being away, you miss out on the heavy parts of life that most people have to deal with. It's hard to show up at someone's side for their final breath, when you're seven countries away.

For the first time in my life, I was nervous in a hospital. I paused at reception and cleared my throat. The woman behind the desk smiled up at me and asked who I was here to see.

"Uh Ellie." I paused, realizing I had no idea what her last name was. "I'm the uhm...manager for her boyfriend's band. They're at a soundcheck for tonight's show and they've sent me to see how she is."

The woman smiled at me. "I just need to clarify with her that she wants to see you." She picked up the phone and spoke into the receiver quickly to the nurse on the other end. "She'll give me a call back in a few minutes, make yourself comfortable Mr...."

"McCann." I said quickly, wishing I would have given a false name.

I disappeared into the small lobby off the desk and spotted a coffee maker. I wasn't one for coffee, but I meandered over to it hoping to find hot water and if I was lucky, a few bags of tea. There wasn't much to choose from, but they had an English breakfast tea and some lukewarm water. No cream, no honey, but I guess bland tea was better than no tea.

I clasped the lid on my cup and took a sip just as the receptionist called me back over.

"She's in room 211, take the elevator up two floors and bear right. I'll just need you to sign in here before you go."

I scribbled my name on the paper, thanked the receptionist and sauntered away, that nervous feeling coming back and lingering in my fingertips that were now tucked tightly round my cup. The elevator was empty and too clean, it did nothing to settle my nerves.

The doors opened quickly, much faster than the ones at the hotel. I stepped out, almost turned left, but made my way right. It wasn't until I was officially outside her room that I wondered what I was going to say. I tapped my foot nervously on the floor before letting out the longest sigh I could hold, and ducked into the room.

She wasn't looking at me when I walked in. She was focused on whatever book she was reading. Her face was twisted into confusion as she scanned the page, and I wondered what story could have her this captivated, and what story was more interesting than the tragedy she was living in.

Her room was bare save for a few empty chairs and beeping machines. No flowers, no visitors, no life. I cleared my throat out of a mix of instinct and habit, and Ellie glanced up quickly.