Adore me- the fourth novel

Chapter 164- now I only have the dreams left

Talking is always easier when you go for a walk whilst you're having difficult conversations. Having this particular conversation with my best friend, though if I'm honest Ross has always meant much more to me than any friend ever has done, is tough. I look up at him and pull my cardigan around me. The night isn't cold, but I'm in my pjs.

"I probs shouldn't have come out with that one huh?" He says and his blonde hair falls back.

I watch him, wondering what he thinks I'm going to say. And there is just no way of saying any of this that will work out with him being happy.

"You went full on savage on Jay" I laugh.

"Yeah well, it bit me in the ass anyways" he sighs.

"Ross" I begin and he takes charge turning me to face him.

"Taylor" he says softly and he sweeps my hair back.

"I can't face you and say this" I say wiping my eyes and practically blubbering. He catches my tears in his hands.

"Honestly, it's okay" he reassures me.

"Don't say it then" he says.

"But I need too, if anything tonight has made that clear" I say softly.

"This is all my fault right? So you don't have to pick up the pieces. You don't have to do anything." He says and he strokes my arm.

"I shouldn't have instigated any fight with Jay, I could have kept it between us. And then we could have been standing here gazing at each other rather than sobbing" he says wiping my eyes.

"You lost it because this situation is unfair. You lost it and fought him for a real reason. Please do not blame yourself. This is on me, and me only." I say softly crying.

"But" he begins.

"No" I say as he tries to protest.

"I care for you greatly, I love you even. But you have to know that I am marrying Jay because we are supposed to be together." I say softly.

He sobs and this is the bit I feared the worst. He sobs and I cannot fold and give up. I cannot backtrack.

"But I love you" he says and it's totally innocent. I can sense his belief and assurance in those feelings and in his ability to make me his own. That I might walk up the aisle to him wearing my wedding dress, him waiting at the end with a ring to place upon my fingers.

"I love you" he says again his thumbs pushing the tears away and off my face.

"And you said it as well Taylor" he says looking at me pleading.

"I did say it and I meant it. Would you rather I had never said it?" I ask him.

"No" he says stroking my face.

"It made my whole world complete" he says.

"I swear to God Taylor I literally had visions of it" he says.

"I dreamt of kissing your belly in bed, pregnant with my child. I dreamt of kissing your forehead at night while you slept. I dreamt it all up, and now I only have the dreams left" he says.

I sob wiping tears away, but this isn't my heartbreak, it's his. And I'm selfishly crying tears all over his shoulder as if I'm the one who's in pain. The pain comes with the fact that this could have been avoided. I could have changed this outcome, I could have stopped him from hurting. I let it all happen; collecting his kisses, his Ross hugs and his endless words of love and I held onto them with no intention of keeping him.

"There's nothing I can say here" I tell him softly.

"Tell me that it doesn't have to be the end" he says softly.