I Just Wanted to be Edgy Too

Chapter Forty-Eight

Ellie

How long would it take for that voice, his voice, to get out of my head?

It was like a cold you couldn't get rid of. Allergies even. Sticking around long enough just to piss you off before maneuvering into a short term disappearing act. It'd stay dormant for a while, before clawing its way back up your spine to remind you of its weight.

Barns' voice did that to me. It lived inside of me, along with every volatile thing he'd ever done to me. Therapy couldn't cure me of that, and I knew that going in. I knew there were some wounds too deep for help to even clot. I wasn't mad, I accepted that I would deal with areas of him, memories of him, for as long as I lived.

But our conversation was too fresh, too ripe to let go of. I replayed it like a loop in my mind. Every time I closed my eyes, I'd see myself sitting in the pub, Benji and Bob's smiles fading as the look on my face morphed into terror.

"I didn't expect you to answer." He purred as his velvet words rotted their way into my skin.

"What....Barns. Where are you?"

Benji and Bob immediately rose to their feet and walked to my side of the table. Benji's hand pressed lightly into my shoulder, a soothing action that I didn't expect from him.

"I'm not as far from you as you think."

I felt dizzy. I sucked in a long breath of air and closed my eyes. "What do you mean?"

He laughed, the low guttural sound that I was more than used to living through. It was attached to memories, some good, most of them bad. I shuddered.

"Tell me, do you like Glasgow?"

I stopped breathing.

He laughed again. "I take it by your silence that you're probably wondering how I knew that. If I know you at all, and trust me I think I know you better than anyone, you're probably biting your lip and looking around for me, expecting me to be sitting in the booth behind you, and two of the fucking idiots from Catfish."

He was right. My teeth scraped across my lower lip roughly as I looked up at Benji and Bob nervously. Their concern was evident, and I couldn't find the words to explain to them what was happening.

"What's he saying?" Bob's tone was fatherly. "Ellie, what do you need us to do?"

"What does Van think about you running around with other men? I never thought much of you spending time with him, turns out I should have." His tone turned crass.

I closed my eyes again, trying to wrap my mind around the thought that he was closer to me than I expected. Fear crept lightly up my spine and rested against my shoulders. I felt myself shake under the weight of Benji's hand. He squeezed me harder, doing his best to comfort me.

"Barns...please. Just tell me where you are. What you want?"

"And spoil the fun? No...I think I'll just keep an eye on you instead."

"Why?" I felt the tears begin. As if weeks of pent up healing were all crashing down around me. He still had the capability to bring these thoughts forward, bring my fears forward. He still knew how to ruin me, even when he wasn't in my life.

Maybe he'd never not be in my life.

The thought swallowed me whole.

"You think you can get away from me this easily? And forget everything we had?"