Forever & Always [ J.G | C.D ]

66- Cameron

'I'm sorry.'
My mind imagined her pail lips whispering those haunting words to me... I don't know what I am supposed to do. I know I overreacted. But isn't that in my nature? I love her. And she's only half there. With Jack back, things aren't going to go well. How am I supposed to comfort her and be there for her? I can't be her fucking friend right now. Every word stung only fueling the fire that burned inside of me. Every violated phrase was like gasoline to it, my fists began to clench and my jaw rooted. When the final mento had been added to the coke inside of me I exploded with anger, with no control. My hands clawed for anything they could get their hands on. Throw and repeat.

By the time I was done my bedroom looked as if it had been a target for a catastrophe. Heartbreak was definitely one of the worst feelings I have ever known. She was my the only person who made me a good person. It was true I had a shitty personality but when I was with her. She made me who I have always wanted to be. And I am so terrified-- No I am fucking scared shitless she is going to choose Jack over me. He is clearly the safe option. He can give her everything she wants. And I was just the exciting bad boy who would fuck her while her boyfriend was miles away. My heart sank at the words in my heart. Carly wasn't a whore... She loved me too. Things were just complicated...

My fists clutched the steering wheel tightly-- I needed to get over myself and be there for Carly and her family. They have always been my everything. Elizabeth has always been more than a mother to me. Using my left hand I brought it up to my face brushing my fingers through my sand colored hair. A dreary sigh escaping my lips. Could things be a more fucked up? I'm having a secret affair with my best friends girlfriend, Elizabeth and Chad are separating, and the worlds most amazing women was in the hospital dying. I didn't even know this amount of fucked up shit could happen all at once. And that is coming from me the fucked up asshole. I parked my car a block away from the hospital the smell already overfilling me with grief. It's like when you walk into a vet and it's that distinct smell of piss and bleach. The way it is a tormenting reminder that as a child you held your favorite animal crying as the veterinarian put them to sleep. It's strange how a person's mind works, like a filing cabinet labeling things and locking them away.

The elevator dinged releasing me onto the 5th floor-- Carly's familiar cries were heard distinctly. Oh god did the old women croak? I hurried around the corner.

"I love you," her broken voice cried out.

This heartbreak felt cold. It feels like concrete drying in my chest. This heartbreak was unexpected, as they always are - top of the world one minute and cut down the next. Why is that? Is there part of you that dislikes seeing me happy when you are miserable? You do know it is you I am trying to help, right? It is you I work so hard for? Perhaps this is your way of returning to the feelings you are most comfortable with, your chance to dwell in pain and pessimism once more.

"Darling, I love you too," Jack whispered back.

Then he kissed her-- and she kissed him back. She grasped onto him tightly. Pain and anger flooded my body. I just starred there internal screaming. Frozen in heartache, why was I still watching? Why was I tormenting myself this way? I thought she loved me. I thought she was mine and I was hers. Then she looked up at me... With those irresistibly blue eyes. And my heart broke even more. She looked like a deer in headlights. The sick bastard looked at me and back at her, he grabbed her face and kissed her again. My lungs felt like they had collapsed and my vision became blurry with tears. God, why was this affecting me so much it's not like me and her are even together? I rushed past the couple and escaped into the men's washroom, my body collapsing on the floor. My love stained the floor. It ran from my mouth and choked on the air. It bled from my ears and dripped from my chin. My head lowered, heavy with the thoughts of her. Bent over the floor, I let everything out.