Stray Kids | Sickfics

Changed | Han pt2

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a/n:

tw: grief, depression, suicidal thoughts, suicidal attempt

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Jisung's pov

It's been one week since I've returned to my old life being an idol but I cannot say that I'm any happier. Although I'm surrounded by people I love, I feel alone and depressed. I guess I can say that I'm depressed.

I think I figured it out that this isn't only sadness I'm experiencing. It's more than feeling sad. I feel like I'm not worthy living. I feel like everyone has moved on but I remain unchanged. I feel like a part of me has died with my father and the other part is just waiting for its turn.

I thought about if for a while. What if I die? What will happen after my death? Will I see my father?

I don't know how much longer I can endure life without him. Everyday is pain. It begins and ends with pain. Why bother waking up, why bother going to sleep with the knowing I'll wake up again. There's no peace. It's a neverending circle of pain and the only way out of it is death.

"Jisung? Are you listening?"

I turned to Minho who was looking at me worriedly. I must have zoned out again. It happens quite often lately. 

"I said you're doing the turn on the wrong side", Minho said while showing me the right movement. I watched and felt nothing. Normally, I would have been amazed, impressed, captivated by his dancing ability but now I really felt nothing.

"I'm sorry", I said. For being such an idiot who is unable to do the easiest.

Dancing isn't fun anymore. It is exhausting and tiring. Especially when you don't have the energy to do anything.

"No, you don't have to apologize. Let's do the whole dance one more time".

After a few hours of training I could finally return to our dorm. I knew that Minho would stay at the studio for a bit longer so I could have some time for myself. It's funny how I got so used to feeling lonely that I'm looking forward to being alone.

There's no one to disturb me from my thoughts. From my imagination. From my plans.

No one there to stop me.

Minho's pov

"Hyung, you have a minute?", I asked as I entered his room. He looked up from his desk, inviting me to sit down at his bed.

"It's about Jisung", I began but wasn't sure how to continue. The truth was that I was worried for my friend. He wasn't the Jisung I knew. He was behaving weird. He wasn't eating, wasn't talking, wasn't living.

"I think he needs help, Chan", I said straightforward, locking my eyes with his. He gave me a confused look before sitting down next to me.

"He isn't doing any better am I right?"

I shook my head, trying to swallow the lump that has formed in my throat. "He doesn't talk, eat or doing really anything and it concerns me. I tried talking to him but all he says is that he's fine. I don't know why he doesn't trust me". The last words were barely audible as I nearly whispered them.

I didn't want to cry, I haven't cried in so long and it was scaring me to know that Jisung makes me wanna cry. I was so worried for him. I wanted him to feel better but how can I if he doesn't talk to me. How can I help someone who isn't willing to getting helped.