A Little Calm...

I Love You

Cloud - Elias

You spend the next couple of hours working. Just responding to emails, writing jobs into your schedule etc. When you hear him come back through the front door, you immediately get up and lean on the door frame as he makes himself at home.

Y/n
"Hey, how'd it go?"

He barely even looks at you as he peels his jacket off.

Bucky
"It didn't, I told Sam I couldn't make it."

You're now wondering what he's been doing for the past 2 hours.

Y/n
"Right, okay..."

Still not really looking at you, he walks over and pulls you into a tight squeeze. It's the most desperate hug he's ever given you, like he didn't see you literally that same day.

Y/n
"Hey, what's wrong?"

You gently stroke his back as he just stands there saying nothing. After a while, he pulls away and looks at you whilst holding the sides of your neck.

Bucky
"I need to to tell you something."

You don't say anything, you just nod and guide him over to the sofa. Sitting down ready to listen, you notice his closed off body language as he leans forward with his elbows resting on his knees, twiddling his fingers.

Bucky
"After everyone was back, and I was pardoned, one of the conditions was that I attend therapy sessions until I was deemed mentally stable. That got cut short when Walker pulled me out of it and then the whole flag-smasher thing happened and, I just avoided ever going back."

You try to make him feel less intimidated by looking at the ground in front of you, rather than staring at him.

Bucky
"I get these nightmares. I usually sleep on the floor next to the bed once you're asleep so I don't wake you. When you didn't say anything after I woke up in the hospital, I assumed that you weren't there when I had one."

You can tell he's starting to get a little timid, so you try to reassure him.

Y/n
"I was there. I just thought you'd been through a lot that day so..."

You place a hand on his thigh to comfort him. After a second, he returns to what he was saying.

Bucky
"I get them most nights, it's usually the same flashes of things I did when I was in Hydra. People I hurt..."

Grow As We Go - Ben Platt

He pauses briefly so you place your other hand on his shoulder and move closer so that he knows you're not going anywhere.

Bucky
"I know I'm not him anymore. I'm not a killer. But I also feel like I have to make up for what he did. I had a list of names, of the people I harmed or loved ones of people I killed. Even some people who used me as the asset. I went through them all, trying to turn them in or apologise to them. Whatever I could to 'make amends'. Eventually I realised that instead of making up for things in the past, I had to make them feel better, give them closure. I finished the list whilst you were in hospital."

You get a little confused now, not knowing what he is so nervous about telling you.

Bucky
"As much as I don't want to admit it, there's a part of him still in me. He doesn't have the same triggers, which somehow makes it worse. No matter how hard I try... he's always going to have some control over me."

You can hear him starting to get choked up. You've never seen him this emotional.

Bucky
"As much as I want peace, me helping Sam and staying on the right side of the fight is my way of keeping him at bay. I thought, I don't know... I thought that if I could feel like I was doing the right thing, doing more than what was expected... the nightmares would stop."

He can't stop the tears anymore as they roll down his cheeks. You kneel in front of him on the floor and wipe away his tears.

Y/n
"I won't pretend like everything is going to be okay, or I that can magically fix anything. But the way I see it, the only thing that will make the nightmares go away is if you stop trying to do what you think is right, and start doing what makes you happy. Not as the Avenger, or Sergeant Barnes or 'The White Wolf'. Or the ex Winter Soldier. But as Bucky. The guy who likes dancing and old movies. The guy who refused to not walk me to my door after our first date. The guy who I am completely in love with."

He looks up at you through the tears he's still trying to stop. He doesn't need to say it back, especially if he doesn't feel it. You're not saying it to make him feel better, or because you think it'll fix anything. But because he needs to know that no matter what, you're going to be there when he needs you.