PINK RIBBONS

92

"so maybe i did resent you" flow told him. breaking the silence that had settled upon them for the past hour or so. "but it wasn't like i wanted to. it wasn't like i just woke up one morning and decided that i did. as time progressed i just became more and more angry not necessarily at the baby because she had nothing to do with what was happening with us. but i was just angry with the situation and how i was feeling inside" flow confessed 

"i really honestly thought that i would be okay with it because i had reasoned with myself a long time ago and said that it made no sense to hold a grudge towards this child because what happened was not her fault. and for a while i was okay. but when she was born and you were getting up in the middle of the night and leaving at all these hours my thoughts just got the best of me. and then out of no where these insecurities i never knew i had was eating away at me" 

"my mind begun to wander to places that it never did through out the entire ordeal. i kept thinking that what if she uses this opportunity to get close to you once again as she now had this bond with you. something i had no control over. something physical" flow told him using her hand to signify the physical being of isabella 

"and it went from thinking that she was using this to get back with you or rather to get back at me. and even though it may not have been the case it seemed as if it was because you were running at her beck and call at all hours of the night. while i was at home alone with two babies and even though when you came back you did help out it still didn't make a difference to me because i felt like you should have been there for them around the clock. that they should not be sharing their father." 

"that i shouldn't have to be sharing you and as much as i sound so selfish i feel like i had every right to feel the way i did because i was there with you first. I was by your side when you were at your worst. that i had been there for you through everything that i could be, yet it was like i was steady losing. like no matter the fact that i handled the situation with grace while she acted an ass she still came out with the upper hand. she still was in our lives. and it pained me to have to look that bitch in the eye and act like shit was all cool and good, try to be cordial to her acting with grace and dignity all the while i was a mess inside." 

"that shit hurt more than you could ever imagine. and though you apologized for messing with her a long time ago and i did forgive you i couldn't forget because day in day out it was some shit with her. and all i kept thinking was i am going to have to deal with this bitch for the next twenty some odd years. that long after the dust had settled and years had passed since you fucked around with her we were still going to be in each other's lives. and i didn't want want that. i felt like i deserved better than that. i deserved to have you whole like you had me" flow told him wiping a tear 

"as a result of me thinking that i begun to have second thoughts about marrying you about being with you. day in day out i found myself questioning whether or not i could do this shit. if i had it in me to wake up every morning to this situation. to us. the rift that was between us. if i could continue to pretend like everything was all right like you were doing." 

"for the first time ever in my life i was doubting my own strength. i was doubting myself. something i never did before." flow cried " i found myself walking out on my kids like i was some crazy bitch. i found myself doing the thing i swore i would never do as a result of this one mistake you made. and that made me realize how dependent i had become on you. how in need i was of you.

how i was becoming like my mother

" she croaked her voice cracking as tears consumed her