Just Be Patient (Urban Story)

Chapter 42: I Forgive You (part 2)

Literally my blood was boiling. I was so pissed that she sent such a hateful letter. But hey Ms Brenda was still the same. I didn't wanna go down path of nightmares and depression. Not now not never. I need to vent and big time.
"Jason" I said going downstairs as he sat on the couch watching the game. Harley was on his lap as they laid across the sofa. Haley was on his chest as he held them both.
"What's up sexy" he said not taking his eyes off the TV
"I'm so mad I mean liter-" I said getting cut off by Harley
"Ma ma look look" she said showing me her pink nails Jason polished for her.
"I see baby. That's cute" I said barley looking. My mind was fixated on that letter. "But why did I-" I started to talk as Harley called me again.
"Ma ma see its tink!" She said trying to get my full attention. She knew when I was really listening to her.
"Harley mommy has to talk to daddy. So give me a minute okay" I said quickly dying to get my thoughts out.
"But ma ma" she said pullin at my hands. Idk what snapped in my head but I went off.
"Damn it Harley. I said wait!!" I yelled at her. She gave me this look as if I just crushed her entire world. She froze just staring at me as if I was a stranger. All of a sudden she burst out in tears crying hiding in Jason's chest.
"Omg what have I done" I said to myself. I never EVER yelled at them. Never! I always prided myself on how much I loved my girls and how much love I had for them. My heart broke in tiny pieces seeing her cry and knowing I caused it. I couldn't even move. I was embarrassed that I allowed something so ridiculous to get in the way of my love and compassion for my angel. She was my everything. I lived for her and I never wanted to make her cry.
"Princess it's okay mommy didn't mean to yell at you" Jason said to her kissing her forehead. He looked at me as if I lost my mind. Haley started to cry as well from the yelling as he cradled both of them.
"Okay stop crying babies. Daddy's right here" he said calming them down. I felt like shit. I ran upstairs locking myself in the bathroom crying. How could I do this after I tried so hard to be a great loving mother. I feel like I failed them. I know what it felt like to be yelled and screamed at as a child on a daily basis and here I was doing it to my own daughter. This was not happening. I kept replaying her little face as she broke down. It killed me. My babies were my everything. My heart beat. I had to fix this and apologize to her. I got up washing my face getting myself together. I said a quick prayer asking God to forgive me and take all the negative spirits that tried to come inside me out. This was unacceptable.
I went back downstairs sitting on the floor in front of her. She stopped crying but her eyes were still red. This was worse than getting stabbed or shot.
"Jason go upstairs and give me Haley. I wanna talk to them alone" I said as he nodded giving me Haley as Harley played with her little fingers. I wanted to talk to her without him cause I didn't want her to fear me when he wasn't around. I wanted her to know that she was my angel and that I saw her as the most important thing on this earth. Jason walked upstairs as I began to talk.
"Can mommy talk to you for a minute angel" I said with Haley in my arm looking at Harley. I was in the floor at eye level with her. She nodded her head yes as she came and sat between legs.
"Mommy is so sorry for yelling at you angel. I understand that I hurt your feelings and that wasn't nice. Mommy was mad at something else and took it out on you which is not an excuse" I said rubbing her cheek. She looked at me as I spoke "now you have your own mind but mommy would like for you to forgive her. I didn't mean it and it will never ever happen again" I always believed that children had feelings no matter how old they were. Being her mother I had to know what to say and what to say cause she was human just like me and she didn't deserve anything but love. I was mature enough to ask my daughter for forgiveness because kids remember things you think they never do. They might not always understand at that moment but it will kick in at point in time when they grow up and they might resent you. I didn't want her to have nightmares or cry at night cause she thought I was a monster. I took her feelings very seriously. As I looked at both of them I cried cause I hurt their little spirits. Idc if it was just for a minute or they didn't understand it I was still their mother and I wronged them. Period.
"Why ma ma cryin" she said reaching up wiping the tears off my cheeks. She was still affectionate and loving to me after I yelled at her. Her heart was so big.
"Mommy's just sad angel. I love you and your sister so much. You guys are mommy's little miracles and nothing in the world is as special as you and her" I expressed to her. She got up and kissed my lips planting her chubby hands on my face.
"I lobe you ma ma. No cry no more" this little melted my heart. How did she have the heart to just love on any and everything. I was proud that she had such a sweet soul.
"Okay angel. I won't. Mommy loves you forever and a day. Never forget that. Now tell me what you are to mommy" I said hugging her tight.
"Ma ma's angel!" She said smiling. She had he key to my heart.
"That's right baby. Can mommy have a big hug and big kiss. I could really use it angel" I said laying Haley down in her bouncer. She opened her small arms wide as I picked her up giving her the biggest hug. I kissed her over and over as she giggled. I held her tight just falling in love. Haley stared to fuss as I put Harley down and taking her back in my arms.
