Adore me- the fourth novel

Chapter 59- just you

The sun rises in the morning, regardless of the events of our night. I feel for my bump straight away. After the nightmares it reassures me.

When I sit up everybody is awake apart from Matty. I clear my throat and glance at Ross briefly. He looks directly in my eyes and I avert my gaze straight away. This is something I must explain to Jay. At the right time.

"Any news" I ask Kim.

"Everything is still the same" she says softly gazing at her brother.

I stand up slowly and look at Matthew. There's more colour in his face.

"I'll do the coffee run this morning" I announce watching Matty sleeping soundly.

I turn to face Jay, gaze into his clear blue eyes.
"I'll go with you" he smiles.

We grab our things and head out with everybody's order.

Walking through the halls of the wards, everything feels alien. Like we walked in here together and now lots has happened and I just want to get back on track. To where we were. A recently engaged couple in their new home.

I have to tell him this morning what I allowed to happen last night. And hope that he understands, or that he shouts at me and calls me a horrible monster.

He holds my hand as we walk to the coffee shop. He orders just for us. And I take that as my queue to hash this out.

I sit us down on one of the sofa seats. I turn to him, taking in his absolute beauty and perfection. My Jay, my lover. I stroke a stray blonde hair off of his face and gaze into his eyes.

"What's up" he says smiling apprehensively.

"I love you, thank you for being there for me" I say and I mean it.

"And I love you too I'd be a pretty shit fiancée if I wasn't there for you" he says softly. And now I feel shit. Like the shittiest fiancée ever kissing his best friends.

"Ross was pretty caught up in all of this" I comment.

"Yea he talked to me about it yesterday" he says looking into his coffee as if it holds all of the answers.

"Me too" I say.

He just looks at me uncomprehending.

"He ugh talked to me in the night, last night and he ugh hugged me because he was upset" I say softly looking into his coffee now too.

"Okay" he says softly, slightly unsure. I couldn't have ever imagined making him feel unsure, but here we are.

"He ugh did more than hug me" I say and I look up at him. For a brief second I see that sinking feeling in his expression, the one where your heart plummets. And I cry again.

"I'm sorry Jay, I love you and I want you and only you and everything that we have" I say desperately seeing the rejection in his eyes.

"He was upset and I behaved like an idiot"
I say, and this isn't coming out how I need it too. I am a monster.

"What happened" he says softly.

"He just hugged me, I was crying and he was too. Then he kissed me whilst saying he was sorry because usually he's good at blocking me out." I say softly watching him.

"You were upset Taylor" he replies after a pause.

"So was he" he says.

"How's bump?" He smiles.

"Bump is fine" I say and I rest my head on his chest.

He strokes my hair tentatively, thinking.

"I know you care so much about him" he says after a pause.
"And he cares for you, I've seen that. He was devastated and so were you." He says.

"I care for him as a friend, I'm an idiot I just felt like this was all my fault pushing Matty away and I didn't want to hurt Ross too" I say.

"Ross has never looked so down and broken. And I'm a monster for doing this and I understand if you hate me" I say into his chest.

"I love you" he says pulling my chin up to meet his mouth in a kiss.

"I understand" he adds.

"I'll never get the connection you two have. But I see why it happened. Considering what just happened" he clarifies.

We stay like that for a while, just in each other's arms at the back of a hospital coffee shop but we could be anywhere really. Because we're together and it's just us.

"Let's get these coffees then I'm going to pop home" he announces. I feel like clinging onto him but I restrain myself. Wipe my eyes and stand up.

After buying everybody a coffee and breakfast Jay helps me to carry it all up to the intensive care unit. We enter Matty's room bringing the smell of muffins and bacon with us.

"It's not stupid relax" I hear Kim say as I close the door.

"I'm sorry I worried you that's not okay" I hear Matty's voice explaining, raspier than usual.

I turn to face his bed with tears in my eyes.

"Matthew" I say softly.

He turns his face to me, an expression of utter love mixed in with the sadness of his eyes.

"Taylor" he replies in a broken voice.

Before I realise I've moved I'm in his arms. The coffee on the side long forgotten.

"I'm sorry l.." I whisper in his ear

I take a step back before I kiss another one of Jays friends.

"Glad you're okay man" Jay says.

"Hey do you want some non hospital food" he says handing him a muffin.

"Thankyou" Matty smiles weakly.

I push myself to sit down rather than hover around Matty's bed.

"Taylor" Jay says softly and I turn to him.

"I'm gonna go, what would you like me to bring back for you" he says.

"I'll walk with you to the car" I smile.

"It's okay" he says glancing at Matty. He gives me a nod as if to say catch up with him this is more important.

"Clothes and snacks. Phone charger" he says smiling.

"Anything else" he adds. I stand and hug him. I linger waiting for him to kiss me and he does.

"Just you." I murmur softly.

"I just need you" I smile before he leaves.