A Gintama Fanfic

Mayonnaise Past Its Expiration Date Will Give You Indigestion Pt. 4

"Hijikata Bastard!!" All three stand up and make a run for it. Kisa feels something grab her sleeve and pull her back. "Kyah! Someone help me." Sougo nuzzles his face against her cheek. "Eep! Someone please help me! He's going to lift my mask up!" Hijikata pulls Kisa away from Sougo's grasp and picks her up, "Sorry Sougo, but we have to go." "My god, you're like a Mayonnaise Prince." "Shaddup!" The three run off, Sougo clenches his fist, "Hijikata Bastard!"
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"Whew! We made it and I got a workout in the process." Kisa puffs her cheeks, "I'm not heavy, you jerk!" Gintoki snickers, "It's all that pudding she eats. Maybe you should lay off it, Kisa." "That's rich coming from someone who eats seven parfaits in one day!" "I have a blood sugar problem, can't help it." "Eating seven isn't going to help with it either!" "Stop fighting or I'll have you two commit Sepukku! We need to find a safe place to hide!" Kisa wriggles out of his arms and lands on her feet, "Let's go to the library!" Hijikata and Gintoki both look at her in confusion, "The.." "Library?" Kisa lets out a huge sigh and she starts walking away, "Yeah the library! And then I'll be able to call this number on the back of the Mayonnaise Bottle." "Woah when did you get that?" "When I was looking through the trash." Hijikata pats her head and smiles, "Good job!" "I already know I did a good job so stop treating me like a kid!" They get to the library and uses the chairs to block the doors. "Alright while I take care of this, you two go distract yourselves." "With what?" Kisa rubs her temples, "There's a manga section over there and in the cooking section there's a book about mayonnaise." Hijikata walks off to find the book and Gintoki wanders off to read some manga. Kisa flips open her phone and dials the number. "Hello, thank you for calling Happy Mayo Hotline. If you're trying to give us feedback about our product press 1. If you got a bottle that was punctured or opened press 2. If you or your loved one has eaten old mayonnaise and now started a zombie apocalypse, please press 3." Kisa immediately presses 3. "We'll dispatch you to someone who can help." Kisa teeters back and forth as music plays on the other end of the phone. "Hello! How can we help you?" "Um yes... Two year old mayonnaise and Mayonnaise Zombies.." "Ah we understand, what we need you to do is gather all the infected in one area. After you do that, shoot a flare gun and we'll pour the antidote over the infected." "Understood! Thank you very much!" Kisa hangs up her phone and sighs, "Hey guys! I found the way to fix all this. Just let me get some stuff before we go!" Kisa goes into a back room and brings out three outfits and a flare gun. "What the hell are the outfits for?" Kisa smiles, "We need a team outfit! So I found these costumes back there!" Hijikata picks one of them up and grimaces, "Why does this look highly uncomfortable." "Cuz the shirt is skin tight! And the pants fit snuggly on your legs and butt!" Gintoki sighs, "It looks like a black latex suit! Why does the library even have this?" "Reasons.... Just put them on!" Hijikata and Gintoki hesitantly put their outfits on. Kisa heads to the bathroom to put hers on. She comes out and laughs, "Haha! We look awesome!" Gintoki looks at himself and groans, "We look like sexy assassins. Well at least I do, I don't know about him though." Kisa tilts her head, "You don't think it suits Hijikata? I think it suits him perfectly well." Hijikata grits his teeth, "Why are we wearing these?" "It's a punishment." "How is it a punishment!" "Something for Hijikata. And if we match, it'll embarrass him even more." "It's more embarrassing for me to match with that Mayo Freak!" "Punishment for everyone! Just deal with it!" Hijikata sighs, "Fine what's the plan?" "Well we need some megaphones. We have to attract the zombies into one area and then I'll shoot off the flare gun. And once that is done, they'll pour the antidote on the zombies." Gintoki rolls up a magazine and talks into it, "Sounds like a plan!" "That's a perfect volume!" Kisa puts the flare gun in the side of her belt. "I'm ready! Hijikata? Gintoki?" Hijikata rolls up a magazine, "Ready." Gintoki nods his head, "I'm ready." "Then let's go!"
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"So we didn't think this through did we?" Kisa looks at the zombies below them and chuckles, "No we did not..." Hijikata lights a cigarette and takes a drag, "They're going to push the truck over...." "Guys if you don't mind, I'm going to let some anger out." Gintoki and Hijikata nods. Kisa takes a deep breath, "DAMN ZOMBIES AND YOUR STUPID MAYONNAISE OBSESSION! STUPID SOUGO! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO STAY HUMAN!! IDIOT! Hah hah hah...." Kisa wipes her forehead and smiles, "Okay, I'm fine now." Hijikata looks at their surroundings and nods in approval, "She just attracted more of their attention... Now our plan will work!" More and more zombies gather around the truck, which causes it to rock even more. Kisa pulls out the flare gun and smiles. "On the count of three, Kisa." "Okay!" Hijikata yells into the rolled up magazine, "ONE!" Gintoki is next, "TWO!" Kisa points the gun in the air, "THREE!!" She shoots the flare and falls onto her butt due to the rocking. Suddenly a ship flies over them dropping a clear liquid over them. It showers over all of them making Gintoki sneeze. "ACHOO! Ugh this smells horrible!" "Ewww it's making me feel all sticky!" "This isn't making these outfits feel any better... And my cigarette is wet.." "But look! Everyone is turning back to normal!" All the zombies are now returning back to normal even the Shinsengumi officers who have been infected longer. Without their knowledge Sougo, Kagura, Shinpachi and Kondo were right next to the truck. "Toshi that outfit suits you well." "Hijikata have you finally accepted your inner masochist?" "Gin-Chan, Kisa, you guys look awesome!" "Gin-San, Kisa-San, why those outfits?" "I think I look good! I mean the shorts are a bit short and tight but hey, my chest looks awesome!" Gintoki and Hijikata jump off the truck, landing on their feet. Kisa sits on the edge, "Come on. Jump down, I'll catch you." Kisa looks down and sees Sougo sticking his arms up. She pushes herself off and Sougo easily catches her. Kisa smiles as she wraps her arms around him, "What happened to coming back human?" "I ran into some technical difficulties while fighting China." "That's fine, but now you're going to have to make up for it." "I can think of one way." Sougo tightens his grip on her and starts walking off. "Eep! Where are we going?" "To outer space." Kisa's face flushed bright red, "Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!"
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"Toshi.... Sougo is growing up isn't he?" Hijikata takes a drag of his new cigarette, "He's growing up to be a pervert...." "He'll make a perfect man in the future." "That poor girl has to deal with his crap." Kondo pats Hijikata's back, "Now it's your turn to find some love!" "If it's going to make me obsessive like Sougo then, no thank you." "Love makes us do crazy things, Toshi.... Love makes us do crazy things."