I Just Wanted to be Edgy Too

Chapter Fifty

Van

It'd been four days since we'd listened to the album with Jack, and I could feel the distance growing between Ellie and me already. It leveled me out, made me feel less like a person and more like an act. This is the part of me I was too used to. The part of me that lost everything that wasn't music. The part of me that didn't know how to handle love unless it had to do with my music. I learned early on that your music will never let you down, and it'll never leave you. It's the one constant thing in my life.

We were leaving the flat on Saturday to head to Manchester, and Ellie was leaving to go home. I had half a mind to fly her to mine and Larry's house in Chester, and let her stay there for a few days until our meetings were done, but I knew eventually she'd have to go back. I knew I wouldn't be in one place for very long. It wasn't fair to her to wait on me. And maybe she didn't even want to.

Since Barns arrived back in the picture as a threat, she shut down, turning almost completely off when it came to communication. I couldn't put my finger on it, but it felt like before when she'd run back to him. I knew it was different now, but worry kept lagging around the corners of my mind.

Our conversations became minimal. Pained even. I wasn't sure if it was just the leaving, or if it was something else that was causing it, but I didn't like it. I wanted the last few days with her to be easy, not edgy.

She was smoking a fag on the back patio when I found her. The air was damp but not freezing, and a flicker of sun broke through the clouds casting shadows off the walls. I exhaled as I slid the door open and stepped outside. She half smiled at me before her eyes found the ground.

I sank to a chair across from her and tapped my fingers on the tabletop. "Can I take you out tonight?"

She ashed her cigarette with shaking fingers. "Can we go to that wine bar?"

I smiled. "Whatever you want." We'd passed it last week walking back from the studio, and she mentioned how much she loved a good bottle of red. She said it matched the thoughts inside of her.

"And the guys, they can come?"

I felt my chest heave and the corners of my mouth pull downwards, but I tried not to let it show. As much as I wanted to be alone with Ellie, I knew it was going to be hard for her to say goodbye to them as well. I wasn't going to make things worse by telling her no. I didn't know how to tell Ellie no to begin with.

"Absolutely." I lied through my teeth and tried to fake my excitement. She picked up on it, narrowing her eyes the slightest bit and pressing her lips together harshly. She didn't say anything about it though, and eventually she hit her fag again and let out a long exhale.

The silence outside deafened me. It was too loud for me to think about, too consuming. I could stomach sharing her with them tonight, but I had one thing left with Ellie that I had to do on my own. One thing that she needed to sit through, listen to, and decipher.

I wasn't going to tell her about it now. But I'd show her tomorrow. It was the last thing I'd ask of her, especially if the awkward tension between us was a result of Barns being back. I didn't want to assume that this was the end, but it felt like it. It felt off. And if it was the end, then I wanted it to end with her knowing the entire truth about the last few months she'd been in my life.

"What are you thinking about?" Her voice wavered on the edges of curiosity and concern. Maybe there was hope for us. Or maybe not.

I shrugged and leaned backwards in the chair, stretching my arms out and cradling the back of my head in my hands.

"How weird it's going to feel to not being here."

She nodded once. "I do love Scotland. I never thought I'd get to see it."