Adore me- the fourth novel

Chapter 39 - I cant look

Jays POV

There's a shift that takes place when just the slightest opportunity of becoming a person with a lot more responsibility occurs within your world.

However small that possibility may be, as always I decide that I am prepared for it. As if the events leading up to this have primed me for it completely. The acquisition of our new home. And even the break-in which has taught me to never ever take chances with the person I love the most in this world.

Retreating down the mountain has been significantly easier than hiking up the thing. I check on Taylor for what feels like the hundredth time. Looking at her never bores me, there's always something new I see in her.

And when I glance over my shoulder this time as we're returning to our car I can see the anxiety behind her expression. And I recognise it from my mothers expression, a fear that she used to wear whenever anybody would discuss pregnancy or babies or children in any capacity. And that's when it clicks in my head, the miscarriage. Taylor is worried about the possibility that she isn't pregnant and she's terrified of the possibility that she is and that she will lose this one.

We purchased a dozen tests on the way back through town. And I make a mental note to go at her pace with this. Not to rush her in any capacity. I think about my Dad, yet again. And feel peeved by the relationship I am developing with him. I imagine what it must have been like to go through this time and time again with the woman he loves and I almost understand his distant behaviour. The way he cut himself off from the whole thing after a few journeys around the same track; conception and then inevitably loss.

I start up the car and check Taylor again. She's buckled in and I smile reassuringly at her. Then she takes me altogether by surprise. She grasps my chin just before I turn to look back through the windscreen.

Keeping me facing her she kisses me passionately.
"I'm ready to know" she says to me.

"Either way it is fine; but I want to know for sure or not" she blubbers.

She's pregnant. I just know it. She's crying again. I have to be strong and dependable and I must facilitate her every need.

"Wanna do a test when we get back" I suggest smiling.

"Yes" she replies and then she laughs.

I check my mirrors and then pull out to head back to our lodge. I still can't believe that I bought us a lodge but I am glad that I did. Totally necessary purchase. Briefly I imagine bringing our kids there, we would have two. A boy and a girl. I need to rein myself in.

It's a longish drive, especially when you are waiting to do something as important as taking a pregnancy test. Eventually however we end up on the beaten track to the wilderness.

Eventually bump after bump on the road I park up and jog around the car to let Taylor out. She smiles at me and we head up the wooden steps tap our key in and we're back home.

Immediately I go to get the fire going, once that has started I turn to Taylor and we head upstairs to the en-suite.

"Jay I'm super nervous" she says in a small voice.

In all of my wildest dreams I never imagined that I could be this person. The one that reassures his soon to be wife that everything is going to be fine either way. The man that has a soon to be wife in the first place and that could also be a soon to be dad.

"Shhh it will be fine" I smile.

Taylor heads into the en-suite and I wait outside patiently. I look at the walls, the clock, the dresser everything and anything just willing for the time to pass.

I hear the click of the door, and she appears with the test. Coming to sit with me on the side of the bed.

I rub her back slightly as she glances at me and looks into my eyes.

"I can't look" she says softly.

I smile back at her and glance down. We bought fancy tests, early detection ones that tell you in words rather than lines and that should let you know how many weeks along you are should you be pregnant.

When I read the words tears prickle my eyes and I can't imagine how I could be so lucky.

"Taylor we are" I begin looking up at her but I can't finish.

She gazes down at the stick and cries throwing her arms around me.

"We are going to be parents" I say in her ear. Kissing her neck and her cheeks and holding her close to me.

"It says 3-5 weeks already" she sobs.

"I've been carrying for that long without knowing" she smiles.

I scoop my hair back, time to think and plan.

"I'm going to book you an appointment with Dr Forester" I say to her.

Then before I know it I'm down on my knees kissing her tummy and she's chuckling her hands in my hair.

"Taylor" I say looking up at her.

"I could never ever have imagined being this person and having all of this with anybody. I consider myself to be the luckiest man alive. I love you so fucking much." I tell her but my words are never enough.

"I think I must be the luckiest women alive too" she says sobbing.

"Let's get a check up" she smiles grasping my hands on her belly.

"And get married" she laughs.
"We can't tell anyone until we're both safe" she says looking down at her tummy.

I see everything in her in that second. The passionate women that I love, the mother who would do anything for her unborn child. The talented courageous woman that she is becoming.

"I'll book you both in for the morning" I say.

I look at the women who has given me everything and I know that I must meet all of her expectations and exceed them. I can't imagine ever being enough but I will strive to be every day for the rest of my life.