Forever & Always [ J.G | C.D ]

63- Carly

The waiting room was dead-silent. My mom gazed out like a zombie starring lifelessly at the far wall. You could see the fear in her puffy tear stained face. The paralyzing hurt spread through my body like icy, liquid metal. My English teacher last year was a very kind old British lady, with a strong intellectual mind. She enjoyed my time most among the other students. I'd stay after hours to just listen to her English accent embed wisdom into my head. In my current situation I found myself thinking back to something she always used to say.

"There is nothing to fear but fear itself, yet in our world that isn't true. Many things are worse than fear. The truth, for me, in those words are a warning that fear can change who we are inside, make us compromise where we should stand firm. Is our love for one another only in our "anthems" or do we mean it? Would we feed the hungry? Would we home the homeless? If not, why not? What do we fear that keeps us from being the angels of our better natures? Who puts that fear in our hearts and minds?"

And right now my mind couldn't stop thinking of the crippling fear of what was to happen next. Nurses shuffled past the empty waiting room in a hurry feared of being asked updates on patients. An elderly lady sat across from me and my mom in one of the white uncomfortable hospital chairs. The familiar smell of death lingered in my nostrils. I don't believe a hospital is somewhere someone should spend the last of their days. But I wasn't afraid of what awaited my grandmother... In all honestly I believe she has lived a long and happy life and she lived her life a free and loved woman. And no doubt about it she would be on her way to her one true love. It was my mother I feared the worst for-- She doesn't deal with death lightly. When her father died, she was locked away in her walk in closet for days with a bottle of bourbon in hand. It was hard for all of us to recover from seeing her like that. She had always had a good front on appearing as the perfect mother without emotional problems when it came to her children. But ofter her cries used to wake us in the middle of the night. It wasn't completely shocking what my father had done to her. It was obvious the love was gone long ago. But in my own selfish mind it was a burden I didn't want to carry, just another secret to hide from my loved ones.

"Mom," Nash's familiar voice cried out frantically.

"Here," I called back.

My eyes scanned over to my mother; My hand slid into her hand squeezing tightly.

"Everything will be fine," I whispered softly.

Three tall figured boys shuffled into the small white waiting room they all looked grief stricken. Nash, Hayes, and Cameron sat down quickly asking many question of what happened. My mother filled them in as much as she could with what little information she had. From what the doctors have told us, is that she fell and hit her head and has been unconscious since. They are doing CT scans, MRI, and PET scan. They had her in a stable position and was just about to let us go in and see her three hours ago, but an emergency lobectomy due to failed breathing. My head was clouded- All I could think about was being in Jack's arms. Does that make me a bad person? Cameron was right in front of me. Starring down at his phone, his chiseled jaw clenched as he concentrated on something in the small device in his hand. He didn't seem angry merely confused, he looked up from his phone slowly. His brown eyes glossy. He glanced at me for a few seconds before retreating out of the small confining space. Nash nudged his head at me beckoning me to go after him.

"Cam?" I cooed, finally catching up to the fast boy, "What's wrong."

"I can't do this my beautiful Lily-" he paused embracing me into his arms, " I can't bare watching you and your family in so much pain... I'm upset because I can't even hold you and comfort you because you are still with another guy."

"Cam..." My voice begged for him to stop.

"You are my everything. You are my bell'angelo," He placed a strand of my hair between his fingers and leaned in close, "I just want to be here for you."

"You can be. Just not in public for right now," I didn't even recognize my own voice. It was cold.

He had just called me his beautiful angel in Italian and he I was being a heartless bitch saying we couldn't be a public thing.

"Oh. Okay," Cam mumbled out sadly.

"Jack is coming tonight. I can't jeopardize him finding out this way. You need to understand where I am coming from there are paparazzi everywhere Cameron. I shouldn't even be alone with you right now."

"Well I mean it's true but it doesn't make it any less painful," he hissed out.

"I'm sorry," I cooed, gently giving him a small peck, "I need to get back now."

"Ya..." He breathed, his hazel eyes still glued to the floor.

He stepped back shaking his head slightly, "I'm just gonna go."

My heart ached watching him walk away, his head lowers and his hands shoved into his hoodie pockets. He was the love of my life and my bell'angelo... And I was always going to be his. But this love affair is not ready to surface. I needed Jack more than I have ever needed anyone right now. And the only person I could think of was him. I know this makes me a horrible person. But I did care for Jack too. I don't want things to end with him thinking of me as just another cheating girlfriend. My heart was torn in two.

"What do you do when you hearts in two placed? You feel great but you're torn inside. You feel love but you just can't embrace it. When you found the right one at the wrong time," I mumbled the god awful lyrics to myself.