Three ex-husbands and a marriage

Hiding the truth

His eyes were filled with uncertainty and longing, and I couldn't help but raise my eyebrows when I detected a hint of confusion and fear in those eyes. I knew he tried to conceal it when he smiled and gently brushed a stray strand of hair from my face. The smile didn't reach his eyes. It felt forced and inflicted a wound on my pride. Suddenly, the dull ache returned, one that I recognized as disappointment. I lowered my gaze and turned away from him.

"You should go," I whispered, my voice tinged with the urgency of my emotions. He needed to leave before he abandoned me again, before the pain of longing became too much to bear.

"I... I am sorry," he whispered back, barely audible.

He reached out hesitantly, but like a cornered kitten, I took a step backward, distancing myself from him and bracing myself defensively. The ache in my heart intensified. My pounding heart sent pinprick sensations down to my fingertips as my breathing became more suffocated. "Your presence is toxic. You always appear as a rock that I think I can cling to in this turbulent storm, but then you knowingly leave me to my fate," I continued, my words tumbling out in a rush of frustration and hurt.

"I..."

"I don't need your apologies. My logical brain knows that you must have your reasons. But, Xue Zhanglun, my heart hurts, and I cannot stand it." A sudden gust of wind swept through the night, unexpectedly chilling the already frosty atmosphere. It brought a refreshing wave that momentarily cleared my mind. I blinked, willing the tears that threatened to pool away. "I'm tired and scared. Do you know that?" I asked, staring at him, the unspoken words in my heart silently piling into an accusatory glare.

He sighed, closed his eyes, and did what my inner child wanted. He pulled me into his arms again and rested his chin on my head. When I half-heartedly pushed him away, he tightened his hold on me. "I know you're scared. I am sorry. I have always and will always be with you. Every time you were scared and hurt, I punished myself. I hate myself for my inability to change things."

"Then why must you hide the truth from me?" I pleaded, my voice quivering with frustration and desperation.

"I am sorry," he whispered and kissed my head, "I am really sorry."

I felt my body heat up with anger and the pain of betrayal. I had opened my heart to him and given him a glimpse into my mind, but he refused to speak more. "Is the truth that terrible?" I asked, my voice trembling, my resolve wavering. The truth was something I feared, but the unknown hurt even more.

His body stiffened as my heart pounded wildly. I spoke the words in my heart, the truth that I had denied. "Tell me the truth," I begged, my voice barely more than a whisper. I could hear his heart beating wildly, mirroring mine. The warmth of his body sheltered me from the chilly night, but my heart remained cold.

"I cannot. Whatever I say now will be meaningless. Until this is over, please, allow me to hold you and stay by your side," he implored, his voice cracking with emotion.

I rested my head against his chest and closed my eyes. The moisture that had blurred my vision pooled into small teardrops. His words confirmed my suspicions. "I see... Xue Zhanglun, whatever the truth is does not matter because right now, I cannot trust you," I said, my voice steady, my heart resolute. I meant every word. At this point in time, I couldn't trust him.

"I will gladly lay down my life for you. I need you to know that whatever the truth is, that was a thing of the past. We are paying the price for it. After this life, we can look towards the future," he pleaded, desperation lacing his words.

"The past defines our future. Xue Zhanglun, since you refuse to tell me the truth, there is no future between us," I said with a heavy heart.

"No... you do not mean that. We have endured so much... once you remember..."