I Just Wanted to be Edgy Too

Chapter Fifty-One

Van

"Are you in love with me, El?"

She sighed and twirled her hair round her finger. I stepped to her and snatched her hand. "Listen to me, I need to know if you are."

"Is it bad if I am?" Her voice cracked.

I bit my lip. "No."

"Is it too much too fast?"

"No."

She looked at her hands in mine and sighed. "What if I ruin you?"

"That's what you're worried about?"

She shrugged. "I just...sometimes I think I'm a lot to handle. I've got a lot of corners of my life that are full of rotten things. What if I just can't be alone? What if I'm just scared so I'm clinging to you because I don't know what else to do?"

I sighed. "I think it's normal for you to have these thoughts. I've had similar ones, El. Like what if I wanted you so badly because I couldn't have you? And what if that all goes away when you're mine?" I paused and examined the way her face twisted into concern. "It hasn't though. If anything, all this time with you here has done, is prove to me that I just want you more. And you're going to be going one way and I'm going to be going another way in two days, and all I want to do is stop everything and live in this moment with you."

"We'll be alright, Van." It sounded like she was trying to convince herself.

"Yeah? Because last time I left you, we didn't talk for months. And I know that's on both of us, but what if it happens again, El? Because this time around...I don't think I can go on without hearing your voice each day. I'm not sure I can live in a world where you don't exist."

"You've got the guys, Van. The band. And an album you'll be promoting soon. You've got so many things to keep your mind busy."

"Don't try to talk me out of loving you, El. And don't try to put a damper on what you are to me. Not having you around me for a while...the idea of it rips me apart. Especially with the call from Barns a few days back." Fear rolled through me before settling in the pit of my gut.

"I'm not talking you out of anything, I'm just trying to remind you that you have a life outside of this." She pointed at the space between us.

"But I don't want anything more than this. Than you."

She half smiled and looked at the ground. I knew what she was thinking; that she wasn't good enough. That she didn't deserve this, or me. My fingers found the underside of her chin and I tilted her head toward mine.

"I know you don't think you deserve me, but love...you've gotta stop thinking that. I'm not going anywhere."

"Just to Manchester."

I frowned. "It's not forever, love. I promise. And I'll find a way to get back to you soon."

"I know...I just...Van." She hesitated and stepped toward me, "I really do love you and I recently came to terms with that. It hit me hard and now I don't know what to do with it."

Every cold, iced over piece of me melted at her words. "Is that why things have been so...weird?"

She nodded. "I was afraid you wouldn't feel the same way. Or that you'd think it was too soon. And then I thought it'd be easier to leave on bad terms than good terms. I thought it'd be easier to say goodbye to you if I wasn't attached. If we were unsure."

"It's never easy to say goodbye to you." I sighed and leaned in to gently brush my lips over hers. She held me there for a second, kissing me back and tucking herself into my side when she pulled away.