I Just Wanted to be Edgy Too

Chapter Forty

Van

I sang into the mic slowly, the timbre of my voice needing to be just right. This song depended on it. I kept my eyes closed as I sang, something that happened habitually when I was deeply rooted in whatever was happening around me. I didn't care about anything other than the words I was singing and the ability within me to make them hurt. Make someone feel them.

"It's funny how you tried to tell me the short end,
of a long winded story
I could spin off.
These days I'm busy dying, tryin to pretend,
that "you and I" is
something I gave up on.
But you don't get to give up
on something you never won.
And you don't get to just forget me
like that."

The acoustic guitar quickened in my ears, as Bondy's playback crushed through the headphones pressed over my head.

"But you pause on the weekdays
and climb to my fingers,
My knuckles press into the floor.
I fall down beside you
but it's not safe to linger,
What am I staying here for?
It's harder to forget
cause they all love you,
And I've gotta pretend I don't.
You're harder to regret
cause when push comes to shove ya,
I gotta pretend he won't."

I felt their eyes on me, burning holes into my skin. I felt their questions, their concern, their ideas. I ignored it all and continued.

"It's awful how you try to convince me
that you don't deserve me
when I don't deserve myself.
Now and then I wish I could get free
But then I'd leave you for somebody else.
You're not someone else's to sort through.
And all you say is
"There's no room for me in you."

"But you pause on the weekdays
and climb to my fingers,
My knuckles press into the floor.
I fall down beside you
but it's not safe to linger,
What am I staying here for?
It's harder to forget
cause they all love you,
And I've gotta pretend I don't.
You're harder to regret
cause when push comes to shove ya,
I gotta pretend he won't.

I steadied myself on the stool as the bridge flooded my ears, and I reveled in the acoustic sound surrounding me. This was the third acoustic song on the new album. For something that was supposed to have an edge, its corners were soft, easy to take.

The bridge overlapped itself again at the end as I leaned back into the mic, my lips dragging across it.

"I wish I could leave ya
but I can't leave ya be.
Can't find you these days,
"There's room for you in me".

But you pause on the weekdays
and climb to my fingers,
My knuckles press into the floor.
I fall down beside you
but it's not safe to linger,
What am I staying here for?
It's harder to forget
cause they all love you,
And I've gotta pretend I don't.
You're harder to regret
cause when push comes to shove ya,
I gotta pretend he won't."

The song ended and the tape clicked. I pulled my headphones off and stared into the booth, meeting the eyes of my bandmates; my brothers. Eventually Jack pressed the button and his voice echoed through the booth.

"Not sure if the take gets much better than that."

"I should go again for good measure."

Bondy shook his head. "Don't ruin perfection with trying to do it better."

I smirked at him.

"Why don't you take a fag break." Steve's voice filled the booth and I narrowed my eyes. When did he get here?