I Just Wanted to be Edgy Too

Chapter Fourteen

Van

The further west we got, the more obsessed I became to writing. We had a few more hours until we made it to wherever we were supposed to be. I couldn't remember the names of places we were going or where we had been. To be honest, I didn't need to. Wherever I was, seemed to be just fine. I lounged in the front seat with Pete, our usual driver, notebook on my lap, feet on the dash.

Pete and I shared a common love for classic rock. He'd shock me and pull out bands like The Guess Who and tell me the inspiration stories behind some of their songs. We'd laugh and trade facts on music, and sing along to whatever song came on. But Pete also identified with silence, and sometimes we could drive for hours, not passing a word between us.

Today was one of those days, although the notebook on my lap might've had something to do with his silence. I noticed early on in the drive, that every few minutes, I'd peek into the passenger side mirror at the bus behind us, the bus hauling Barns, his band, and Ellie. Our conversation replayed through my mind several times already today, and I always froze up on the parts at the end.

She wanted to know more, she deserved to know more, but knowing more would only shatter her further. If I told her the truth about Barns; the drugs, the girls, the fights and threat of jail, she'd undo herself. It was there, minuscule behind her eyes, but evident. She could shatter, she would shatter, and I didn't know if she'd come out of it.

I wondered what lies Barns filled her head with about me, and if she'd take anything I'd say seriously at all. I wondered if she'd just run back to him and tell him everything I told her. I tapped the pen against the notebook as I bit through more words. New words for a whole new song.

But I do,
"I know you".
And I want to
Take control of all the things you get into.

I wondered what Bondy would do with this song when it was complete. I wondered what solo he'd come up with for the bridge, what tempo he'd play it at. I smirked at the thought before sharing a gaze with the mirror again. It had become a habit for me on the long drive, and I was good at forming habits.

Pete cleared his throat and stretched his hands over the steering wheel. "Whatever you've been looking for back there...you're not gonna find up here with me."

"Aye you caught that? Aren't yous supposed to keep you're eyes on the road?"

"There's that accent. Haven't heard it from you in a while. Starting to sound like you belong here."

"No mate, I couldn't be here, couldn't stay in this place forever. Too fast. Too much of all or nothin here."

Pete shook his head. "Whatever you say."

I went back to my notebook and scribbled a few more words out before letting my eyes shift to the mirror again.

**

We stepped right off the bus and straight into the venue. No pause for a quick meal, although Blakes had been complaining about being hungry for hours.  The venue was smaller and darker than the last one we played at, but that didn't stop a line from forming out front already. The amount of people waiting for us, it still did things to me, especially this far across the pond.

Inside, we shook hands with a few security guards before Steve shuffled us off to our dressing room. "We're a half hour behind schedule so we're gonna have to make soundcheck quick. No fuckin' round." He looked right at me and I rolled my eyes. I turned to look over my shoulder before we descended the stairs to the lower level. Barns and his bandmates were just rolling in, looking like they were ready to redeem themselves for the shit show they played a few days back. I swallowed the lump in my throat when I saw Ellie walk in behind them. Always in the background of everyone else's life. Barns paused for a moment when he caught me staring, and waited as the rest of his bandmates continued on. He waited for her to catch up, a look I've never seen him wear dripping from his features. He looked sad, lost even. He extended his hand to Ellie, and she hesitated for a moment before accepting it. Heat swelled through me and wrapped itself around my thoughts. I turned quickly and followed Steve to the dressing room.

The room was small, but decorated in a 70s vibe, complete with green velvet couches and mandala style tapestries on the walls. Benji was in love, snapping pics of everything, sharing stories to his social media pages, smiling like an idiot despite his hunger. I couldn't smile. Couldn't think of anything other than Ellie willingly putting her hand in his. Willingly. After everything we had discussed this morning. After everything she went through.

Did I expect a revelation? Did I expect her to open up her eyes and realize she didn't deserve any of this? No. I didn't. Maybe if I had told her everything, she'd be more hesitant to accept him back into her life with no second thought. I mulled over my thoughts until one big thought hit me like a brick, nearly knocking the wind straight out of me.

Why did I care?

Why?

I chewed into my lip and looked around the room, into the eyes of my bandmates, my brothers, who were all staring at me, waiting for me to make a move. The same way they stared at me since the day we signed a contract to do this forever, even before Bondy was here, even Billy, my original guitarist would look at me like that. I was their compass, and they were all wondering which direction to go.

"Soundcheck then?" I asked casually.

Bob nodded. "And then maybe we'll have time to get Blakes some food."

Blakes wasn't smiling now, not even to Bob's comment. When Blakes needed food, he needed it. He'd play a terrible show if his stomach was empty. I knew how tonight would be if I was in a bad mood and Blakes was hungry.

"Let's get through it quick then so we can do just that."

We walked to the stage, picked up our instruments and plugged them in.

Steve walked in and pointed to his watch.

"We're on it, mate." Bondy spoke first rolling his eyes as he plucked the strings of his guitar, a loud riff crashing through the speakers.

"Oi." I called out to Steve. "I want to play Red."

Bondy's eyes grew wide.

"Not doing this shit with you tonight, lad." Steve shook his head.

"Steve, think about it. Kids have been wanting older songs. Just give me Red somewhere in tonight's list."

Steve hesitated for a moment before walking back to me, hands on his hips. "You'll play it even if I don't make the change so what's it matter?"

I raised my eyebrows at him. "Let's let them decide them." I pointed to the guys behind me. Steve nodded at them.

"Alright, what do you guys think. Should we grant Van's wishes and play Red tonight?" Steve exaggerated the whole situation and flicked his hands around at he spoke.

Benji laughed but shrugged right away. "Always liked Red, specially live. I'm in."

Bob said nothing, just adjusted his earpiece and gave a thumbs up.

Bondy was the one that surprised me. "It's a no from me. Not tonight."

I turned quickly to glance at him. Steve spoke around me as I stared him down.

"Three to one still wins, Johnny Bond, so be prepared to play it. I'll exchange it for Pacifer. I'm not arguing about that." He walked away quickly as Benji started strumming the chorus of Longshot.

I adjusted my own earpiece and tossed my guitar over me, jetting my chin at Bondy. "What's all that about then?"

Bondy shook his head at me. "I know what you're doing. No one else might, but I do."

"I want to play something different, Bondy."

He tapped the pedals on the floor and adjusted his signature hat over his mop of curls.

"You think she'll hear it?"

I pretended not to hear him.