I Just Wanted to be Edgy Too

Chapter Sixty-Three

Ellie

I'd never seen Van quite like this.

The only man that ever unraveled in front of me was Barns, and it was for two reasons.

One; he was sorry for what he did, apologizing endlessly and lacing empty words with tears.

Two; he was in a drug induced state of mind, and crossed the point of no return. He'd linger there for several minutes, incoherent and full of emotion before spinning into rage or euphoria, depending on what he was on.

Despite Larry giving Van something for anxiety, neither of those things seemed to be the reason for him breaking down in front of me. Van wasn't Barns, and the sooner I came to grips with that, the better I'd be at understanding him.

It looked like he'd just finally had enough. Enough of the drama that Barns brought to the table. Enough of the fear regarding the past, our past, and the fear of what the future would be like. Enough of the games. And maybe even enough of me.

I knew better than to dwell on the latter, but it was in my nature. And everything about us had been marked like a target since the beginning.

Maybe he reached his breaking point. Maybe it'd be easier to just call it a wash. He'd been distant at the bar, slightly irritated at whatever happened between him and Larry while they were outside, and short tempered for the majority of the evening. This wasn't the Van I knew, this was the side of him I saw when we were still playing games with each other. This was the side of him that came out on nights like the one he sang Red right to me. I swallowed the memory like it was a piece of glass, wincing the entire time I forced it down.

I didn't say anything, too afraid that words would launch him over the edge again, and too afraid to hear what he might have to say.

I'm not sure how long we stayed on the bathroom floor. It was long enough that the moisture from the running shower was building up beads of water along the walls. My skin felt damp and sticky, but I didn't want to say anything. I didn't want to shake him back up. Larry'd left us alone after Van finally stopped shaking. We'd been crowded by silence since.

His breathing was finally normal, but he was still wrapped around me like a vine. He stirred beneath my hands and mumbled into my shoulder. The simple action of him still keeping his hands on me, made me shove all my doubts into the corner.

"I'm so sorry, love." His voice was guttural.

"Stop. You have nothing to apologize for."

I wanted to know the truth about why he was falling apart all around me, but I wasn't going to press him for any details. He never pressed me for the ones I'd kept from his view, even after I told him everything.

"Everything came to a bit of a head tonight." His voice was hoarse as I tangled my fingers in his hair. He pulled back slightly, eyes red and swollen. He looked so young in that moment, and I felt a lump lodge in my throat. The look he was giving me, it broke my heart. It reminded me of the old photos I'd seen of him and the guys, long before I was even a scratch on his record. There was something so sincere in his youth, a side of him I didn't get to see much these days. The industry of music has a way of making you look older, and feel older, than you are. It's the lifestyle. It hardens you, ages you. I longed for the moments where he looked peaceful, relaxed and cool. They were rare. It was rare for all the boys, but mainly for Van.

He combed his fingers through his hair and wiped his face with the back of his hand. A small laugh escaped him as his cheeks reddened.

"Usually not a crier. Takes a lot to get me here."