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Prologue: Leaving Home

Daddy has one hand on the steering wheel and the other in his lap. I sit in the passenger seat staring out the window. My eyes following the trees as we pass them. 

"Why do you want to live with her?" Daddy asked breaking the silence between us, glancing at me then turning his attention back to the road.

I turned to face him. Meeting his eyes then quickly turning away. I could feel my face turning red. I didn't even know the answer to that question myself let alone an answer worthy of comforting Daddy. Maybe it was because of Momma's words or the guilt she made me feel when I would return to Daddy's house.

My mind running in various directions, but Daddy's confused stare brought me back to reality. He is still wanting on an answer. I just want everything to be over.

"Me and her are uhhhh...alike." I replied repeating the words Momma used, but the words didn't sound right coming from my lips. I could feel my throat and mouth drying.

"What do you mean alike?" he said. His face cringing in disgusted as he turned his attention back to the road.

Panic setting in. I quickly looked away from Daddy and down at my folded hands. I didn't know what I was saying. I didn't know what I should say. I couldn't tell Daddy the truth. Momma needed me. That I felt bad that I wasn't there for her. That I had promised Momma that I would move in with her to sooth not only her but my own guilt.

"Just...like...I don't know." I stuttered. My face burning. I could feel Daddy's eyes on me, still waiting for a decent answer to a question that was impossible to answer aloud.

My hands begin shaking. My stomach twisting into knots making me want to vomit. I want Daddy to let it go. To just accept it at face value and carry on, but I know he won't. I want everything to be calm and not as tense between us.

The car turns into the parking lot of the old movie theater. I could see Momma's car before we even parked. Daddy pulled the car next to hers. I had never been so happy to get out of a car. The tension between Daddy and I was becoming so unbearable I thought I wouldn't have made it much longer.

Before he had time to turn off the ignition, I had unbuckled my seat belt and jumped out of the seat. I could hardly contain myself. 

"Momma!" I called rushing in to her arms.

"Hey! How you doing baby?" Momma said smiling down at me. I forced a smile and gazed up at her.

"I'm good." Momma patted my shoulder and released me. I proceeded to the trunk of Daddy's car. I opened the trunk and began taking my bags out and placing them on the ground next to me. Momma and Daddy talking in the background but so soft that I can't make out what their saying.

This is what I'm supposed to do right? This is the right thing. What I'm supposed to do?

"Raven," Momma called interrupting my thoughts. I moved my head so that I could see her.

"Come on. Let's go," she said motioning towards the car. I picked up my things off the asphalt and carried them to the back of the trunk. 

"Give your Daddy a hug and let's go," Momma said waving towards Daddy. Momma opened the driver's side door and climbed into the seat without another word.

I returned to Daddy's car and closed the trunk then looked up at Daddy leaning against the passenger side door. A sad look on his face. I slowly moved towards him, forcing another smile. Something I had been doing a lot today. I wrapped my arms around him and placed my head against his chest.

"I love you sweetheart," Daddy says kissing my hair. I closed my eyes and squeezed him tighter. My stomach knotting inside. 

"Love you too daddy." I closed my eyes tighter fighting the urge to cry. Wishing I had never gotten out of bed this morning.

Daddy patted me on the shoulder and released me. I gently pushed myself away and looked up to see him wiping a tear away from his eye. 

"Bye daddy," I said moving away from him and towards the passenger seat. I watched as Daddy climbed into hiscar. I heard the car start and watched as he drove off in the oppositedirection of us.

"This is gonna be great," Momma exclaimed starting the car and buckling her seat belt. I turned my attention to Momma. Another fake smile plastered on my face.

"I'm so glad you're cumin' home," Momma smiled pulling out of the parking lot. I nodded. 

"Me too." I turned my attention once again out the window. Wishing I had stayed in bed. Wishing today had never happened.

I continued to gaze out her window. The scenery changing from my quiet hometown to her new one. The trailer coming into view after a long awkward car ride. 

"Well, we're home," Momma states attempting to break the silence between us. I smile solemnly, something I found herself doing a lot of lately.

Momma turned the car off and unbuckled her seat belt. I did the same and opened my door. I then made my way to the trunk of the car. Momma made her way into the house. Making no attempt to help me. As soon as she was out of sight, my smile vanished. I was after all only smiling for her.

I gathered as much as I could carry and made my way inside. Past the living room. Straight ahead through the kitchen. I turned left passing another living area before I reached my bedroom. I paused for a moment letting it all sink in. My hands letting go of the bags and allowing them to drop to the floor before I opened the door. This was real. This was really happening.

I had done it. I was now living with Momma and Matt,my step dad. I turned the door knob slowly. The door opening with a creak. I quietly made her way into the room. Kicking my stuff inside then sitting on my bed.

"What have I done?" I whispered to herself. The guilt of leaving Daddy welling inside me and falling down my cheeks in salty droplets. Daddy's face was the only thing on my mind. His saddened heartbroken face.

I folded my hands together and placed them to my face. 

"I'm sorry," I whispered. "I'm so sorry." I cried, more tears falling onto my jeans and hands. "What have I done?"