An Outlet: Part 4

22 June, 2018.

So today I had an interesting conversation with our receptionist today.

Since the company's product is distributed in school, we started comparing students from different schools we have come across. The receptionist was apparently a teacher in a convent school before and she does not have good reviews of those students even though they would listen to her (apparently she was very strict).

According to her, these students were spoilt brats born with a silver spoon. Because of this they have developed a very arrogant attitude and are incapable of valuing things. Since they have been brought up in English medium school, they look down on those who only speak in Hindi or regional languages. Forget school, I have come across such people in my college so I could totally understand where she is coming from. 

She praised me tho. She knows I am from a good family background and I have studied in, theoretically, one of the best kinds of school and colleges yet I am humble. And I totally agree.

I had never had a deep conversation with anyone I met in office so this one felt nice.

My office is a pretty chilled place where people tend to pull each other's legs more often than not. I am being very self aware when I say that I am trying to my best to do my work, given that I am the only intern working on this project. So at one point, when Boss Y mocked me for being inefficient, I just left the place. I didn't really show that I'm angry tho. I had my usual expressionless face. 

When I went back to my seat, I immediately got a call from Boss Y apologizing for implying that I am inefficient. That was very strange. I had never expected this boss out of everyone to apologize to me, even though Boss H had asked him to do so. A couple of days ago, Boss H had come up to me and kinda sorta confirmed that I get awkward in front of strangers. All this got me thinking, how do these people know that I have self-esteem issues? There is only one source.

I asked Kristen whether she had discussed me with any of the bosses and she told me that one day Boss H had asked her whether I think I have low self confidence and she had agreed to it. Boss R also had a brief conversation with her on this topic when he realized in my interview itself that I am awkward with strangers. 

Kristen had only confirmed Boss R and Boss H's thoughts but this means that despite my efforts, I had unconsciously let my body language show that I am under confident. This should not be happening. I can feel that I am gaining confidence and I don't want anyone to praise me just because they think I need those compliments to boost my self esteem. Yes, I am very harsh on myself. But this is also why I am in a constant mission of not being so self conscious.

I really don't know if I should take their compliments seriously or not..