Beyond Control

Chapter 107

((Sensitive themes in this chapter. Contents include themes of mental health, self-harm, and talks of suicide. Please read with caution))
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Wei Wuxian could see the disappointment in Lan Xichen's face when he returned to Cloud Recesses after he snuck out. He could tell the Lan Xichen was going to reprimand him on that at some point, but he didn't want to hear it. He didn't want to hear the disappointment in Lan Xichen's voice. He felt that he did something terrible to Lan Xichen and he did not know how to fix it. He felt himself pretending that he was okay around Lan Xichen. He was okay around Lan Wangji now, but he was back to being unsure of how he was with Xichen again.

Wangji left before Wuxian from the Jingshi as Xichen wanted to speak with him for a moment. Wuxian said he'd meet Wangji where the bunnies were. Wangji gave him a kiss before leaving the Jingshi and went to meet with Xichen. Wei Wuxian stood there for a moment deciding what he should do. He felt like he was no longer trusted by Lan Xichen. He knelt down beside the table in the Jingshi. He put his elbows on the table and then his face into his hands. Tears began to fall from his eyes.

Wuxian took a moment to calm down before leaving the Jingshi and went back to where the rabbits were. Wuxian stopped somewhere between the walk from the Jingshi to the rabbits and found a small hidden area behind a group of trees and bushes. He stepped into that space and placed a small privacy barrier over himself. He knelt down and called up thorn like vines from the ground.

The vines snaked around Wuxian's limbs and slipped into his robes. They twisted and tangled around him, restricting him, tightening around his body under his command. The thorns dug into his skin, creating lesions, cuts, bruises. Marks being left behind looked as if he was tied up and beaten. He was using his own spiritual power to harm his body. To keep Wangji from knowing, he blocked the connection between them.

The vines secured themselves nicely around Wuxian as he stood up. He removed the barrier and went back by the rabbits as he said he would be. The vines tightened and dug further into his skin as he commanded them to. The pain felt good. It has been a long time since he experienced any. He felt he deserved it as he hurt Wangji and Xichen by leaving when he did.

The problem now was, if Wangji found out about this, he'd be furious. Wuxian felt alone again. He wanted to know that he had people by his side, but right now, he did not know. He knew he worked things out with Wangji but with this self-harm with the vines, he had created a new problem. Wei Wuxian, for the first time in a long time, wanted death more than anything right now.

Wuxian sat there with the rabbits and let them hop over and around him. His mind was numb and empty. It felt as if hundreds of burning hot needles were poking into his skin, the feeling of rope burns, and several places were numb. He could sense people coming and knew it was Wangji and his brother. Before the two came into view, Wuxian ordered the vines around his body to disappear. His black robes hid the blood from his body for a while. He knew that Wangji would soon find out.

Wuxian watched Wangji sit down beside him and pulled him into his lap and kissed the side of his head. Wuxian knew sitting here was a problem, as blood would soon be seeping out of his robes. As he sat there, he caught a glimpse of Xichen smiling at the two of them. Seeing Xichen's smile made Wuxian's heart warm up slightly, but then his mind was slowly moving towards a panic attack. Before Xichen could sit down with them, Wuxian climbed off of Wangji's lap and stepped away from them by a few feet. Wangji stood up with a worried look on his face.

"Wangji, are you bleeding somewhere?" Xichen asked him.

There was blood all over Wangji's pristine white robes. Wangji looked down and then saw blood everywhere, even on his hands. However, the blood was not his. Wangji shook his head and looked towards his husband. Wangji saw the panic building in Wuxian's eyes. He immediately wanted to go to him and help him calm down. He wanted to know where his husband was bleeding and why. He wanted to help him and make sure he was okay.

"A'Xian, are you okay?" Xichen asked him as he tried to take a step closer to him.

"Do not come near me!" Wuxian told him.

Wuxian felt his spiritual energy grow due to pain and adrenaline. Vines started to grow out of the ground and cage Wuxian in to keep Wangji and Xichen away from him.

"Wei Ying, what is wrong?" Wangji asked.

"You do not care," Wuxian said, "neither of you do. You are still mad at me for leaving. That is way you spoke with each other without me."

"We are not mad," Xichen told him.

"I do not believe you!" Wuxian snapped, "I am tired! Xichen! I am very tired again," Wuxian lowered the vines and removed his robes, leaving him in his trousers and letting Wangji and Xichen see why he was bleeding, "this is where the blood is coming from. Are you happy? I am at my lowest point again. I ruined everything! I hurt you so I hurt myself. I even want to die more than ever."

"Wei Ying, please do not say things like that," Wangji told him, "I love you more than anything, and I do not wish to see you like this. To see you in so much pain that you resort to going back to your old ways. I am so sorry. Please do not leave me, Wei Ying. Please let me help you. I need you, and you need me."

Wuxian shook his head, "I hurt you both, I cannot forgive myself."

"A'Xian," Xichen said calmly and got Wuxian too look at him, "do you remember when I first saw you back in Yunmeng? How I managed to gain your trust so you can open up to me and allow me to help you. It allowed you and Wangji to work on your relationship, and you a family because of that. I was upset that you left like that, but I remembered how much I care for you and how much I want you to live and thrive here. I remember how amazing of a person you are and smart you are. There are so many people who would miss you, if you were no longer with us. So please, let us help you."

"If you want to know what I spoke to Wangji about, I wanted to know how you both were doing. I wanted to speak with him about getting you more involved and comfortable here in Cloud Recesses," Xichen continued to speak with Wuxian, "we have been discussing so much about that."

Wei Wuxian started to calm down. The vines eased back into the ground and he then fell to his knees, "I'm sorry," Wuxian cried, "I'm so sorry. Please do not send me away."

"It is alright, We could never send you away," Xichen said as he knelt beside Wuxian, "now, would you let us get you to the infirmary? You need medical attention."

Wuxian shook his head, "no," he said shrinking into himself.

Wangji knelt down on the other side of Wuxian, "let us go back to the Jingshi and Huan-Ge can get Wen Qing. She can look at your wounds."

Wuxian shook his head again but felt faint. He started to sway as he sat there on his knees. Wangji carefully picked up Wuxian and decided to take him home. Lan Xichen agreed to have Wen Qing and Wen Ning tend to his wounds.

Lan Xichen had a lot of work to do, to helping Wuxian again. Wuxian was broken again. It all started because of this war, and now it caused this dispute and misunderstanding. Lan Xichen wanted to make things right with Wuxian again. He had to start, by taking things slow. As Jiang Yanli had given him the recipe to her soup, Xichen decided that was the first step towards making it right.