A Little Calm...

Image Behind The Cracks

Make You Feel My Love - Adele

You're lying on the bed in one of Bucky's shirts whilst he gets changed. You lean on your arm as he sits down, doing up his laces. Trying to be as gentle as possible, you kneel behind him to stroke his shoulders and trace them with kisses before resting your chin on one side.

Y/n
"Are you sure you're okay?"

He crosses one hand across his chest and places it on yours after finishing the last lace.

Bucky
"I just checked in with Sam and he said he's heading back today. Whatever this is, it's not as simple as he thought so he wants to regroup and talk about next movements."

You manoeuvre so that you're sitting next to him.

Y/n
"That doesn't answer my question."

You look at him with concern, and he looks at you like he's deep in thought.
Before he speaks, he looks down at your hands as he fiddles with your fingers.

Bucky
"I'm just tired of fighting."

Finally, you're getting somewhere with him. He's always been so closed off, so some honesty is all you want.

Y/n
"Then why do you keep saying yes to it? You don't have to go with Sam you know, I'm sure he can manage."

He interrupts you before he can say anymore.

Bucky
"No he can't."

He looks at you like he's debating on whether to continue. Eventually he looks away again and takes a deep breath.

Bucky
"The serum. I can't just ignore it. I didn't ask for it but I have to live with it. And if I can use it to help people, rather than hurt them, then I will."

You don't want to push him but it feels like he's finally letting you in a bit more, so you continue to reassure him.

Y/n
"Bucky you don't owe anyone anything. If you want to help then that's good, and you can. But that doesn't have to be by constantly putting yourself at risk. There are other ways of using it for good."

He takes another silent but deep breath before raising your hand and kissing it.

Bucky
"I gotta go, I'll be back in an hour or two."

With that, he gets up and walks out. You don't try and stop him, knowing that it's best not to push him into opening up.
Instead you sit for a while, thinking through it.
He used to have such a regular life, and whilst fighting in a war (through no fault of his own might I add) he got caught up in this constant battle for survival. Brainwashed and used as an assassin, regular torture, robbed of his memories, on the run for years, framed for crimes he didn't commit, the list just doesn't stop. He's been out of control of his own life for so long, and you're only just realising he still feels that way. And there's not a damn thing you can do about it.