"Mommy didn't forget about you baby. I'm sorry for scaring you. I love you Haley" I said hugging and kissing her little body. This was what I needed. Being mommy to them meant more than anything in the world. It was my job to keep them smiling.
"Okay angel. Imma take your sister upstairs and talk to daddy. Can you be a big girl and draw me a picture until I get back" I said kissing her forehead. We baby proofed the hell out the house so I didn't worry about her hurting herself when she was alone. We taught her safety too just in case.
"Ok ma ma" she said getting her crayons on paper as I turned on the TV for her. I walked upstairs to our room placing Haley in the bassist next to our bed.
"J can we talk" I said as he watched me. I know he wasn't too happy with me yelling at his princess.
"Hue what the hell was that downstairs" he said pulling me on his lap. He knew that was totally out my character.
"I'm sorry for that and I will never yell at her again. I promise baby" I said sincerely to him. I felt like when you where in a marriage and you made a mistake you should never hide or sweep it under the rug. Address it and admit your fuck up. We were all human.
"I know that's not even my wife. What happened that made you so upset. Talk to me beautiful" he said as I got up from his lap retrieving the letter.
"Here read this" I said sitting next to him. The more he read the more I saw his body tense up. When Jason was mad he would bite his top lip over and over.
"That's why" I said as he finished reading it.
"Aight" he simply said as I saw his jaw locked. I knew he blacked out and didn't wanna another word.
"Baby" I said grabbing his hand. He was extremely protective over me and he saw first hand what issues I had when it came to my family. He never liked anyone hurting me or speaking ill of me.
"What" he said looking at the wall. This was not good.
"Whats wrong. Please don't be mad" I said stroking his cheek.
"What's wrong. Man she called my wife a bad mother a bitch and every other name in the book and you saying don't get mad. Fuck that" he was pissed. He took my feelings super serious and loved me so much when things upset me it upset him.
"I know baby. Idk why she felt the need to send me that but Imma take me a nice trip back to New York to end this. I'll only be gone for a couple days J" I said planning my trip already
"You mean we. Ain't no way in hell im letting you go by yourself. Imma get my mother to come watch the girls. You not doing shit by yourself." Jason was the man of the house and his opinion was so important. He was my husband and I wasn't going to argue with him about trying to protect me.
"Okay Jason. Thank you baby" I said trying to kiss him. He was still angry. "So I can't have a kiss cause you mad" I said as he turned his head. When he was this man I had to bring him back to me.
"Hue just give me a minute okay. You know it's not even like that" he said bouncing his knee. I wanted him to love on me. I needed that right now so bad.
"Imma go put Haley in her crib. I'll be right back" I said kissing his cheek as I went to lay her down. I understood his frustration and didn't nag him. He was entitled to his own feelings. I hit the monitor as she slept. I closed the door running downstairs to take a peek at Harley. She had fallen asleep on the floor so I carried her to bed so she could take a nap. Both my babies were sleep and it was time to take care of my biggest baby in the house. I walked in the room closing the door behind me. Jason was laying down on his back in silence. I got in bed rubbing my hands all over his chest.
"I appreciate you caring so much about me daddy. I can't be mad at you for that but I want you to relax okay" I said as he looked over at me. All the lights were off and it was getting dark outside. We stared at each other just getting caught in each other's eyes.
"Come sit right here" he said pulling me on top of him. I straddles his waist as he sat up some. "Beautiful I love you more than anything on earth. When I see people trying to tear you down and break that beautiful smile it tears me up. Your the most amazing person I ever met and seeing all that mean shit about you toon me to another place. Your an amazing mother and your never be like your mother. You broke that cycle yourself" he said as I blushed. He always spoke nothing but the truth "I know you human and you goin fuck up here and there but don't ever let that shit get in the way of anything under this roof. My daughters are my everything and so are you. You didn't deserve what happened to you but look at how you turned out. Your the best mother you can be and a damn good one. Those little girls are obsessed with you. We goin take care of this together then dead it after that aight." He said as we held hands.
"Yes baby. I agree" I answered. He was such a man. I loved it!
"You too beautiful to be stressing over anything. I always got your back. I fight for you so you don't have too" he said kissing my lips. I could fight my own battles but he has spoken. See me and Jason was a team and he was the true definition of a man. He protected and had my best interest at heart. I could never trust anyone with my life but Jason was the exception. He showed me that I wasn't alone in this world and he would die for me. That was real love. It was such a turn on that my man fought for me till no end.
"It's so sexy seeing you get all upset and mad over me. That turns me on" I said whispering in his ear. He bit his lip at me.
"Damn is that right sexy" he said unbuttoning my shirt.
