Beyond Control

Chapter 7

~*Wei Wuxian's POV*~

Even though Lan Zhan had confessed to me, and I accepted his feelings, I needed time to adjust to them. I have been going through a lot and him confessing to me was very unexpected. It made me happy though. It let me know that Lan Zhan was not upset with me, he did not hate me like everyone else had told me. Lan Zhan said he loves me. I want to get more out of him. Though, I needed to settle in first.

I stood outside the door to the Jingshi for a good minute or two before Lan Zhan caught my attention. He was concerned as to why I had not come in yet. I was nervous of course. This man just confessed to me and now I am staying under his roof. I took a deep breath and stepped inside. There was a second bed brought here just for me. It was a few feet apart from Lan Zhan's bed.

Lan Zhan then led me to a wardrobe and opened it. It was empty, "this is yours," he told me.

I nodded, "okay."

He then pointed over to my bed, "there is a sword stand for you and a stand for Chenqing," he said.

"Thank you," I said, "are you sure you're okay with me here with you?"

He replied with a nod, "Mnn."

I let out a sigh and nodded in return. I placed Suibian in the stand and Chenqing on its own as well. I then hung up the few robes that I brought with me.

"Can I ask you something?" I asked.

"Wei Ying can ask me anything he wants," he said.

***

~*Lan Xichen's POV*~

I decided to go and check the boys to see if A'Xian was settling in okay. When I reached the door, I heard something I was not expecting. I know eavesdropping is forbidden but, this was a special case.

"I want to know what you think of this. Are you upset about what I did?" Wuxian asked.

"Not upset," Wangji told him, "Jiang Wanyin should know but it is not my place to tell."

"Let me ask you, would you want to know if someone else's core was inside of you?" I heard Wuxian ask, "knowing that with that person's core, would you feel like your accomplishments were actually your own or the person who gave you that core?"

There was a moment of silence but then I heard Wangji speak, "would want to know, that way I can pay it forward and make sure the sacrifice they made was worth it...has Jiang Wanyin even noticed you are lacking?"

...

"Has he been kinder to you?" Wangji asked.

...

"Is he even grateful for the things you have done for him? The things he knows you did for him?" Wangji asked more.

Wei Wuxian spoke, "he never voiced out how he feels. That is just his character. He is like his mother in that aspect."

Wangji then asked, "If Wanyin knew, would he still treat you this way?"

"I don't know," Wuxian said, "Lan Zhan, before your brother found me in Yunmeng, I was contemplating on killing myself. Thinking the world would be a better place without me. No one would miss me...I thought if I destroyed the amulet and that would kill me, no one could find my body."

I could hear pain in my brother's voice, "will find a way to destroy it without you dying...I will miss you if you die. So please don't die."

I have not ever heard my brother beg like that before. It aches my heart just hearing Wangji saying that. I didn't know just how far in the dark Wei Wuxian really was.

I then heard Wei Wuxian sob, "Lan Zhan, I will if you help me. I feel so alone, Lan Zhan."

"You are not. I am here," Wangji said.

I took a couple of steps back from the door and took a couple of deep breaths. I needed to act as if I didn't hear anything...or maybe if they bring it up, I can try to talk to them. I then stepped back up to the door and knocked.

"Xiongzhang," Wangji greeted after opening the door.

"May I?" I asked.

Wangji stepped aside for me to come inside. Wuxian was sitting at the table with a tea cup in his hand. I could see his eyes were red from crying.

"Is everything okay?" I asked.

"Wei Ying?" Wangji asked him.

"Xichen-Ge," Wuxian said, "I feel so broken."

I moved to sit down at the table and sat down to his right side, "it will take time to recover from all of this," I told him, "just know, you are not alone here. You have Wangji, you have me, and you have our Uncle," I told him.

"Did I do the right things?" He asked, "I find myself thinking back sometimes. What would happen if I did some things differently?"

"Some things are hard to say whether the right thing was right or wrong. Some things are just beyond our control. It is hard to do, but dwelling on it won't help you get past it," I told him.

"How did you guys manage to get me to talk when no one else could? Why did you guys notice something wrong? My Shidi didn't...I don't know if my Shijie has either," he asked.

"We look at the smaller details," I told him, "I'm good at reading eyes. As Wangji doesn't speak much but I know what he may think or feel by just his eyes. I saw that in your eyes...I saw discomfort and pain. I saw something that you wanted to hide....and what I saw to you back at the tavern...I owe you an apology."

"Why?" He asked.

"Talking about how your actions affect others...and being self-centered," I said, "I am sorry for saying such things. You are actually the most selfless man I have ever met."

"It's okay," Wuxian said, "I am used to words at this point. I get told so many of them...I just choose to ignore them."

"For the most part," I said, "but I know those words bother you. I know you don't like being called ill- bred and arrogant for not carrying a sword. I know you don't like when people judge you for your methods when all you are trying to do is protect those you care about."

"Thank you," Wuxian said, "it means a lot that you both are helping me."

"Of course," I said, "and as much as I don't mind chatting, the healers want you to rest for a few days. Minimal movement if necessary."

"That's so boring!" Wuxian whined.

"I can get some books from the library to keep you occupied," I said standing, "normally we aren't allowed to take them out, but we will make an exception for you."

"I guess that's fine," he said, "oh, my stuff at the inn in Yunmeng?"

"I have someone gathering them for you. I told them to be respectful to them as they are important," I said.

"Thank you," he said.

"I will let you two be then," I said and then left.