Just Be Patient (Urban Story)

Chapter 76: Never Give Up

Flashback.....
"Hue Jackson" the nurse said as I sat in the crowded county hospital emergency room. It was always packed and I hated coming to this place. People would be waiting for hours just to be seen for a minor injury. This part of town was terrible.
"Right here" I said quickly getting up grabbing my purse. No sooner than I got up it was a race between a older woman and a pregnant girl to get my seat. This was a damn shame.
"This way please." The nurse said as I pushed passed person after person. I made it to a small examination room where finally I was alone.
"Okay Ms. Jackson. I see you've been having severe abdominal pain. Can you tell me what happened" the nurse said taking my blood pressure. I was in pain for days and as much as I hated the emergency room I had no choice but to see what the problem actually was.
"About 4 days ago I started getting sharp pains in my stomach. It got worse when I laid down or bent over. I started spotting yesterday and figured it was something wrong." I said nervously. I was there alone with no one. Lamar was suppose to meet me here but he said he was busy with God know what or who. The doctor knocked on the door as the nursed finished up.
"Hello I'm Dr. Frazier and I'll be taking care of you today" he said putting his glasses on.
"Oh ok..." I said sitting on the table with my feet swinging.
"So how old are you Ms. Jackson" he said reading the notes the nurse left him.
"I just turned 21 yesterday" I said playing with my hands.
"Oh happy belated birthday than" he said smiling at me as I gave him a weak smile. I was so nervous. The way I was feeling for the last couple of days was nothing I ever felt before.
"Thanks"
"Okay I'm going to examine you and draw some blood so we can get some more insight on what the issue is. I wanna get you back to normal the best way I can"he said sweetly. He seemed like a nice man. I got undressed as he prepped himself. I laid back and hoped for the best......
3 hours later
"Sorry that it's taking so long to get your results." Dr. Frazier said entering the room again. I was sick of being in that damn room. I just wanted to know what was wrong and go home.
"It's ok. I know it gets busy here" I said as he sat down in front of me. He sighed before speaking as I got concerned.
"Ms. Jackson I have taken all your test in to deep examination and I see that you have an issue with your ovaries which is causing you discomfort and pain. And would explain the light bleeding." I was confused because I never had any health problems before and what did this even mean.
"Ovaries? And what kind of problem?" I said paying close attention
"I'll explain it like this. The area where the eggs are supposed to drop and reproduce is damaged. From the ultrasound we took it almost looks separated. It's painful for you because its shifting its self out of place" I didn't understand one word he was saying. And if it was problem he could just fix it right?
"I'm sorry I'm not following anything that your saying. What does all this mean for me" I just needed to know if it would seriously effect me.
"Ms. Jackson it means that your reproductive organs aren't function the way their suppose to. Idk your future plans but you won't be able to conceive any children is pretty much what I'm saying" I sat there totally caught off guard.
"Can this be fixed?" I said hoping to get any type of help. Even though Lamar wasn't the ideal boyfriend I always wanted a baby. Always. It was what I thought could complete me. I had so much love for a child and I desperately wanted to do a better job than my own mother.
"We could try surgery to repair some of the issues but that's not completely accurate to help you. It's a chance it can't work" he went on and on telling me other options but I was so shocked. I thought I did everything right as a woman so I could get pregnant. This was the last thing I wanted to hear. I got some pain pills and made another appointment to see a specialist as I left the hospital. I waited on the bus in the cold New York weather as I held my emotions in. The ride home was terrible. My mind was a mess.
"Damn it took you long enough." Lamar said on the couch smoking a cigarette as I walked in the door warming myself up.
"It was a lot of people there tonight Lamar" I said taking off my shoes and jacket.
"Well I'm starving and ain't eat all day. So I'm glad you back so you make dinner" he said watching TV. He didn't even ask me how I was doing. He knew I was in pain and he didn't even offer to take me or pick me up. Sometimes I questioned myself on why I even still with him.
"Lamar I'm tired. My day wasn't so good" I sat next to him on the couch wanting some attention. I just got the worse news and wanted to be comforted.
"So I'm pose to starve cause you had a bad day" he said getting an attitude. I didn't wanna fight or argue tonight. I was drained.
"I didn't say that baby but please give me a break. The doctor gave me some bad news today" I said grabbing his hand. Since he didn't ask I minds well just out and tell him. I knew he would be just as hurt as I was.
