It Will End In A Kiss

Stubbornness and Pride

(ROBIN)

I hate having panic attacks. I hate having panic attacks and having someone witnessing it happening. I hate having panic attacks and giving my uncle things to be worried about. I hate having panic attacks and then coming home to sleep in my well lit room.

I hate everything at this point.

I hate this well lit room. I hate all the lights in it. Hate is such a strong word but it's actually quite tame to what I am feeling right now about myself and this room.

Uncle Zane supervised while I did my bathroom routine of washing myself with a wet towel, brushing my teeth and changing to my sleepwears.

When it was over, he even helped me to get on my bed. How pathetic is that?

"Are you sure you don't want me to stay here with you?" He asked again, giving me chances to change my mind.

Do I want my uncle to stay with me? Sure...I could think of only one scenario that could be better than my uncle staying with me tonight.

It's if Blu will come and sleep in my bed with me while the lights in my room are off and the door of my room is closed tight.

But that will not happen tonight. It will take a special kind of miracle for Blu to decide to come here in my room and help me sleep like a normal person.

"No, Uncle. I want to be alone tonight." I said. I always said that line to ease my uncle's guilt. I know he wants to make everything well and perfect for me but it's not possible so instead of letting him stay and feel pity for his damaged nephew, I'd rather my Uncle Zane leave so I can stew on my weakness alone.

Uncle Zane stared at me. I sighed and lean my back on the headboard of my bed. I am sitting on it instead of laying down. I feel like if I lie down on it, the bed will swallow me and I will drown on it.

I decided that it's better to sit up and just focus on breathing.

"Try to sleep, Robin. Just...rest. It's okay now. You are at home now, and it's not dark anymore." Uncle said.

I nodded and put great efforts to smile for him. "Thank you, Uncle."

Uncle Zane nodded and he left my room. Making sure to leave the door a bit ajar.

Once alone, I felt tears pricked my eyes. I cursed myself silently.

I don't want to cry. That's...too much for me. I already feel weak. I already feel hopeless. If I will also cry, I think it's better that I just go up to the rooftop of this building and throw myself off it. Just killing myself...

But I know that's not an option because of many reasons. One, I want to live. Two, my uncle wants me to live. Three...Blu is just nearby. Blu is also going through a lot. Blu fucking lost his parents and is staying in a new place with three strangers yet he is living on, doing his best everyday to be brave and kind to people.

Meanwhile, I have issues with darkness. That's fucked up. Compare my issues to Blu's situation, mine is laughable.

So what is wrong with me? What's my right to cry? Fuck this shit! I am messed up!

Anger for myself made my tears retract on my tearducts. Disaster averted, I concetrated my efforts to breath slowly to calm myself.