Adore me- the fourth novel

Chapter 64- so many I love you's

Matty is being discharged. The doctor came by a few hours later to go through everything. It was daunting for everybody. Especially for Kim. Who listened intently to all of what the doctor said. He will be referred to mental health services, something which has relieved me somewhat.

Jay has gone to get some food, it's dark out and well past dinner time. Kim is taking a call outside, Matty is in a room being checked over by doctors. Rachel left long ago. By pure accidental circumstance we've been left in a room together. All alone, avoiding one another like we don't know each other. Like we weren't locked in an embrace kissing just nights ago.

"Taylor" he says softly. I look up over the hospital bed at Ross.

"Yes, Ross" I say.

"It's not even like that" he says.

"And it's not even anything to do with me. I just wish you would choose someone who is just as wonderful as you are" I say honestly.

"I'm being honest, Jesus. I've told you time and time again that I love you. I'm not dating her, I'm just.." he says exasperated.

"You're just worth so much more" I say and I cry.
I'm emotional, I blame my hormones for that.

"I want you to be happy, so happy and in love with somebody that is nice and decent and beautiful" I say blubbering.

"What with you?" He remarks softly.

"That's the only way I can have that" he says and he stands.

"No don't not right now" I say wiping my eyes.

He sits again and we resume our silence. It's deadly. Fully charged and ready to explode into an argument.

"Look" he says and his voice wobbles. I stare at him willing myself not to cry.

"I cannot love anybody else. But I can have meaningless relationships. I understand you're engaged, I understand you love him. And not me. But I know that you feel something for me, somewhere inside of you. I don't want to ever lose you, I just want you to see where I am in all of this" he says softly.

"I understand." I say softly.

"You're my best friend, and I don't want to ever lose you either okay. I care for you. I always will" I cry.

"Do you remember, when you lived with me briefly. After Matty" he says softly into the dark.

"We were so close, and however brief that time was, I will always want you. I will want us to wake up together just like we did after the first time we ever had sex" he says softly.

"What can I say to that Ross? Yes I'm a rubbish person for getting with you and then falling for Jay. I wanted you, I needed you and it was unfair and shitty of me. I'm sorry" I say looking at my hands, just knowing that moment would come back and bite me on the butt.

"You don't have to say anything. It was perfect. I'm not saying you're rubbish or shitty" he half laughs.

"You don't need to apologise" he adds softly.

I stand first this time, move around the bed to him. He stands too and I embrace him.

"I'm sorry. And I do need to apologise." I say softly. Then after staring into his eyes I pace back and put some very necessary distance between us.

I sit back down fully intent on resuming our silence. The lights come on and I look up seeing the doctor and Matty walking back into the room.

"All done here" Matty says resigned. Both myself and Ross stand waiting to hear what's next.