A Gintama Fanfic

Mayonnaise Past Its Expiration Date Will Give You Indigestion

"Captain Okita, may I have permission to leave, sir!" Sougo lifts up his eye mask and stares at Yamazaki, "Why do you want to leave? Planning on meeting someone today?" "Uh sort of! It's Thursday so it's kind of a special day and I also don't want to eat any mayonnaise today, sir!" Sougo stares at Yamazaki, "Sure I'll give you permission, if you tell me who you're meeting." Yamazaki freezes and averts his gaze from Sougo. "I'm meeting a friend." "Girl or boy and I want their name." Yamazaki bites his lip, "It's a girl..." "Look me in the eye, Yamazaki. Now tell me who this girl is." Yamazaki hesitantly looks Sougo in the eye, "I plan on playing badminton with Ki-San!" Sougo's left eye twitches out of frustration, "Ki-San? Yamazaki did you give my girlfriend a nickname?" "Eek! Yes, sir! She gave me a nickname so I thought it would be alright to give her one!" Sougo evilly chuckles and stands up. He places his hand on Yamazaki's shoulder and looks at him, "Oh Yamazaki, you thought wrong." Yamazaki's blood runs cold as Sougo gives him a Sadistic glare. "So am taking that as a no....." "You damn right." Sougo walks away leaving Yamazaki petrified.
----------------Dinner Time--------------
"Hijikata did you know Yamazaki wanted extra helpings of that disgusting mayonnaise." Yamazaki's eyes widen as Sougo pushes him forward. Hijikata nods in approval, "Finally someone has realized how amazing mayonnaise is! Here's two extra servings of it just for Yamazaki!" Kondo watches Yamazaki's face contort with horror as Hijikata piles the mayonnaise onto his plate. 🐒Maybe I should stop Toshi. It doesn't seem like Zaki wants all that. But Sougo did insist upon it... Maybe Zaki is just too shy to ask for more.🐒 "Th-thank you, Vice Chief..." Yamazaki walks away as all the other members start to pity him. "Ah to hell with it! Extra servings for everyone!" Everyone begins to moan, except Sougo. "Hijikata as much as I would love to eat that dog food, I already ate dinner." "Oh yeah? Where?" "Unlike you, I have a girlfriend who'll cook me real food and not dog food." Hijikata grabs Sougo by the collar and starts shaking him, "Take it back! It's not dog food! Mayonnaise is the King of Condiments! It goes with everything and it taste delicious! Look even Kondo-San is eating it without complaint." Kondo downs his meal with tears in his eyes, "Sougo don't knock it before you try it! It doesn't taste half bad!" "Kondo-San, you're crying." "These are tears of pure bliss." "Hijikata you poisoned Kondo-San, how evil." Hijikata starts shaking Sougo again, "Who poisoned who! If anything you're poisoning everyone with your negative attitude!" While the two fought, Yamazaki falls over in his seat clutching his stomach. The others around him start to freak out. "YAMAZAKI!! Hang in there!" More and more men start to fall over. Hijikata and Sougo stop fighting and look around them. "What the hell... You guys are really going to play along with this Sadist!?" "Hijikata, I don't think they're trying to humor us.. You really did kill them with your mayonnaise obsession." Then Yamazaki stands up still clutching his stomach, he slowly walks towards them, "Mayoonaise..." The others start to stand up even Kondo does. Hijikata and Sougo both let out girlish screams as they make a run for it.
------------The Next Afternoon---------
"Gin-Chan, you promised me and Kisa some money!" Kisa shakes her head, "I don't understand why we have an allowance! We have a ton of money to spare!" Gintoki sighs, "Don't you see, we have to be economical. We can't just be spending our money left and right." Kisa scoffs, "And being economical would considerably be using the money for Pachinko?" Gintoki whacks the back of Kisa's head, "Listen up, it's a good investment for our money!" "Heh? How the hell is that a good investment? You're only saying that because you barely win and that's where most our money goes too!" "Kisa's right-aru! And if you're going to give us an allowance, give us a bigger one!" Gintoki then whacks Kagura, "You shut up too! You both are just too greedy! Be like Pachi, he's grateful for what he gets." "No he's not! He's specifically said to you that he wants a raise and that you're a cheapskate!" Gintoki cracks his knuckles, "Pachi really said that, huh? Guess I'll have to teach him a lesson later on!" Kisa throws a crumpled receipt at Gintoki. "Oi, what was that for?" "You can't beat up Shinpachi just because he stated the truth or maybe you can't handle the truth?" Gintoki picks Kisa up back the back of her kimono and lifts her off the ground. "AH! Put me down! Put me down!" "If I can't handle the truth then it must be the same for you! You can't accept the fact you're short. Look I'm barely lifting you up and you can't even put your toes to the ground." Kisa kicks around as Gintoki laughs, "You're a monster, Gintoki! You white haired bully!" Kagura laughs at the two and is bumped into by someone, "Mayooonaise." Kagura pushes him away and starts coughing, "Yuck! Don't touch me!" Gintoki and Kisa turn their attention to Kagura. "Hey look it's a Tax Thief. Hey pal don't you have some taxes to rob or something?" The Shinsengumi officer sticks his hand out towards Gintoki, "Mayooonaise!" "Eek! What's wrong with him?" "He probably got indigestion or something like that. Come on Kagura get away from him before you catch his disease or something." Gintoki picks Kagura up too and walks away from the Shinsengumi officer, who is now spreading his germs on other people. They get back to Odd Jobs and Kagura curls up on the couch. Kisa puts her hand against her forehead, "Are you okay, Kagura? Maybe you caught something from that guy...." "My stomach hurts." "Hmm, I'll go get some stomach medicine from the store. Gintoki I need money for some medicine!" Gintoki waves Kisa off, "She's probably just constipated. She'll crap it out later." Kisa sucker punches Gintoki in the gut and takes fifteen dollars from his wallet, "Alright so some stomach medicine and an ice pack for your crushed ego. I'll be back!" Gintoki lays on the floor holding his stomach, "Dammit, I gave her an opening..." He slowly stands himself up and sits on the couch opposite of Kagura. "Ughh.... I don't feel good." "Stop complaining! She just sucker punched my stomach into next week." Kagura rolls off the couch an hits the floor with a loud thud. "Oi Kagura! What's wrong! Are you dying?" Kagura quickly stands up and turns toward Gintoki, "Mayooonaise." "Eh? K-kagura did you just say mayo?" She shuffles toward Gintoki and groans, "Mayooonaise...." Gintoki lets out a manly shriek as he throws himself over the couch. The front door is opened and Shinpachi walks in, "I'm here! Or are you all still sleeping?" "Pachi! Don't let Kagura touch you! She's infected with indigestion!" "Huh?" Kagura shuffles toward Shinpachi, swiping at his face, "Mayooonaise!" Shinpachi lets out a girlie screech as Gintoki pushes past Kagura and rushes himself and Shinpachi out of the building. "Gin-San, what the heck was that!" Gintoki looks out at the street, "I don't know, but I don't think Kagura was the only one infected."