5sos Blurb Book #4

180. mashton

he called ashton angel but ashton didn't deserve it.

there was no way in hell ashton irwin was an angel, a being of good and happiness and purity when his soul and mind and actions were darker than anyone knew.
not even michael.
he didn't get why he was still there, why he still cared, why he was trusted with michael and his life and he didn't get it at all. he was always dark to some degree, filling both of them to the brim with sadness and empty silence that left, at least ashton, scared that michael would walk out the door like he thought he always would — because even though he should leave, ashton didn't want him to — because ashton was a dark person with chipped edges and a bruised mind and it brought tears to his eyes that michael had nightmares about him leaving, leaving the world and becoming a real angel, even though ashton knows that if that were to happen even then he wouldn't be an angel.

'ash?'
'mm.' his hum was low in his throat as he still stared at the floor with teary eyes and he flinched at michael's hand on his shoulder.
'why do you want this to do this? i know you really don't.'
just the way his fingers slightly caressed his shoulder as it laid there made ashton's stomach flutter, still, after so many years.
'because you need better.' he whispered, still not looking at him, afraid he'd crumble at those big green eyes and change his mind.
'i can't get any better than you.'
ashton shook his head at that, closing his eyes as his curls bounced with his movement. 'you can, mike, and you will if we do this.'
'we're not breaking up ashton — y-you, do you not love me anymore?'
that's when ashton turned his face and looked at him, his lip slipping into his mouth and between his teeth at michael's wide eyes blinking at him.
'you know i love you with everything i have.'
'so stay, we can work this out, y-you're just in a slump and it will pass soon and--'
'i don't think so, mike--'
'i know so.'
he slid closer to him and grabbed his hand in both of his 'i know so, i really do, i know you'll be okay, you just have to let me help you.'
'you can't help me, michael.' he snapped in a whisper but then he sighed, mumbling a sorry as his hand came up to his eyes because — he was always so fucking rude to him at times like this, snapping at him and--oh god michael just needed someone better than this, t-this--
this, this excuse of a person.
michael sighed and rested his chin on his shoulder, one of his hands rubbing the inside of his bicep and ashton looked back at the floor.
'then let's get you help, babe.' he whispered, petting his hair and ashton sniffed, his knees bouncing a bit 'taking you away from us won't solve anything.'
'b-but you need somebody better--'
'i don't want anyone else, ash.' he shook his head and ashton watched his tears drip to the floor. 'i only want you, and i know this sounds selfish but i know you only want me.'
'i do only want you.' he mumbled.
'exactly, so why take that away?' he kissed his temple and ashton let the tears fall, his leg thrusting out to kick the suitcase by his feet and break into small cries.
'stop stop.' he whispered softly, sliding onto his lap and cupping his face, wiping his under eyes as he cried. 'ash, please.'
''m just sorry.' he sobbed and he would usually be touching michael by now, holding his waist or cupping his cheeks but his arms were limp on his thighs, forearms up and exposing everything he hated yet couldn't stop doing. ''m sorry that i'm like this, mike, i don't want you with someone like me — hurting and breaking a-and..suicidal at this point--'
'ash, stop.' he whispered, shaking his head as he picked up his forearms and held them in his hands, staring down on them with him. ''m not going to kiss them and say that they're beautiful because they aren't, we both know that.' he whispered. 'but you see, every red mark here is every time you hurt not only yourself, you hurt me too.'
'i know.' he sobbed 'that's why i have to go, michael.'
'you aren't leaving, you're going to stay here and i'm going to help you get better.'
''m scared.' his head fell on michael's chest and the younger boy sighed, kissing his hair and frowning.
''m not, because i know you'll be okay.'

the first time ashton went to the hospital with a suitcase and teary eyes, he watched michael pin a poster on the plain white wall, one that read a quote that ashton had never believed.
everything will be okay in the end, if it's not okay, then it's not the end.
and michael sat on his lap again and tugged his head to his chest to pet his hair.

but his smile slowly grew and his eyes gained their light back, michael in front of him every day like he promised he would be.

and ashton realized it would be okay.