"Oh yeah. When you get angry it drives me crazy daddy" I said licking his earlobe.
"Well I'm still feeling a lil upset. Do you mind if I take it out on you" he said as he took my shirt off feeling on my breast. I didn't have a bra on cause I was pumping some milk right before I got dressed.
"Mmmmhmm be as angry as you wanna be. I live to make you feel better" I said as he took his boxers off under me. I took my panties off twirling them around my finger.
"I will be. Don't wake up my babies though. We know your a screamer" he said kissing on my neck caressing my breast.
"Jason no I am not. You be the one making all that noise" I said laughing as his touch took me to another state of mind.
"Let's bet on it" he said licking all over me.
"You on Mr. Thomas" I said as he pulled the covers over us. I loved me some Jason.
__________________________
New York City
We made it here after a long fun ride. We decided to drive down and eat junk food and talk the whole time. We laughed and sang half the ride as Jason drove. We would've gotten here 3 hours early but Mr. Horny wanted to have sex 3 times on the side of the road.
"Make this left" I said as he drove into my old neighborhood. I knew my parents still lives there for a fact. One cause it was government housing and they never worked a day in their life and 2 cause all my family lived around there still. I think I was the only one to do good for myself. As long as their money came thru on the first of the month they didn't give a damn about anything else. I was not going to live like that. I always saw so much more for my life.
"Damn this worse than my old neighborhood. I thought I had some hard times" he said scanning the area. I learned how to survive from around here. You always had to be ready for any and everything with it came to my old neighborhood. Their were good people around here don't get me wrong but some of them just fell on hard times or this was all that they knew.
"It's the 3rd house on the right. The red one" he pulled up and sure enough nothing had changed after all these years. The house was still raggedy and falling apart. The windows were broken and boarded up by pieces of wood. The grass was like everywhere. My father was the sorriest excuse for a man caus she never did handy work or even took time to fix up the outside. He didn't even have a damn job so he had plenty of time.
"You ready" he said holding my hand as we sat there.
"I vowed once I left never to come back here and here Iam" I said looking down. This house brought back so many negative feelings I didn't wanna deal with.
"You here to bring closure baby. You been needing this for a long time and now your here. I'm so proud of you beautiful" he said making me smile. As long as he was next to me I had nothing to worry about.
"I love you Jason" I said kissing him softly.
"I love you too. Now let's go handle this. Remember whatever happens happens. God got us babe" he was so wise and positive. I knew I had the right man. He got out and opened the door for me. We walked hand and hand up the porch as I knocked on the door. I heard moving around as the door cracked open.
"Can I help you" the person said behide the door. I couldn't really see them cause they only opened it half way.
"I'm looking for Brenda" I said as Jason stood behide me.
"What you want with her" they said as I recognized her voice. It was definitely here.
"Im her daughter" I said back
"Brenda don't have a daughter. Now get off my property" she said trying to close the door back. I did not come all the way here to play with her ass.
"I know it's you Brenda open the door" I said as she sucked her teeth
"What do you want" she said irritating me. I was not about to talk to a doer.
"I want you to open the damn door" I responded. She opened the door as I saw her for he first time in years. She looked terrible. Skinny Hair all stingy and matted. Eyes dilated. Teeth messing and all. Her clothes were ripped and old. Nobody would ever think she was my mother. Even growing up people said I was adopted because I never looked like my parents. Thank goodness. I walked inside smelling the odor of cigarettes and alcohol.
"So look at ms perfect little Hue. Moved out the ghetto and think she better than everybody. What you here to boast in my face" she said as me and Jason sat down. She sat across from us. Lighting up a cigarette. She still had that same habit
"Actually I'm here cause the hate letter you sent me. I know you send so many out that probably forgot" I said sarcastically
"Still smart at the mouth. You never had any respect for me" she said as I laughed.
"Why would I respect you Brenda. You ain't never do shit for me in your life and you hate me remember" I said to her.
"Idk what your father saw in you but he was a damn fool for trying to touch you when he had me. I hate you cause he looked at you the way he should've been looking at me. You stole my man and you know it" she was delusional in every way
"Do you hear yourself. You blame me for my perverted father. A man you chose to be with. He was my father and he tried to rape me. I didn't ask for that. I was just a teenager" I said getting upset. Jason rubbed my back calming me.
"And who the hell is he" she said looking him up and down
"I'm her husband and the father of her kids" he said sternly
"Ohh you got yourself a big time man. Fine too. At least you did something right for once. You happy with her" she said winking at him. She was disgusting
"Don't worry about my husband. We're good. I know how to be a real woman and take care of my business and family. Something I had to learn on my own. You could never teach me that" I said as she rolled her eyes.
