I Just Wanted to be Edgy Too

Chapter Seventy-Four

Ellie

I hadn't been sleeping well.

Tonight, I had the thunderstorms outside to thank. They'd rolled in at dusk and finally settled in the late evening hours, cracking lightning through the window and casting shadows on the wall. I shuddered. I hated thunderstorms. Hated them.

Van had been gone for two weeks. Those first four days were filled with multiple calls and messages. Tiny little tidbits of inside jokes we shared and shameless flirting. But after that, the calls turned into once a day reminders that he loved me, usually before bed, and a good morning message, with little to nothing in between. I wouldn't ever tell him how much it hurt not to hear his voice in the mornings. I'd press my phone against my ear and bury my face in the pillows. It was almost like he was still here, speaking the words to me.

I knew this was just the start of it, too. He'd be gone longer soon. And I'd have to figure out a way to cope with months of not having him here. My chest heaved at the thought. It was difficult for me to process how deeply I cared about him. I'd never had this longing, this need to be around a person until Van. With Barns, I felt like I was his, but he wasn't mine. With Van...we belonged to each other, there was no question. Equals.

I tossed and turned in the too large bed, trying to soak up any last scent of Van's shampoo on his pillow; but that faded last week. Now, I was just chasing ghosts that no longer stayed here.

I grabbed my phone out of habit as another streak of lightning cut through the sky, tossing light into the darkness and outlining the clouds. I clicked on Van's name, even though he told me goodnight hours ago before he went out to dinner with a group of writers and the guys. I didn't want to seem needy, but it was the first storm in the house, and I was alone. I swallowed as the third ring drug out, wondering if I'd made a mistake.

"Hu-llo?" He stuttered and I bit my lip.

"Did I call in the middle of something important?" I instantly felt guilty.

"What? No love...I wouldn't have answered if it was something detrimental." He paused. "Fuck, I realize that sounds bad. It's just...what I mean is..."

"I know what you meant." I sighed. And I did. There were times during his job when he wouldn't be able to answer. He couldn't pause a gig to tell me goodnight, and he couldn't walk out of an interview in the middle of it. Especially if it was being filmed.

"What's going on? Why are you still up? It's late." His tone was licked in worry.

"It's thundering."

"Oh...oh love I'm sorry you're alone. You want me to call Mary?"

"What? No. No, not at all." I closed my eyes and shook my head, immediately feeling childish. "I'm fine...it's just weather."

"You're lyin' through your teeth." I could almost see his smile.

"I'll be alright." I said on an exhale, the sound of his voice alone soothing the rough edges of reality, even it was only for a moment. "What are you doing?"

"Finishing up at the restaurant. They're getting ready to close anyway."

"I'm sorry...I figured you'd be done." I felt my cheeks burn. I didn't want to be this girl. The one who blows up his phone while he's away just because I'm lonely and needed some attention.

"No...love...it's fine. Trust me. I'm just havin' a ciggy. Plus...you're what matters, alright? Not impressing writers the label set me up with."

I relaxed for a moment. "I just miss you. That's all."

I felt my words leave my mouth, felt the truth and the pain they laid upon, and I regretted it. I regretted it because I knew how he'd take that. It'd eat him alive.

He exhaled and I imagined a plume of smoke warping into the air above him. His face twisting into grief and his shoulders falling with the weight of his own guilt.

"I know...I hate this. I'm trying to act like I've got myself together, but I don't, El."

I closed my eyes as another rumble of thunder echoed off the roof of the house. I felt hollow and cold. Suddenly, the room was too cold. I wrapped the comforter around me as I adjust the phone.

"I don't want to ruin your night. I don't want to drag you down. You don't need to hear this."

"Ellie, please don't end the call. Not like this. You're not ruining anything. I promise. I want to be there just as much as you want me there."

"You're going to get busier." I confessed my fears and gnawed on my lip. Hating myself for making him feel like this, and hating myself for feeling like this at all. I was stronger than this.

"I know." He was whispering, and my heart broke a little knowing I was the reason for his almost undoing.

The silence between us raged on in thick waves as rain pelted the glass of my window.

"Let me stay on the line with you until you fall asleep." He said softly.

I smiled to myself and laid down, wrapping myself into the sheets of his side of the bed, pretending he was closer than it felt.

"You comfy?"

"Mmhmm." I nodded.

"You need to sleep love. Just close your eyes. I'll be here till you're asleep. I promise."

"What about the guys?" I mumbled, half embarrassed at the thought of them catching him with a phone against his ear, while he waited for me to fall asleep.

"They'll be alright. Just relax."

I closed my eyes as the thunder rolled on outside. I was aware of the sounds on his end of the line. Tires against asphalt and the soles of his boots against cobblestone as he walked. Thoughts danced in and out of my consciousness as I yawned.

"Still with me, love?"

"Yeah." I mumbled into the phone, the haze of sleep pressing into my spine.

More thoughts fired as the sounds on his end echoed. Car doors closing, mumbled voices that sounded familiar to me, quiet laughter and hushed conversation. I felt the promise of sleep blanket me heavier, but I was pulled from it again by Van.

"You there, babe?"

"What are you doing?"

"Just getting out of the car and heading to my room. The guys say goodnight."

"Goodnight."

I'm not sure if he tried to talk to me after that. I'm not sure how long he lingered on the line and listened to my breathing fade into deep, heavy exhales. I'm not sure of anything after that, because sleep pulled me into its grasp and I stayed there for the rest of the evening.