"What they say?" He sounded concerned which made me feel alittle better.
"Lamar I found out that I have a problem with my ovaries and I can't have any babies." I said waiting for his response
"That's the bad news?" He said screwing his face like I was being dramatic
"Yes. Lamar we want a baby and that's why it hasn't happened" I said as he sucked his teeth getting up.
"Hue maybe if you lost 10 15 pounds it could happen. And YOU want this so bad not me" I held my head down as I started to cry. I was so tired of being picked on and mistreated by a man who was supposed to love me. It was like I had no love in my life period.
"Lamar my weight is not the problem." I said softly wiping my eyes.
"And there you go crying again. Fuck I hate that man. You create your own problems and now you wanna cry. Shit kills me" he was getting so frustrated and I couldn't even understand why.
"I didn't create this! It just happened Lamar. Why can't you just be there for me instead of tearing me down more. I'm hurt!" I screamed at the end of my ropes. Why did he act like he hated me or I did something wrong towards him. I was his girlfriend not his enemy.
"Maybe if you got off your fat ass I would. And you know what I did want a baby but I been realized you wasn't the woman who I wanted one with. You ain't never goin be a good mother so look at this as a gift" my feelings were crushed. Tears came down my eyes like a river.
"You don't mean that Lamar" I whispered softly over and over. I didn't understand why I never got the love I wanted or needed. What was wrong with me?
"Hell I do. You should be thanking me for putting up with your ass and giving you a roof over your head. I don't have to do shit for you" he ripped out my heart. It was like I was being punished
"I thought you loved me. You told me that you did. That why I'm here" I said trying to hold my tears
"I fell out of love with you a long time ago. Your here cause I feel sorry for you. Who's gonna want you Hue. Nobody! So be grateful. I'm glad you can't get pregnant. Now I know I only have one mouth to feed." My world spinner upside down. I was speechless. He grabbed his keys and put his coat on heading to the door.
"I'm bout to go somewhere where a real woman can take care of me" he said slamming the door. I couldn't believe this happened. This was the worst day of my life. I just found out I couldn't get pregnant and my so called boyfriend just told me he didn't love me anymore and I was around out of pity. Maybe he was right. Nobody would ever love me. What could I offer a man. I wasn't attractive enough and I was out of shape. Not to mention I can't have kids and I didn't have a passion for life anymore. I was always depressed and looking for someone to care about me. I couldn't be a mother to anyone. This was probably the best thing for me. I should accept it and move on. That's all I could do.
I curled up in the corner and cried. I was worthless and unlovable. It took this situation to help me realize it now..........
End of flashback
__________________________
"Ma ma wats dat" Harley said as I sat in bed on my computer. I didn't have any clients today so I stayed home and did some work.
"What angel" I said as she pointed to my bandaid. I was cutting a lemon the other day and I cut my finger. It wasn't anything serious but I still had to cover it up.
"Mommy hurt herself with a sharp knife the other day" I said as she touched my finger gently.
"Hurt ma ma" she said to me as I closed my computer laying it to the side.
"Not really angel. Daddy kissed it and made it all better for mommy" I told her as she laughed.
"Me kiss it too" she said leaning down putting her little lips on my scar. It warmed my heart that she loves me so much. Having her and her sister was the best thing in my life. They were what filled holes in my life.
"Thank you angel. I feel so much better cause of you" I said as she beamed.
"Welcome ma ma" she was about to get down until I grabbed her close.
"Angel mommy needs to tell you something" I said as she laid on my chest rubbing my belly.
"Secwet" she said making me laugh. She loved when I told her secrets.
"Not really. I want you to know that I love you very much my angel. I can't tell you that enough. Your mommy's blessing from God." I loved her so much because she gave me so much hope. She was my first child and I thought she was impossible. I use to believe that I wasn't meant to be a mother but I was so wrong. Motherhood was amazing to me. I wouldn't trade it for the world.
"Harley before you came to mommy and daddy I was sad" I said stroking her hair
"Why mommy sad" she said facing me
"Because I couldn't get to you. People told mommy that I would never have you but look at you now. Your getting so big and beautiful. I'm the happiest person in the world because of you my angel. Your so special to me. I love you more than anything in the world." I started to cry just thinking about how hard it was to get here. To finally be happy and have love all around me was something I couldn't see for myself back than but now I had it everyday. God was so good. I never gave up and it got me this far.
