I Just Wanted to be Edgy Too

Chapter Seventy-Six

Ellie

I needed to clear my head.

I shut off the radio interview when they took their second break. I could hear the distress in Van's voice, and the confusion in Bondy's. I doubted the listeners would pick it up, but I knew them both too well. I knew how they sounded when they were up, and how they sounded when they were down. The questions hit too close to home, and I'm not sure what else I expected.

I knew at some point, everything would come out in the wash. I guess I didn't expect it to be right now.

There would be a time when the truth about Van and I would circulate, regardless if that was when Barns was finally caught, or when someone started talking. Enough people knew about it I suppose. The crew, the roadies, the employees of the hotel. Eventually something would come out, I just wasn't ready for it.

And I doubted Van was, either.

Mary and Bernie were in London for a few days, doing some sightseeing and taking in the warmer weather, which left me to my own device. I never minded being alone, but I was alone in a new place, and I hadn't really made any friends yet. I'd only gone into town for groceries and petrol, and I was still struggling with driving in a new country. I tried to avoid it if I could, but there were times I couldn't escape it. Today, I wanted to get out. I needed to find some peace. Especially after the mind game I played with myself last night, and the way Van sounded on the phone with me.

I needed to explore.

It was warm enough that I didn't need a jacket and my sweater did just fine, and I threw on some comfortable jeans to go with it. I wanted to explore Llanddulas a bit, maybe walk the coast and take in the waves lapping the shore. Maybe that's all I needed. Something familiar to make me feel more at home.

I grabbed my phone just in case Van tried to call me after the interview, and I figured he might. He was likely rolling around in guilt and frustration, and there were some things Van needed to talk out. This would be one of them. Truth be told, there were things I needed to say on the topic as well.

I pulled out of the driveway and headed toward town, opting to keep the radio off and the ride silent. Some thoughts needed no background noise, and right now I was in that headspace.

The ride to town from our house was short, maybe five minutes if that. I parked along the road and meandered down to the rock shoreline of the Irish Sea. It was different than back home but it still pacified the need in me to be near the water. Back home, the east coast boasted sprawling, sandy beaches and warm water to dip your toes in. Here reminded me of the Pacific Northwest. Foggy patches of hazy clouds painted the sky, letting some sunlight through, but never enough to hurt your eyes. Everything was lush and green, and damp in a good way. I walked the shoreline, admiring the smooth texture of the rocks and pausing to look at the tide pools now and again. I smiled at the strangers who passed me and greeted the few dogs that ran sideways down the beach with sticks in their mouths. Van would love this.

I frowned at the thought of doing this alone most of the time. There were so many things he'd miss out on. But on the other side of that, there were so many things he'd get to experience on the road. Places. People. Cultures. It was so very easy for me to be sad for him and happy for him in the same moment.

I imagined him and I walking along this shoreline one day, maybe a dog of our own running along the edge of the water. I wondered what life would be like then. How easy it would be. I wondered how long I'd have to wait for those moments. I felt selfish wanting him with me, but I'd grown accustom to doing things on my own while I was in a relationship with Barns. It wasn't until the last tour that he actually took me anywhere with him. None of this was new territory for me, I just missed Van more, because Van meant more. He was more.