Keep Yourself Alive - Roger Taylor

47

"I'm so sorry"

The words were ringing through my mind every second. The three lads tried to break my attention, but it definitely wasn't working.

I'm so sorry.

My head continued to nod backwards and forwards, still processing the news that I had just been told. Still picturing the blood that stained my underwear and the shocked expression on the nurses face.

I'm so sorry.

Roger had tears in his eyes too. It must be serious. Roger only cries at serious things. When they try to sooth me I don't even react, and eventually they all just stare at my broken face.

I'm so sorry.

It should be me saying that. I'm so sorry to my baby. The baby that is no longer living. The baby that I should have been holding in nine months. The baby that Roger wanted to call Porsche and we all laughed at him. I would do anything to have Porsche back.

Im so sorry.

I'm so sorry because it's my fault. I wasn't careful enough, and as much as the nurses told me it was common in the first month I couldn't help but feel the guilt.

Suddenly, Roger snapped me out of my trance by locking his saddened eyes with mine. We were happy an hour ago.

"I'm so sorry" He said sadly, and caressed my cheek with his hand.

It made sense when he said it. He is feeling what I am right now. The nurse, she says it, then washes her hands and goes for dinner. We live with it. We deal with it.

I placed my hand over his and leaned my head down on his shoulder.

"My baby" I cried.

"I know" He was crying too, not as much as me but I could tell that he was.

My tears stained his white shirt, leaving a pool of damp fabric on his shoulder, the same on mine.

"Let's get home" he mumbled, helping me up and guiding me out.

Brian and John have left, probably because I needed to be alone right now, we both did.

Everything was blurry, even the drive home. None of us spoke, and the only audible noise was the faint humming of the turned down radio and my infrequent sniffles.

"It all happened so quickly" I croaked, my voice hoarse from crying.

"I know, love" He sighed, resting his hand on my thigh soothingly.

"What happens now?" I said sadly.

"I don't know. I don't fucking know" He said, anger laced in his voice.

"I'm sorry, Roger. I know how excited you were for this baby and I'm so sorry that I ruined it" I sobbed, wiping away the tears with my pulled down sleeve.

"This is not your fault okay? It's common. However, that doesn't mean it's any easier to deal with. Take your time, I won't be going to the studio for a few days" He said, rubbing his thumb over my skin.

"Okay" I said, my words raspy.

"I love you, Rose" he murmured sorrowfully.

"I love you more, Roger" I sniffled.

The rest of the drive home consisted of me staring at the blurry street lights as they whizzed past my eyes, and Roger gripping the steering wheel angrily until his knuckles lost their circulation.

The whole day has been a whirlwind of emotions. Losing Freddie, losing my baby. How do I carry on now? Can I carry on? Will I be that depressed housewife that cleans things to make herself busy because she doesn't want to leave the house? Will Roger leave me because I'm all depressed and lethargic? All I could do was hope and pray that none of these things happen, and that I am better and back to my normal self as soon as possible.

We rolled back into the driveway and when we entered the house it felt alien to me. However, Roger brought me back to life when his arms wrapped around my waist and he kissed my neck lovingly. I turned around and kissed him passionately, wanting to forget the whole ordeal for even four seconds if I could. It was him that stopped however, leaving a kiss on my forehead and slumping off to bed. I followed quickly and got changed before jumping into bed, Roger coming in a few moments later.

He scooped me up in his arms, intertwining his legs between each of mine and pushing the hair from my neck softly with his fingers.

"I love you, Rose. This family will work one day, but we will take always remember our little bean" He sighed sadly into my ear.

"We will" I nodded, looking down at my pyjama-covered stomach.

He pushed his hands up my top, rubbing the skin on my stomach soothingly, and I placed another hand over his. My fingers interlocked with his as he clutched mine tightly.

Our breathing ended up being synchronised, and when I heard the faint sounds of Rogers snores I knew that he was fast asleep.

I wanted to stay as strong as I could around the blond drummer, as I can tell that he is trying around me. However, for now we need to be completely honest with each other and express how we feel. If not I will end up being that sad and depressed housewife that I dread so much.

I stared down at my stomach in despair. I used to look down and picture myself getting larger and larger day by day. Roger and I got so excited when we started to see a difference in my size, but that was all for nothing now.

"I'm so sorry" I whispered down.