5sos Blurb Book #4

177. lashton

there's pictures of him right in front of luke's face but it only helped a little, cracking broken small smiles with teary blue eyes and shaking fingers that reached out to touch his face, wishing that it was him and not photo paper from polaroids or that cheap shit he had bought when he discovered a printer on the tour bus.
it hurt, so bad.
hazel eyes didn't look as bright in photos as they did when they were skimming luke's face with a small crinkle in the corner from his smile — his smile; it never looked as bright either, the feel of it pressed into kisses was the only thing luke could flood his brain with before he left because he just knew the pictures wouldn't do him any justice.
it hurt, so bad.
how his bright smile was gone and replaced by a wobbling bottom lip when luke whispered his goodbyes and i love yous at the airport — how his hazel eyes were full of tears and pain that luke had caused and that luke couldn't do anything but wipe them away.
promise you won't forget about me?
baby, how could i?
he wasn't lying through that weak smile.
he couldn't forget ashton, not even if he wanted to.
how could luke forget soft touches and small giggles and honey curls and everything that ashton was — how could he?
he didn't. he never did.
even when his throat bobbed and burned because he needed to swallow but he couldn't, not when flicking blue eyes stared up and shaky fingers brushed ashton's face on the ceiling of his bunk, taped there with silver duct tape that michael and calum used for pieces on their guitars or for labeling take out boxes, not when he had to stop his sniffles so the boys wouldn't hear him late as night.
but here he was again, crying, like every night, wanting to call to hear his voice but he already did three times today and ashton did too, six calls but more than six i love yous and more than six i miss yous tying their tongues.
he smiled at the polaroid above him, how his own profile was laughing but ashton was smiling at him, head on his left shoulder and looking at him with glittery eyes — he remembered when michael took it of them, how it looked straight out of a movie because the fire in front of them was creating an orange glow against their skin, reflecting their happiness and luke had always wanted to frame it by itself.
but tacky tape would do for now.
but his canines came down on his bottom lip when his eyes filled and his smile fell a bit, tapping his finger against the soft material that was ashton's sweater laid across his torso. he thread his fingers through the holes in it, just like how he always did to ashton when he wore it, sneaking cold fingertips through to feel his bare back when he fell asleep on his lap in the middle of cold winters.
but he didn't feel a bare back, he felt the other side of the sweater, because nothing filled the sweater — it was empty, just like luke's chest as of right now.
why do you get sad as i do when you're on tour?
because i leave my heart with you when i'm gone.
it wasn't enough.
he didn't want this every time the sun set in an unknown place, a lonely bunk with breaking shakes while every night his own best friends giggled below him in the one they shared, because they had each other as they whispered and luke didn't have ashton, just pictures on letters with a sweater that smelled like the flowery detergent he always loved to use.
he wanted ashton, to kiss his face and hear his squeals or to feel how he curled into his chest when they went to sleep and he wanted ashton's voice in his ear and his hands playing with luke's hair when he had a crummy day.
'luke?' the curtain on his bunk was peeked open and luke quickly wiped his eyes at michael's voice, clearing his throat when it was fully drawn. 'are you okay, mate?' he asked softly, putting a hand on his arm and luke nodded with a quivering smile. 'yeah. i'm fine.' michael bit his lip and sighed 'you miss ash, don't you?'
luke's head rolled to look at the ceiling again before he nodded, letting a tear fall. 'so much.'
'mate, it's um, me and calum were gonna go get dinner because it's only 7, but, d'you want to come? get out for a bit?'
luke looked at michael's hopeful green eyes and small smile, just wanting to erase the hope and pity off his face. but he shook his head and michael bit his lip, nodding, watching as he looked at ashton's sweater draped across him. he leaned over to peck his forehead and luke blinked. 'it'll be okay bud, you'll see him soon.'
so luke nodded and looked at michael with sad blue eyes and murmured a thank you, shutting the curtain slowly as he walked away, his fingers still shaking.
luke sighed and looked up, eyes wandering to the letter he had sent a while ago, and reread it, his mouth forming the words that he read, knew, memorized, and when he was close to breaking completely he grabbed his laptop, flipping it open and searching for ashton's name on his contact list.
it rang, once, twice, three times, four, five, so on and with every stutter of ring luke shook a bit more.
'you woke me up.'
it came out as a whine but luke smiled at the noise filling his headphones and at ashton's sleepy face, wrapped in white duvet with pillow lines on his cheek as his eyes blinked with long eyelashes.
'hi, baby.'
''s nine in the morning.' he frowned 'you never call this early.' he whined.
'j-just..wanted to hear your voice.' he whispered, cheek falling into his palm as he stared at him in awe.
ashton smiled sleepily and giggled 'you're adorable.'
'you are.'
'no, you are.'
'shush and let me win.'
ashton giggled softly, luke watching how his eyes crinkled and squinted.
'i miss you.' he whispered, eyes filling again but he smiled, biting his bottom lip and ashton grinned.
'miss you too lukey, don't cry though.'
'can't help it.' he smiled and let tears fall down his cheeks, and ashton smiled and shifted a bit.
'we'll see each other soon yeah? how many days?'
'63.' he whispered, sighing.
'63 days, that's all.'
'63 too many.' he chuckled.
but all ashton did was smile and his eyes lit.
'oh yeah, i have a surprise for you.'
'do you?'
'yeah, i told michael to put it in the back room.'
'but that requires moving.' he whined, frowning and ashton rolled his eyes with a fond smile.
'just go get it.'
'fine.' he mumbled, grinning, but opening the curtain and slipping out and murmuring a be right back, walking all the way down the bus and pressing the button as he rubbed his eye.
'hey, sleepy head.'
honey curls and a small giggle and luke's eyes widened because of the small boy who covered the couch in white blankets.
'miss me?'
luke had never smiled so big as he ran towards him.