"No cry" she wiped my tears as I hugged her tight.
"Mommy is so in love with you baby. I want the best for you. I want you to be better than me and never allow yourself to be treated like anything less than the angel and princess you are. Nothing is impossible as long as you fight for it Harley. Remember this forever. " I said rocking her in my arms. I had to be her strength and number one supporter. I knew first hand what it was like not to have anyone on your side including the woman who gave birth to me. It wasn't a great feeling.
"I love you" she said making me melt. I could hear that a million times a day and still need to hear more.
"Mommy loves you more" I said kissing her over and over. My kids are what kept me going. I held her in my arms as she dosed off. I kept staring at her feeling so blessed to have her. It was almost like a dream I never wanted to wake up from. Being a mother was so rewarding. I couldn't get enough of them.
"Hey beautiful" Jason said coming in the room from work.
"Hey" I said still looking at Harley. My mind was drifting off to my past.
"You okay?" He said noticing my quiet demeanor.
"Just was thinking but I'm fine"I said as he took Harley out my arms and taking her to her room. I laid on my side thinking how far I came. He came back in the room and shut the door quietly.
"Wanna talk?" He said sitting next to me. No matter what Jason always could tell when I needed him.
"I know you had a hard day at work. I'm not going to bother you with my thoughts baby. Relax yourself. I'm okay" I said wanting him to just rest. He worked hard and I didn't need to be all in his ear about something that occurred years ago.
"Talk" he said paying me no mind. He caressed my stomach as I exhaled. It felt good to be loved and wanted.
"Jason I had a dream last night about my ex and the day I found out I couldn't have kids" I said messing with shirt. He knew the story really well.
"Why didn't you wake me up and tell me baby" he said calmly.
"Because it wasn't important Jason." I hated that I still got reminded of it.
"I don't matter if it was or not. Still tell me. I know that makes you feel a certain way." He was right.
"You know what I don't understand" I said liking him in the eye.
"What?" He said returning my stare.
"Why can't anyone love me like you do J. What makes me so unlovable to the world but with you it's a totally different story" I said really wanting to know. He kissed my hand rubbing it softly.
"Beautiful I was meant to be the only one to show you what love is. Don't nobody got to love you as long as I'm alive." Him saying that meant the world to me. It was like the answer I needed all my life. "Your too special for people to see that. The first time I saw you I knew that I was going be in your life forever." I got so emotional hearing how he felt.
"And you never left me J." I said running my hands threw his beard.
"How can I? I wouldn't know how to survive without you Hue. Your my life" I was smiling so hard. All the times I ever heard nobody would love or want me faded being with Jason. He stuck with me thru everything. No matter if I was bigger this day or not. His love never changed.
"Awwww baby" I said easing up closer to his face.
"And how would I eat if I left you." He said as I laughed.
"Off junk food and McDonald's" I said smiling at him. He was my best friend for life.
"That's right. Idc if I'm the only person who loves and adores you. I'll take that title happily baby. I love that your heart is all mines" Jason was one of a kind.
"I love you Jason. Thank you" I said feeling better.
"I love you more beautiful. Now where my kiss at? I need them when I come home from a long day" he said as I straddled him.
"I'm sorry baby." I held his face as I kissed his soft lips. He deepened the kiss rubbing my back as our tongues met and fought one other. Kissing felt so good between us.
"Mmmm you feel that" he said moving his hips under me as I felt his extremely hard erection.
"Jason your so nasty" I said in his ear giggling like a teenager. He gave me butterflies all over.
"Oh so now I'm nasty." He said kissing my neck
"Yes you always are" I shut my eyes running my hands thru his waves. His lips felt amazing.
"Well you bout to be nasty with me cause I want you" he eased his hands up my shirt as I laid on top of him. He massaged up and down my body as I relaxed. Our love was special and we were put together by none other than God. It was days when I wanted to give up on that dream of having someone to love me but I knew God had other plans for me. Whenever I wanted to forget the fantasy of carrying and loving a baby God sent me 3 to be a mother to. My life was blessed because I waited and trusted God to give me what I needed. Not on my time but when he thought I was ready. I knew now that being patient and going thru hell and having those nights when you wondered will it get better would eventually pay off for me. I kept my faith and my heart was always genuine. I got rewarded big time at the end.