I Just Wanted to be Edgy Too

Chapter Fifty-Three

Van

"So?"

The silence was deafening in the small studio. The last bit of Coda ended minutes ago and neither of us said anything. Ellie was looking at the floor, tapping her foot against it, she kept her head down as she spoke.

"It's all of us. Isn't it?" Her eyes met mine and she swallowed. "I knew it was going to be...I knew you were doing this, but I didn't know it'd end up this deep."

I ran my hand over my mouth and sighed. "Is it...is it too much? Too personal?"

She half shrugged. "No one other than you and me...and Barns, will know. We're the ones that know it all. So no, it's not too personal. It's just..." she stopped talking and pushed her hair behind her ears. "It's strange to hear it all like that. To break down the memories into songs. To hear how you feel." Her eyes latched onto mine fiercely.

I pushed myself off the soundboard and walked to her, kneeling in front of her and resting my hands on her knees. "I wanted you to hear it first. I wanted you to hear what I wasn't scared to share with the world."

"It's incredible. People are going to love it."

I wanted to thank her, but that's not what came out next. What came out next was everything about her and about our relationship that I had been pocketing since early on. "Hopefully they love it the way I love you. Without thought. Without hesitation. It's just like breathing."

Ellie's shoulders fell as she kept her eyes on me. I felt myself smile, my cheeks warming as I looked down at my hands on her knees and traced patterns on them with my fingers.

"I didn't know it right away. All I knew, was that you pulled some type of inspiration from me I'd been lacking. I used you for a while, El. You were like a muse for me, and your relationship with Barns was something I wanted so badly to save you from. But I think I tried to convince myself otherwise. I kept playing you off as nothing special, but the truth is, you were always something I was wanting to look after. Even when I was immersed in my writing, that was because of you. I was sorting through my own feelings for you by writing them down and I didn't even realize it. When I'd drink myself stupid, it was because I was worked up over you. You've been in every corner of my life for months, and I should have told you all these things sooner, but at least I've got you now. At least your mine to say these things, too. I love you, Ellie. And it's not something that's going to go away. It's not something that I'll outgrow with the next season."

I let out a long breath, feeling winded from saying everything I'd kept in for months. It was true, I did better in song than in person. It was easy to rely on the beat of a song to change the mood of a situation, or to shake the nerves right off you. Communicating your feelings was harder.

Ellie reached for my fingers that were still drawing circles on her knees, and intertwined hers with mine. "You already know how I feel, Van. You know what you mean to me. And I'm not going to give that up, for any reason. I'm not going to sacrifice my feelings for you for any reason. I still wish I would have met you sooner, but I realize things might have been different if that were the case. I just hate the thought of missing out on so much time with you."

I smiled and squeezed her hand. "We can make up for it. We've got a lot of time ahead of us." And as the words fell from my mouth, I realized how misleading they could be. I was leaving tomorrow. We were leaving each other. And after that, we'd have an album to promote, a tour to ride through, and who knows what else. It could be a solid year before we'd have time to ourselves again, at least prolonged like it had been recently between us. I felt the smile disappear from my face, felt it falter into a frown.