"As much as you think you better than me. You just like me. I gave birth to your ungrateful ass and it's my blood running thru your veins. You can't get me out your mind no matter how bad you try." She was working my last nerve
"You right you did give birth to me unfortunately but I'm nothing like you. I actually love and care about my daughters. They are my world and I would do anything for them" she just laughed
"Is that what you tell yourself at night. You love them cause I hate you. Your mother of the year baby"she said as I felt Jason getting upset. I turned to him wanting to make he was okay.
"Baby why don't you wait in the car okay. I can handle this" I said blocking her out
"Nah that's happening. I'm straight" he said lying. I could look at him and see the anger. He looked at her with so much rage.
"Jason baby look at me" I said grabbing his chin "go wait in the car. I will be fine. Can you do that for me please daddy" I said caressing his face. No matter situation we were in he always came first.
"You sure beautiful" he said giving me eye contact
"Positive. Check on my babies for me and I'll be right out" she just looked at us like we were crazy. She was staring at out interaction hard. I never saw love growing up so I know the bond we had shocked her.
"If you need me come get me. I love you beautiful" he said kissing my cheek leaving. It was just me and her. This was gonna be quick.
"He trained well" she said to me as I brought my attention back to her
"No honey that's what you call a real man. Something you never had. He loves me more than both you combined. That man got me thru a lot of shit you caused me. That man gave me 2 little girls who love me just as much as I love them. It's no hate in m heart" I said as she threw her hands up.
"What do you want me to do Hue. What!! I know I fucked up okay. I never wanted any kids and boom there you was growing inside me. Your father use to love me and treat me good until I told him I was pregnant with you. He hated the idea of being a father so he cheated and cheated and cheated. He broke my heart and it was all cause of you! Every time I looked at you I hated you more and more for what you did to us. We was happy before you got here. Your father gave me the love that I never had and I needed that. I wanted someone to love me back. In a single moment you came and that all went away. You stole my happiness Hue. I hate you for that. Can't you see what you did to me" she said crying. She was angry at the wrong person. And after all these years I understood why. She looked for love just like me but found it in the wrong person. She took her hurt and pain out on me because her own mother didn't love her. It was a cycle and she didn't change it she just copied what she saw.
"Why couldn't I be that one. I was your child and Brenda I use to love you. Honestly I still do cause your my mother. I needed you and you just threw me out. I was your baby and I could've been the one who told you I loved you everyday. I could've been the one person who made your heart beat faster. I could've loved you without nothing in return. Me! Me! Me! God was showing you that I was everything you needed when you got pregnant but you missed the whole point. I craved my mother. I use to think I was the problem cause you never loved me. I don't understand how you give life to someone and hate them" I was pouring out years and years of built up pain. I was finally letting it all free. "My first daughter Harley is 1 and half. I was scared when I got pregnant but I knew she was given to me for a reason. When she wakes up in the morning she says ma ma I love you. When I'm sick or tired she gets in bed with me and cuddles up with me telling me Imma be okay. When I get home everyday from work she runs up to me and kisses me telling me how much she missed me. That little is the drum of my heart. When I look at her the world is better. I have a 3 month year old beautiful little girl named Haley. Precious gift from God. Even though she can't talk I know she loves me so much. When she hears my voice she cries until she feels her mothers touch. When she is tired her favorite place to sleep is on my chest right next to my heart. She looks at me and she knows that I will protect her from anything. Those are my angels. They teach me that it's okay to cry and that I'm not perfect but we have each other. So even though you didn't know how to love me I figured out how to love them. I broke the curse of hurt and angry mothers in our family. Cause all it was is we simply didn't know how to love" I said with tears coming from our my eyes. She acted like she wasn't crying but I saw her wiping her eyes.
"That's good for you I guess" I just shook my head and smiled. I spoke my peace and my heart and conscious was now clear. I needed this for so long and I finally did it! I got up and walked over to her and held her frail hand.
"Brenda I forgive cause you didn't know how to be a mother. I forgive you for not having enough love for yourself so it was impossible for you to love me. I don't hate you for you I just hate the decisions that you made in my life. I love you but we both know we're never going to have a relationship. I came here to end this hate and bring closure for my sanity. My daughters deserve a mother who loves them and my husband deserves my full heart. So I wish you nothing but the best in your life and may God bless your heart to find the love you never had but still need. Good bye Mom" I kissed her cheek walking out closing not only the door but the past that held me back for years. We can't all chose and pick our parents but we can accept what we have and realize that they are just looking for something they never had when they lash out or mistreat us. It's never acceptable but we can't carry the heavy weight of their issues and pain before us that they haven't dealt with. Always love yourself first cause we would die and be miserable expecting it from other people even our own blood. God is always there and he helped me when I need him most. Jason Harley and Haley were a gift from God and I cherished them learning how to love. It was so worth the roller coaster ride.