I Just Wanted to be Edgy Too

Chapter Seventy-Two

Barns

You know that feeling you have, when you're so angry that your blood rushes and pools at your feet, anchoring you to the ground? That's how I felt right now. Anchored. Stuck. Drowning.

Like everything had hardened me and left me standing here, like a statue in a cemetery. I'd turned to complete stone over this, the only thing making me feel alive, was the sound of my breathing. It hitched in my throat and came out in a series of short pants.

She'd left. She'd left her apartment, and gone to the UK. With him.

Van.

Van, fucking McCann.

I swallowed the hate that I had for him as I moved swiftly through her apartment, through the place we'd shared on numerous occasions. Some of the art on the wall, was art I'd picked up. Some of the things she kept round, were mine. Van didn't realize just how much of myself had been planted into the root structure of her life. He didn't realize how much of me was still hanging around, and not just on the walls of her apartment.

But he would.

I had plans. And those plans didn't involve sitting back and watching Ellie fall in love with someone else. Someone that wasn't me.

I felt like a fugitive, and for the most part, I was.

I'd been avoiding being caught for months; the threat of what I did to Ellie still hanging over my head. In time, I'd have to face up to the charges. I'd have to pay back the hotel, go to court, and I'd have to face what I did to Ellie, head on.

My mouth twisted into a pucker as I looked at the emptiness of her apartment. I didn't expect him to come here so quickly, to dive that deeply toward her and swim off with her wrapped around him. I didn't expect her to love someone else so easily.

I should have done something the night I let myself in. Something more than take her phone and call him. Maybe I could have convinced her to come with me. Bought her out. Dug up our past to live in our present. I mean...it's worked before, but I didn't have someone else hanging around before. I didn't have someone in the runnings to be with her. It was just me.

It'd always just been me.

I filled up a glass of water and tossed her phone on the counter. It was dead anyway, and by now, she likely had a new number. This was twelve-year old revenge shit. I needed to do more.

My own phone buzzed in my pocket.

Slim.

He'd been the one keeping me in the loop. At first, he wouldn't take my calls, wouldn't do shit to help me, but I reminded him of what he owed me. Slim screwed up several times in the years I'd known him. Fights. Drugs. Theft. He was no better than me to some degree. I covered for him many times, leaving the bill with management and keeping Slim off the hook. But he couldn't stay off the hook forever. All it took was me reminding him just how much he had to lose if I let his secrets out. All it took was a little convincing, and he was on my side.

Slim complied. He didn't have a choice, and he was a pushover anyway. Always had been. I liked keeping people like that around me. I didn't need anyone who would stand up to me. I needed people who stood behind me. People who just did what I asked, people who didn't give me any grief.

Van Fucking McCann liked to stand up to me.

The thought enraged me.

Slim cleared his throat when I didn't say anything after answering.

"They went North. Probably to his parents."

I pinched the bridge of my nose. "You think she's staying there when he leaves for tour?"

"Maybe. I doubt she'd come back to America on her own."

"How were they in Chester?"

Silence.

"Slim, how were they?"

"Same as they were in Scotland. Maybe even a little more...comfortable."

The thought sent daggers through my chest. I waited to bleed out, to suffocate on her floor and just let it all come out of me, but nothing happened. I suppose that's what heartbreak is. A wound more severe than anything you've experienced, and rather than dying from it, you're supposed to live through it.

"Maybe it's time to call a spade a spade, man? Move on. Turn yourself in. Get back to making music."

I bit into my bottom lip fiercely.  "No. I'm not giving up. This is just a fucking phase. This is typical Ellie behavior."

Slim sniffed on the other end, the sound of a lighter echoing through the speaker. I imagined him hitting a menthol cigarette the way he did on tour, lazily stretching himself over a chair, trying so hard to look cool.

"If McCann was just...out of the picture, she'd realize how much she misses me. Us."

"When he tours then, maybe you ought to make your move."

"I can't if she's in England. I can't get there."

Slim exhaled. "Are you asking me to...to do something for you?"

I combed my fingers through my hair. "I don't know what I'm asking. I need to think about this. I need a plan.  Figure out where they're at up North...and what they're doing. I'm not fucking around this time."

"I'll do my best."

"Don't get caught."

Slim laughed, as though he was annoyed at my suggestion.

"I'm serious." I ended the call and pressed my fingers into the countertop. What was I asking of him? Was I asking him to reach out to Ellie when Van was away and she had no choice but to listen? To her, Slim was neutral ground. A friend. Maybe this had to be done with tact. Maybe I could get more bees with honey. It was an option at least.

The other option, was the aggressive option. And if Slim was going to be aggressive with someone, it needed to be the person in the way. It needed to be toward Van.

I flexed my fingers and tapped then harshly against the cool granite. I hated him. I'd had plenty of time to come to terms with that, and replaying the months we toured together over in my mind, only heightened that. He was near her the whole time. The whole time. Even when she was still with me. Maybe even before I realized.

I punched my hands into the cups and bowls perched upon Ellie's counter, sending them all crashing to the floor. My hands cradled the sides of my head as I yanked at my hair and bit deeper into my lip.

I hated him.

And the only way to get to her, was to get him out of the way.

I had to get Van out of the way.