"And where exactly are you headed to? Surely not to pick a fight with whoever hit your brother... right?"
I felt my face heat up from the accurate accusation and shook my head slowly.
"N-No-"
"Your first words to me are lies?" He clicked his tongue...
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I sighed as I walked alongside the shore with my sandals in my hands. Stefan was walking with me, music playing from his phone. The breeze was picking up, blowing my long hair in front of my face and my long summer skirt blowing forwards as well.
"I know you don't want to talk about it, but you know you can come to me whenever you need to, right?" Stefan asked as he kicked around the sand with his bare feet. I smiled softly and nodded up at him, "I know."
"And you know we can pick up and leave any time you want, right? There are still plenty of places we haven't traveled to if you want to get out of that house, or we can move out and get a house by ourselves if you don't want to be there-"
"Stef, I'm gonna be okay. I promise. I just need time," I said as the water from the ocean splashed around our feet, the coldness from the breeze and the water making me shiver slightly. But it at least I felt it. I felt how cold it was against my feet and I felt the goosebumps cascade my body.
I felt the breeze whipping my hair around my face. I felt the sheer fabric of my skirt against the back of my legs. I felt Stefan's arm around my shoulders and I felt the ache in my chest from Matteo's absence.
"We should get back, it's starting to look bad," Stefan said as he looked up at the dark clouds and I nodded as we continued walking along the shore towards the house.
People at the beach were packing up their belongings and gathering their friends and family to go home. A storm was brewing in the clouds, planning to rain down on us any second. But I didn't care. I need it to rain so that I know I'm not the only one feeling empty.
"Go ahead. I'll catch up in a minute," I said and he looked at me, studying my face before he nodded and jogged away. I breathed in deeply as I looked out at the water. There were only a few stragglers left on the beach and even they were packing up to leave.
I watched in the distance as the waves started to ride bigger with the held of the storm. I dropped my shoes to the sand as I began to walk towards the ocean, walking into the water. It was freezing, but I need to feel it. I need to feel things because I can't speak about how I feel numb.
I felt the cold water against the calves of my legs, sometimes it splashed against my knees. The bottom of my skirt soaked against it and I wrapped my bare arms around my torso in a comforting way as I stared at the dark blue water. It's funny how little things remind me of Matteo now that he's gone. How I took the little things for granted.
How now that the storm is getting closer and I see lightning cracking in the distance along with the low rumbling sound of thunder, it reminds me of when Matteo took Milo and me to Tennessee. How the storm escalated and he saved us from a near-death sentence by the tornado.
How the water around my feet reminds me of when he swam with me at the Muraka in the Maldives.
How this numb feeling I'm witnessing right now reminds me of when Milo died and Matteo took care of me, made me feel whole again. How he sang me to sleep when I was sad and didn't judge me for anything.
Or maybe that if he was here right now, none of this would be happening. It might not even be storming if he was here. Maybe the universe is reflecting off of my numbness and projecting this storm to show everyone what a terribly, terribly awful day this is.
Maybe.
I walked further in the water so now the water was at my hips. Before I could walk any further, I heard a masculine voice shout from shore, "Hey! You! Don't walk any further!"
I cocked my head to see a man running with his surfboard. My eyebrows met in confusion before a rip current grabbed my body by the wave, and pulled me out into the deep water. I was submerged in ice-cold, deep water, unable to catch my breath. I swam like hell to get to the surface. I grabbed a big breath before a huge wave rolled over the top of me, submerging me once again. I inhaled water on accident, screaming for help as I bopped above water and below water, helplessly.
"I'm coming to help!" I heard the same voice yell out in the far distance. I sobbed, terrified, before yet another wave forced me underwater and something inside of me snapped.
I decided to stop fighting.
I stopped fighting the current and I stopped fighting the ominous waves that kept forcing me above and below the surface. I stopped screaming for help and trying to swim. I let the waves take me as I began to lose air. Oxygen started slipping out of my lungs with every second that passes by and I don't care.
I welcome the feeling of the reflex of my body to grab air, but only to meet water instead. That only means that darkness is coming soon.
The gaping hole in my heart where Milo, Savannah, and Matteo once lied is finally going to go away once the darkness takes over. I will no longer hurt over their absences. I will no longer hurt over not being able to see them anymore. I will no longer hurt over the fact that I can't talk to them or hold them anymore.
