Wanderlust Heart (18+)

33

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It's been three months since I've been in the hospital. Which means it's been three months since I murdered my dad in the hospital room. In case you were wondering, yes, I feel guilty. Yes, the memory haunts me in my dreams. Yes, Matteo and Stefan cleaned up the mess. No, I haven't talked to either one of them since.

I was discharged about three days after the incident and I've kept myself busy. Despite how much money Stefan and I own, I applied to a part-time job so I wouldn't have to face Matteo.

I've saved up enough money from the job to leave. I know what you're thinking; what do you mean leave? It's a simple answer really, I mean just that. I mean I pack my bags and get the heck out of dodge. My wound has healed nicely, I'm healthy again, I've basically forced everyone to stop talking to me.

I've gotten all of my ducks in a row except leaving itself. Which I will follow through with tonight. Now I know your next question; why are you leaving?! That's a more... complex answer. The gist of it is because I don't like who I am anymore. I blame myself. I told myself I didn't have time for a relationship, yet I jumped right into one anyways because of my impulsiveness and lack of self control.

I didn't want to love anyone because I was still grieving Savannah, because of my dad, because I had the need to travel with my brother to escape my dreams of Savannah.

But since I decided to fall in love anyway, look at what's happened. I jumped out of character and bashed Diamond's head in for accusing me of liking her boyfriend. I was almost swooped up into a huge tornado because I left with Matteo to Tennessee. There was no reason for me to go with him. I could've cleared my head right in California, but I think a part of me wanted to go with him.

My best friend, Milo, was shot by my lunatic kingpin mother right in front of me. Then I was held at gunpoint and almost died by her and her companion because I just had to go to Tennessee with Matteo. Then I was hunted by vengeful cartel members because Matteo killed said lunatic mother. Then we came back and I was shot because someone wanted to spite Matteo.

Then I killed my own dad. I hated him but I hate myself even more for taking a person's life. Savannah wouldn't have wanted me to kill him. She would tell me to turn the other cheek because she was a peace-maker. I wanted to be like her but now I'm the opposite because I couldn't just simply control my rage.

So I'm leaving to find myself. I'm leaving Stefan behind because he deserves better. Because he's happy with Willow and I don't want to be the end of that.

I'm leaving Benny and Gino behind because they found love in one another and I hope they thrive in it.

And then there's Matteo, who I'm also leaving behind. And he's going to hurt the worst. Because I'm truly, deeply, madly in love with him but I also love myself. I need to find myself. Find my inner peace. Find the thing that overrides my rage.

And it's travel.

Travel fills my soul with so much happiness and peace. Different places, different sights to see.

But how do I break it to everyone? And how do I break it to Matteo? Should I even tell them? I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't think I'm going to tell anyone. I think the better option would be for me to leave quietly. I sighed as I walked into the house from my late shift at the diner downtown. I kicked my shoes off into the corner and untucked my polo navy-blue shirt from my khaki jeans. I grabbed the hair-tie from my hair and let my hair finally flow free from the painfully tight ponytail it's been in all day.

I walked into the kitchen and grabbed a water bottle, immediately spotting Benny cooking. My eyes widened and I turned around immediately so I wouldn't have to engage in conversation. I left the room quietly with my water bottle and physically ran into what felt like a boulder. I stepped back and realized it was Stefan. He looked down at me and nodded at me before entering the kitchen.

I think I traumatized him with killing dad and I wouldn't be surprised if he never spoke to me again. I would never speak to me again. I walked up the stairs as tears beaded in my eyes, my chest physically hurting at the thought of Stefan resenting me. I never thought our relationship would come to this but at least I'm leaving tonight and no one will have to worry about me.

I walked into my bedroom, closing the door shut and leaning my back against it as I sobbed into my hands. I heard someone clear their throat so my head snapped up and I noticed Matteo sitting on my bed. I immediately wiped my tears and smoothened out my shirt before standing at my bed, "Yes?"

His jaw ticked and he kicked my suitcases out from under my bed, looking at me expectantly.

"Going somewhere?"

I could hear the venom lacing his words and I swallowed the hard lump forming in my throat, "Yes."

"And you weren't going to say goodbye?" He stood up, his hands in the pockets of his slacks. I bit my lip, guilt causing my stomach to ache and I looked down at my feet, "No..."

"You owed me that much!" He yelled and I flinched from his tone as I looked back up at him, but he continued, "I put everything on the line for you! All of my businesses, my morals, my rules! I was never supposed to get serious with anyone! I was supposed to focus on my work!"

"How is that even fair? I never asked you to do that, Matteo," I said angrily that he's throwing this in my face and he shrugged as he chuckled and turned around, "Maybe not. But you leaving without saying goodbye? After ignoring me for three months? That's what isn't fair. But if you want to leave then go. Fuck it."

"Matteo, it isn't like that-"

He cut me off as he turned around and looked me dead in the eyes, causing a shiver to go down my back.

"Isn't it? I fell in love with you. I gave you everything. I gave you my love, my time, my home. I gave you all of me. My heart, my body, my soul. I gave you your space to deal with what happened to Alfonzo. I thought you were resilient. That you'd bounce back stronger than ever. But you're not resilient. You're a goddamned coward," he gritted through his teeth and I felt my heart palpitating. I am livid.

"I'm a coward?! For wanting to find myself? For wanting to reinvent myself after becoming a crazy madman who kills her father out of split-second rage?!" I screamed in his face after I marched towards him and his eyes never left mine, his chest rising and falling murderously fast from his own rage.

"Yes. You are a coward. You can reinvent yourself surrounded by people who care about you but apparently, we aren't good enough for you! You seek everything that is safe but goddammit, Samantha, safe isn't love! Everything about love is not safe! Love is fucking terrifying and sometimes you might lose yourself but that's why when people love you, they help you find yourself. But since you're a fucking coward, run. Run for the fucking hills and find safety in your own arms. I hope you find what you're looking for because it isn't here. The people who care for you deserve so much better," he spat and before I realized what I was doing, my hand was coming across his face.

The sound echoed from the walls in my room and my lips slightly parted in shock. His jaw ticked and he looked at me angrily, "Get the fuck out of my house and don't come back. Find your fucking safety."

And then he stormed out of the room.