Stray Kids | Sickfics

Blues | Chan

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a/n:

-tw: depressive thoughts, swearing

-requested by KittyLoveDream

-hope you'll like it!

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Chan's pov

Winter. God, how I hated winter.

It was dark, it was cold and it felt endless.

Coldness I didn't only feel from outside, but also inside. That coldness that didn't want to leave, no matter what I tried.

Even at work, even at our practices, even when being around the people I love, the coldness never leaves. It's sickening, hurting and destroying me.

I try to hide it from my members, I try to function as a leader and as a friend but I don't know for how long I can keep this up.

...

I sighed as I stared at the old greyish ceiling of my bedroom.

Suddenly the door opened, revealing an excited Felix, who had a big smile on his face. And I felt really envious. Why can't I just be happy in the mornings or generally?

"Good morning hyung, are you still in bed? Remember we wanted to have breakfast alltogether! Minho hyung is already preparing something in the kitchen", he exclaimed while opening the curtains and letting the sun shine into my room.

I cleared my throat in order to not sound like I thought I would in my head. I didn't know if the others had noticed that my tone had become lower and more melancholic.

Because even talking required energy I didn't have.

"I'll be there shortly."

I watched as Felix gave me a nod and left the room without another word.

With another sigh I stood up and gathered some clothes to wear. While being in the bathroom, I couldn't even look into the mirror. I didn't want to look at myself. I knew I would feel disgusted and sad.

As I went downstairs I took a deep breath, trying to prepare myself for acting as if everything was okay. I didn't know if I had become good at it or not, I only knew that it worked somehow.

"Hey, Chan hyung is here! Can we start now?", Jisung almost shouted as he noticed me entering our living room.

I shortly smiled at him and looked at the dining table that was already nicely set. The others were slowly joining us and sat down on the table, already chatting about our upcoming performances.

I took a seat beside Seungmin, who was generally more quiet in the mornings so I thought I didn't have to talk that much.

I had no appetite, even though the food looked really good. Nevertheless I forced myself to eat at least some fruit so that the others wouldn't question anything. I had no energy to explain myself or to come up with an excuse. 

"Hyung?"

I snapped out of my thoughts and stared at Hyunjin, who looked at me while trying to suppress a laugh.

"I called you like three times, is everything okay?"

I noticed that the others were now looking at me, giving me unwanted attention. Now it was even more difficult to answer his question without breaking.

"I'm okay, what's up?"

"I just wanted to ask if we have anything on our schedule tomorrow", he replied with still a frown on his face.

"Uhm, no I...I don't think so", I said, my voice already cracking. What the fuck's going on?

The other conversations now fell completely silent. As if everyone knew that something wasn't right with me.

"Hyung is something wr-"

"I'm sorry", was the only thing I could say before standing up and leaving the room.

I didn't want them to see my tears that came out of nowhere. Why couldn't I control myself? There were all so happy but I had to destroy their mood. What leader even am I?

I shut the door behind me and just sunk onto the ground. I didn't care that it was cold, I just couldn't stand any longer.

Then I let everything out. Eveything I had suppressed, everything that's been building up inside me. I was such a wreck, I didn't even hear the door opening.

I flinched as I felt a hand on my shoulder, but I didn't shook it off.

"Channie", a soft voice said, belonging to Felix, way too sweet and kind than I deserved. He softly stroke over my shoulder and slowly pulled me into a much needed hug.

I nearly forgot how good it felt to get hugged. It was such a warm and comforting and healing feeling. And I never wanted to let go.

Felix didn't say anything, even after a few minutes. He just held me tightly and pulled me even closer as I started shaking. I felt so overwhelmed by my emotions as it had been so long since I've felt anything.

"You want to talk?", Felix asked after some time, without letting go of me.

"I j-just...can you stay here?"

"Of course. I'll stay with you for as long as you need me."

"And Chan?"

"It's okay not be okay all the time."

❆

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a/n:

-I'm sorry if it's too short. I know that there wasn't much happening, it was just a more comforting os for me.

-I love winter, but at the same time it's the most depressing time for me.

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-and if no one has told you, remember you are loved and wonderful. Stop thinking about what others might be thinking. Keep doing what you're doing. You've got this.

-I believe in you and I'm so proud of you.

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