I Just Wanted to be Edgy Too

Chapter Eight

Van

The hotel lobby was sometimes the best place to write. Especially late and night, or I s'pose early morning, when the only people in it are either on their way in or on their way out. Sometimes I needed reassurance that there were others like me, vampiric almost, lounging on over sized chairs in the night with sunglasses on.

Tonight the lobby had maintained a steady dose of quiet, until several medics ran in with a stretcher, and disappeared behind the elevator doors. A moment of panic flooded me, but it was fleeting, gone as soon as the medics disappeared from sight. I looked back at my notebook and scribbled a few more lines.

I hadn't finished the song I was working on from a few nights ago, but I managed to get two others nearly complete. This album, it was going to be different. I felt like I was onto bigger things, better things even. I was tapping into a part of myself I hadn't tapped into before, I was on the edge something different. I read the verse back, and tapped my foot to the beat of Bob's imaginary drum, wondering how it would sound in a studio, how it would feel on a guitar.

I should be better than I am now,
by now you're back to your house,
and I still call the road my home.
It's not pleasant
Living like this,
but when it comes to me
you don't give a shit,
Because you'd be better off without me
than you'd be alone.

I knew what would come next. I knew what lines the chorus would lead in with. I could feel them working their ways to my fingertips, but the ping of the elevator doors pulled me from my thoughts as Slim, Barns' scrawny English drummer who reminded me loads of Bondy, waltzed to the front desk and leaned over it. His body moved as he spoke, but he was too far away for me to make out his words. When he turned around, he ran both hands through his shoulder length hair, face more pale than normal. He paced by the elevators, pulling his phone out now and again, pressing his finger to the screen quickly before stuffing it back in his pocket. The guitar player whose name I usually forgot, showed up next. Agam. His name was Agam, and he looked more concerned than I had ever seen him. I watched him press his hands into Slim's shoulders and shake his head as he spoke.

Maybe something happened to Barns.

We'd all seen Barns take it too far, and there was a night at the beginning of the tour where his band thought his stomach needed pumped. He was too much of a liability to have around when he was acting like that, and not just to the band, but to me. I didn't need to be associated with any of that again, didn't need to be near it, tempted or otherwise. The fear in his band mates' eyes reassured me that something was wrong though, and I rose to my feet.

When I was halfway across the lobby, the elevator doors opened and three medics hauled out a stretcher that was now hosting a body. And not just any body, but Ellie's. I froze for a moment as I took in the breathing apparatus stuck to her face, and the blood pressure cuff being added to her arm. She had blood on her face, but I couldn't tell where it came from. Her eyes were closed but they would flutter open for a moment before closing again. Barns was nowhere.

I stepped to Slim too quickly, fear coating my veins. His eyes widened when he saw me standing there, notebook dangling from my hand. I tried not to look at Ellie, but like magnets, my eyes went to her as she coughed beneath the medics and moaned out in pain.

"What happened." It wasn't a question.

Slim rubbed the back of his neck. "We don't know man."

I narrowed my eyes at him. "Where's Barns." Still not a question

"Upstairs with one of the guys. Trying to calm down." Slim couldn't look me in the eye.

"What-"

"They found her in the bathroom." Agam's words were short. "She was on the floor. Think she had a seizure."

I bit into my bottom lip. "Yous just said you didn't know what happened."

Slim and Agam exchanged nervous looks. "Look man, we don't know any more than that. It's a big mess."

I crossed my arms over my chest, my notebook pressed firmly against me. "Which is it then. You don't know more, or it's a mess?"

"Both." Slim glanced over at the medics as they began to load Ellie into the back of the ambulance.

"Is anyone goin with her then? Or is she gonna wake up alone and terrified?"

"We're both going man, just chill okay. Don't let Steve know, don't let anyone know. We'll get this handled quietly and by the show tomorrow it'll all just be a memory. Just please Van...keep it quiet." Agam pleaded with me as Slim simply nodded his head.

I waved them both off as they disappeared into the back of the ambulance with Ellie. I felt sick and I couldn't help but wonder what happened to her. Why was she bleeding and how was she hurt? I reached in my pocket for my fags and realized I was out. I had more in the room, and I needed them. I climbed into the elevator and when the doors opened to the fourth floor, I locked eyes with a manic looking Barns.

He was pacing the foyer, clearly out of his head on something more than just weed. This was the product of an upper, and he was up. His eyes grew wide when he saw me, and I hesitated in the foyer while he stuttered.

"Barns, what happened."

He lost it then, starting shaking and rambling on about her falling, her falling. He kept saying it over and over.

"Barns, you need to calm down." I rested my hand on his shoulder. "Breathe, mate."

He swatted me away. "You don't get it. She's sick man, she's been sick for a long time. She fucks around with pills and doesn't eat and then...." his words trailed off as he stuttered again and held back tears, "and then this happens."

"Has it happened before?"

Barns nodded and collapsed to the floor. "I don't know what to do. You can't tell Steve, he'll send her home."

"Maybe that's where she needs to be if she's sick."

Barns shook his head furiously. "It'll be worse. She needs me, she needs to be with me."

The way he spoke the word "me" reminded me of a dog marking his territory.

"You need to be with her then, not sending yer mates to keep eyes on her!"

Barns shook his head. "It's for the best. Trust me. I've done this before with her. I need a cigarette."

I let out a long sigh. I disliked Barns, but I couldn't just walk away from someone in distress. It wasn't in my nature and it was the thing I hated most about myself. It was like a curse. I gave love to people who might not deserve it from me, but I never stopped giving it. I'd even written a song about that curse for The Balance.

"Let me get my fags and we'll 'ave one."

Barns nodded as I disappeared down the hall into my room. I grabbed my spare pack and hesitated for a moment before returning to Barns. I didn't know Ellie well enough to make assumptions of her, but she didn't seem like an addict to me. She didn't give off the vibes of someone who was using anything. I knew better. I knew what to look for.

Barns...Barns gave off the vibes of an addict though. And addicts do one thing better than anyone.

They lie.

*All lyrics are owned by the author*