I Just Wanted to be Edgy Too

Chapter Forty-Five

Van

Ellie didn't have much of an appetite after the words escaped her mouth. She did, however fill her wine glass and gulp down a large swallow. I wasn't going to stop her, not about this.

"What...what happened?" My voice sounded miles away, almost as if it didn't even come from me.

She drew circles on the table with her finger. "When I found out I was pregnant, I called my best friend. Barns and I were hot and cold during that time, and in that moment we were cold. We hadn't spoken much in weeks. My best friend told his band mate at the time, and Barns showed up at my door. He was...sober and nervous. Wanted to take me out and talk. At that point, I didn't know he knew. I honestly thought he just wanted me on his own. I thought I was finally good enough for him. It wasn't until that night at dinner that he told me he knew I was pregnant. He told me he wanted to do everything right. I believed him and we got back together."

The thought of a younger Ellie surrounded by a life like this made me feel uneasy. I watched her anxiously as she sorted through her memories, picking out the pieces she wanted me to know and the pieces that were irrelevant.

"We moved in together and he started writing more songs. He wanted to be able to provide for us with his music, and all I wanted was for us to be happy. Things were okay for about a month, then he started using cocaine again. I'd pick him up after a show, and he'd be waiting outside, higher than hell, arms draped around a girl that wasn't me. He called me his permanent DD. It became a joke with his bandmates. I became a joke. He stopped getting close to me, and started recoiling any chance he could get. I knew he wasn't happy, and I knew he was only staying with me because he thought he should."

She paused and looked around the restaurant nervously. She was rigid, angled in my direction, shoulders slouching as she played with her hair.

"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to." I whispered to her.

She shook her head and closed her eyes briefly. "Yes I do, Van." It sounded like she was trying to convince herself of that more than me.

"There was a night when things got really bad, and I should have made better choices. I went to a show he was playing, and I was sick. Really sick. I was probably the worst pregnant woman in history." She smiled softly at a private memory, my heart shattered. "I didn't know it until much later, but Barns tried heroin that night. He was out of control on stage, and I just figured that he was keyed up. After the show he insisted on taking us home, and I let him drive. I was too sick to drive anyway, and I just wanted to get into bed. I realized the minute we were on the road that he was on something, and I begged him to pull over and let me drive. We started fighting, he said I got pregnant on purpose and that he wasn't ready to settle down, then he got a little violent, lost control of the vehicle and t-boned another car. We rolled our vehicle, and when I came to, they were pulling me from the passenger side. I don't remember much, just that I was bleeding...a lot, and I think I knew then what was happening but I didn't get confirmation until the next day at the hospital."

I didn't have words for her.

"I wasn't that far along. Four months maybe. We didn't even have any names picked out. But it ruined me. It clawed me from the inside out. I didn't realize how badly I wanted that life until I couldn't have it anymore. Afterwards, Barns was...empty. He shut down. He swore he'd never dabble in hard drugs again and clearly you see how well he did with that. He never apologized for it, and the last memory I had on the subject was him blaming me and saying I got pregnant on purpose. I realized then it was a blessing that we lost the baby. It wouldn't have been wise to have a child in that environment. I'm not a religious person, but I realize now that a power much higher than me had something to do with that."