5sos Blurb Book #4

179. cashton

it was another late night and calum blew out another candle on the table with another series of tears falling down his cheeks.
another, that's all it was.
another bunch of missed calls and texts before the usual i can't make it baby, i'm so sorry xx, another hopeful light in calum's eyes diminishing like it had always been lately. it was just another time in which ashton missed a plan, stood him up, and calum didn't want this anymore, no matter how much he loved him.
he thought he deserved better, not four weeks in a row of being stood up for most things, and it's not that ashton didn't love him, he did, he was just so busy and it was so hard but calum still thought he deserved more than an empty chair and cold food on the table and empty replies and sorries.
he was lonelier now than he was before being with ashton.
and it wasn't like he wanted to break up, break the 4 years they've had together, but it just hurt so bad and calum's small slump in mind didn't help and he didn't want this, at least not right now.
so he sat at the table in silence instead of heading up to bed like normal, not wanting to feel ashton slip behind him in the covers and murmur an apology against his ear, no, he stayed downstairs and he didn't care how tired ash would be, they needed to talk about this.
and it was midnight when he came in with a sigh, plopping his keys down in the bowl at the door and kicking off his shoes, hanging up his coat and pleading to god he could leave his guilt with it as he walked away into the kitchen.
he didn't expect to see calum in a ball on the chair.
'hey, baby.' he kissed his hair from behind him and calum hid his sniffle 'why're you up so late, little love?' he murmured, kissing his temple and calum shrugged sadly with a mumble. 'wanted to wait for you.'
'ah.' he whispered, turning to head towards the refrigerator to pull out the usual plate that was there and unwrapping the plastic, placing it in the microwave as he grabbed a mug for tea.
'ash?' his back was still facing him as he squeezed his eyes closed and his heart pounded.
'yeah?'
'i'm leaving you tomorrow.'
the mug shattered on the tile and calum winced, looking over his shoulder to see shattered white pieces around ashton's feet, his eyes wide.
'w-what?'
'i'm lea--'
'i know what you said.' he whispered, walking over to him and sitting, turning the chair to face him and take his hands. 'why are you leaving me?'
'not for forever,' he whispered ''m just gonna stay with mali for a little while.'
'w-why? what can i do how can i fix this--'
'you can't.'
ashton's eyes were teary as they blinked at calum to try to see his face. 'baby--'
'ashton, please.'
'calum--'
'no--'
'tell me what's wrong--'
'ash, when's the last time you ate dinner with me?' he blurted and ashton fell silent, his mouth agape as he shook his head as calum pinned him with watery eyes. 'o-or texted me back during the day or--' he sniffed and shook his head 'i can't even remember the last time you said you loved me--'
'i love you with all my being.' he whispered, panic eating at his stomach and calum shook his head.
'you don't show it anymore.'
and that was all it took for the dial of panic in ashton's heart to crank all the way to desperation.
'no, baby, please, i know i suck — i know i do but i can be better i swear--'
'ash, it's okay--'
'it is absolutely not okay.' his tear streamed down his cheeks. 'you're hurt and you're neglected and it's all my fault, calum, that isn't okay — and it isn't okay that you want to leave me.'
calum slipped his hand out of ashton's shaking fingers and played with them on top of his knees, 'we can't fix this right now, ash, we need space to realize what we can-- if we can fix this.'
ashton shook his head and let out a choked sob, breaking into more of them and calum winced.
'calum.' he croaked, reaching for his hands again 'please.'
but calum shook his head and stood up, walking to the stairs to pack, because if he stayed the night and left tomorrow he wouldn't leave.

'i need control of my hours.' ashton blurted as he came through the door of the office, and his manager looked at him with surprised eyes. luke and michael smiled because they heard this plan over the phone last night between ashton's broken cries.
'um, ashton--'
'no.' he glared at him. 'you, listen to me.' their manager raised his eyebrows as ashton placed his hands on his desk, leaning forward to get closer to his face. 'i just possibly lost the best thing i've ever fucking had because of you, how we had to come in early or stay late to finish this and finish that — bullshit, either i get control of my hours or i'm done here.' he glared at his unimpressed eyes and locked his jaw, clicking it back and forth.
their manager laughed, 'ashton, i've known you for years and there is no way you're being serious right now.'
ashton swiped half of his shit off his desk and he glared at him. 'does it look like i'm kidding?'
luke and michael smirked fully.
'oh you've got a lot of nerve kid.' he stood up and went to the same position as ashton, challenging him.
'maybe i fucking do.'
'after everything i've gotten this band to?'
'what got us here is fucking youtube--'
'i can replace you in one goddamn second, irwin--'
'let's all calm down just a little.' luke pulled ashton back a bit and looked at their manager. 'either he gets control of his hours or we're all done.'

ashton liked having his own planner.
and with 3 days a week instead of 6 from 10-7 instead of god knows, that was enough for calum to jump into his arms giggling and for ashton to bury his nose into his neck and murmur the i love you that calum was missing.
there would never be another mistake like that again.